Closer

By Felisblanco

I: Closer to God

The music was deafening, the thumping bass vibrating his body until his heart was beating to the rhythm of the song. The place was stuffed with bodies writhing like snakes in a pit, the flashing lights glistening on their sweaty skin. The air reeked with suppressed lust but even more with released desire. In every dark corner, even on the dance floor, there were people kissing, pressing their aroused bodies so tight together they looked like a two-headed beast.

Damn, he was lonely.

The drink was warming in the glass as he swirled it around, melting ice cubes lightening the golden liquid. He wasn’t half as drunk as he wanted to be. Oblivion didn’t come cheap and on his salary he was lucky if he reached the state of simply not caring. Luck wasn’t his lady tonight.

Sighing, he downed the rest of the drink and left the empty glass at the bar before slowly moving through the dancing crowd. It was late and he was tired. Not ‘needing sleep’ tired, just tired. Tired of the loneliness, the lack of purpose, the whack-whack-whack of his ever-faithful hand giving him his nightly release.

So fucking tired.

The change in music made him pause in the shadows underneath the staircase. His dick twitched. Always got him hard that song, the words projecting images to his brain of a throbbing cock being brutally thrust into a man’s stretched hole. Preferably his.

He rested his forehead against the iron railing and closed his eyes. The music filled him, vibrating his body until he was shivering with unfulfilled need. God, he needed to get laid but right now he was going to settle for this infuriating teasing and the limits of his imagination. Ghostly lips kissing his, strong hands sweeping over his body, a hard erection being pressed into his…

Hell, even he didn’t have such a vivid imagination!

“Wha…?” He gulped as a hand sneaked around and grabbed his bulge. Someone was breathing heavily into his ear. He tried to turn his head but whoever it was moved over to the other side and their bodies were pressed so tight together he couldn’t move.

“Fuck, you’re hot.” The voice was husky, sending little bolts of lightning down his spine. “Been watching you. You come here every night. Lusting. I think…” A wet tongue licked his neck from the corner of his collarbone and all the way up to his ear. “No, I know you’re lusting for me.”

“Really?” His own voice was raw. “I don’t even know who you are.” Hands, hands everywhere.

Teeth were pulling at his earlobe. “Oh, I think you do.” The tongue sneaked into his ear making his breath hitch..

“Really?” Eloquent as always. His heart was racing; strong fingers were digging into his hips, drawing him even closer.

The man behind him chuckled. “Really.” Fuck, how big was this thing pressing into him? Felt like a rock hard snake getting ready to chew its way through his jeans and into his ass.

“Care to…” He swallowed as the hands moved over to the front and started unbuttoning his jeans. “Care to give me a hint?”

Pop, pop, pop go the buttons. “Well, in about five minutes you’re gonna call me God.”

He should be thinking ‘Yeah, right!’ or ‘Who the hell does this guy think he is?’ but he was too busy concentrating on the fingers sneaking inside the front of his pants until they wrapped themselves around his cock, squeezing it hard. Thank God for no underwear. And to distract him even further there was a mouth sucking on his neck and a cock being pushed rhythmically against his ass. Not his fault he couldn’t help pushing back.

“Don’t you just love this song? Doesn’t it make you want to rip your clothes off and grab the next sweet ass you see?”

“Uh-huh.” God, what was that man doing with his fingers? And his tongue and his whole fucking body!

“Now this part I particularly like.” The man stilled. “Listen.”

He didn’t really have to; he knew the lyrics by heart. The singer’s smooth voice growled out the words and more than ever they hit him right in the groin.

“I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside…”

The man behind him inhaled sharply. “That’s what I’m gonna do to you. Fuck you like an animal.” His jeans were slowly eased down and he felt naked skin touch his ass. Oh Jesus. “Fuck you so hard you can’t walk for days. Fuck you until you scream and beg for mercy.” There was the sound of licking and then a slick finger was pushing against his entrance.

“Oh God.” He grabbed hold of the railing above him with trembling hands. They couldn’t be doing this. Not here. There were people passing inches in front of him, he could easily have reached out and touched them. The shadows under the stairs kept them concealed, the loud music drowning his moans but still…

“Yes. Exactly.” The whisper made him throw his head back. He was rewarded with bites and licks down his neck. His legs were pushed further apart and then he heard the familiar sound of a condom being unwrapped. Jesus, they were really doing this.

The cold lube being squeezed inside his ass made him jump but then there were two fingers sliding in, stretching him, preparing him. They made him burn but he still wanted more. Desperate he pushed back, ignoring the man’s laughter.

Fuck, yeah. He wanted to be filled with that huge fucking cock. He wanted to be taken, just like this, blindly, hard, without emotions. The fingers withdrew and something considerably larger was pressing against his slick hole. He tensed but he was too far-gone now to back out. Bring it on, fucker. The pressure increased until the tight muscle finally gave way. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. If that was just the head, how would the whole thing be? The man didn’t move, seeming to wait for his permission. Well, it was too fucking late to be gallant now.

“Just do it. Fuck me, you bastard. Now!” And he pushed back, almost screaming with shock, as he was impaled on the biggest cock he’d ever had. Fuck! He was trembling, trying to hold still as the sharp burning electrified him.

“Fuck, you’re tight. So fucking tight.” The man grabbed his hips and pulled back until only the tip remained inside. He wanted to yell ‘Wait!’ but it was too late. The impact was so hard he knocked his head on the railing and there were stars in front of his eyes. His ass felt like it was on fire. It was too much, too fucking much…

A huge hand was covering his mouth. “Sshh, no screaming.” He had screamed? The man pulled back again and slammed inside, even harder. This time he knew he screamed, spit wetting the palm that pressed against his lips. God, no. He couldn’t do this. He started struggling but the arm around his waist held him prisoned. The man was too strong.

He held on to the railing for dear life as the man pounded into him. His feet hardly touched the ground as each thrust lifted him up. Sweat was running down his face, his neck, his back. He was whimpering into the man’s meaty hand, silently begging him to please oh please not so hard, not so fast, not so…

He wasn’t sure when it happened but soon he was pushing back. His whimpers had turned into grunts, his pleading into more, harder, yes, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!!

The man was panting hard, practically growling into his ear. The hand let go of his mouth, leaving it to loudly express his begging. The hand moved down and god, yes, spit-slick fingers wrapped around his cock and started fisting it violently.

“Yes, God. Oh God, oh God, oh God…” He bucked wildly and through the haze of his own release he felt the man grip his hips harder and the thrusting get quicker and even harder. Then there was a shudder and they were heaving for breath. When the man pulled his cock out he thought he would pass out from the sensation

Trembling hands pulled up his pants and fastened them. Then suddenly he was alone, hands still wrapped around the railing. Painfully he let go and sank down on the floor, not caring about it sticking to his pants. Looking up he saw a tall dark haired man disappear into the crowd.

Around him people laughed and danced like nothing had happened. And through it all the speakers bellowed...

“You get me closer to God…”


II:Tear Down My Reason

For the next two months Will went to the club every night, staying until the early hours of morning, desperately scanning the crowd for a tall, dark-haired… backside.

Fuck, he didn’t even know if that had really been him. All he knew was that he had to see him again. Had to touch him to know it had all been real. Never mind the bruises or the blood he’d still been wiping from his arse a day later, it still seemed like a dream. Or a nightmare, he wasn’t sure.

He couldn’t get what happened out of his head. It haunted him in his sleep and in his every. Fucking. Waking. Hour. He hadn’t been able to write at all, he slept all day and drank in this god-awful club all night. He knew he was obsessed but he didn’t care. He just… had to know.

He felt like shit. If his mysterious fuck-buddy indeed did turn up he most likely wouldn’t even look at him twice, except to frown at his sickly face and sunken eyes. It was all useless, a fucking hunt for a bad dream that he wasn’t even sure he wanted to relive.

Fuck this shit. Pissed off, he downed the drink then moved on to the dance floor, grinding his way through the writhing masses. Closing his eyes he let the place take over his senses. The air reeked of sweat, cologne, alcohol and sex. His clothes were getting drenched by tossed water, spilled drinks and perspiration, his body bruised by hard elbows and sometimes even harder cocks, thumping against him before moving on. No one stayed.

He didn’t care about that. Not anymore. He didn’t crave them, he craved him. And if he couldn’t have him he’d rather be alone. The money he’d gotten for his last story was running out fast and the magazine’s editor kept leaving messages on his machine, telling him to either give him something worth publishing or fuck off. He’d mumbled at the beeping machine that fuck off sounded brilliant. It didn’t answer.

An extra hard bump into his hip and a ‘Watch it, mate.’ made him open his eyes and then the world started spinning. Oh bugger.

Shoving his way through the crowd to the restrooms he pushed aside some guy that already had his dick out from the closest urinal and returned all the drinks he’d imbibed during the night. Wiping his mouth on his sleeve he breathed deeply, trying to calm his stomach. Bloody expensive drinks considering he’d only barely rented them. Standing up on shaky legs he washed his hands and face and rinsed his mouth with water. The taste on his tongue was foul, like a rat had crawled in there and died. Time to get the hell home. As soon as he was sure he could walk.

He rested his head against the cold tiles. Out of the corner of his eye he saw two guys kissing, grinding against each other like they were totally alone and not surrounded by horny queers who were pissing and laughing, groping a feel and eyeing the merchandise. Someone was moaning. Soon a grunt followed and one of the booths started shaking. Great. Just great. He closed his eyes again.

It was just a fuck, he kept telling himself. Just a stupid one-time fuck. The guy had forgotten about him before his dick went limp. He was probably pounding into someone else in some club across town right this minute. Whispering those same words with that same husky voice, pushing that lucky bugger against a wall, slamming into him with that bloody huge cock of his, splitting the eager arse open, making his selected victim scream in pain and pleasure.

Great, now he was all hard again.

“That looks painful. Want some help?”

The voice was seductive and slutty and far from the right one. He opened his eyes and glared at the little shit. No more than eighteen but he was licking his lips and his eyes had that certain look of dark need that you get when you’re high. Oh fuck, why not?

“You offering?”

The boy smiled. “That’s what I said, right? By the way, my name’s And…”

“Not gonna take you home to meet my mother, am I? If you wanna suck me, do it. Or get the fuck out of my face.”

Maybe he was hoping, deep inside, that the boy would take offence and leave but he only seemed more turned on. Guess he wasn’t the only one with a kink for submission. Curling his tongue the boy sank to his knees, expert hands popping the buttons on the strained jeans and finally freeing Will’s dick. He closed his eyes as the kid rolled on a condom and then started sucking away like a damn pro. Maybe he was. Well, he as sure wasn’t gonna pay him. The kid’s own damn fault for beginning to blow without negotiating the price.

It didn’t take him long. He kept his eyes closed and in his mind it was a dark haired brute of a man sucking him, big hands grabbing his arse, prying the cheeks apart, then stabbing a finger into his hole. Hard. Fast. Dry. So fucking deep.

With a grunt he came, fucking the boy’s mouth hard, hands fisted in the blond hair. When he opened his eyes, panting from the exertion, the kid was wiping his mouth, face flushed red and tears in his eyes. Not quite gotten the hang of deep-throating then. He felt a sting of guilt but it didn’t last long. The kid was already scanning for his next dick and blew him a kiss before walking over to a big leather clad biker, once again licking his lips in seduction. Just a kinky cocksucker then. To each their own, he thought as he pulled the wet condom of his limp dick and threw it in the trash. Probably gonna get the kid into some deep shit one day but he wasn’t his daddy. Not his problem.

When he got back out the music seemed too loud, the smoke too thick and his head was hurting like shit. Yeah, definitely time for bed. It was only a few blocks to his shitty apartment so he decided to walk, hoping the chilly air and the drizzle of rain would sober him up enough that he’d avoid the god of all hangovers again. Flipping up the collar on his jacket he shoved his hands into his pockets. He’d be wet as a dog when he finally got home but that was all right. A long hot shower and he would sleep all the better for it.

He considered himself a logical and cautious man in general. He looked both ways before crossing the street, he didn’t take candy from strangers unless they were too bloody delicious to be turned away and he always kept vigil when walking home alone on a dark night.

So when turning the key in the door he was suddenly being pushed inside and up against the hall wall, a fucking giant of a cock pressing into his arse, all he could really think of was ‘How?’ quickly followed by ‘Fuck, I’m being raped!’ Feeling wet fingers clawing at his clothes he desperately pushed against the intruder with all his strength, anger and fear making his voice shrill.

“Get the fuck off me! I’ll fucking scream until the whole house wakes up if you don’t…”

“Now is that any way to greet your lover?”

He froze. That voice. That voice had been haunting him for the last two months. “You?”

“Me. Gonna scream then? Lover?” There was a soft laugh in the dark.

Not your sodding… “No. What are you doing here?”

The man chuckled. “Thought that was pretty obvious.” He grinded his erection harder into Will’s arse and he couldn’t help gasping.

“You can’t… it’s been two fucking months, you bastard. And now you just…” The tongue licking his neck shut him up.

“You missed me. How sweet.” The man chuckled again and Will felt himself blush.

“Fuck you.”

“Really? You want that? You feel the need to take someone, make him yours, show him who’s the boss? Want to hear him scream as you rip him open? Beg as you fuck him like a dog?”

He faltered. “I’m not…”

“That’s right, you’re not. You don’t really want to be the fucker, you want to be fucked. Want to be the victim, the slave, the one begging and whimpering for mercy. Am I right?”

God, he was panting. Each word hit him right in the groin. It was true, all of it. He was used to being the one in charge, the one topping but this man… this tall dark shadow that was licking his neck and grinding his cock into his arse, making him whimper with need, this man made him want to fall to his knees and bow in submission. Made him want to beg for his touch, his cock, his attention. Made him want to suck in the punishment as he was being fucked into oblivion.

Dazed, he shook his head, trying to clear those sick and bad thoughts from his mind. The man was tugging at his wet jacket, finally getting it off his shoulders, then turned him around for better access to his pants. It was very dark inside, the hall only lit by the streetlights shining through the tinted window of the front door. It made the man’s face seem even more obscure, features hidden by treacherous shadows.

“The lights.” Will reached out for the switch but his wrist was grabbed by strong fingers and pinned to the wall.

“No. I like the dark.”

He tried to pull free but the grip was like a vice. “So I’ve noticed. Really think it’s fair that you know me, but I have no idea what you look like?”

The man snorted. “Who said anything about being fair? I like it better this way. Besides, maybe I’m ugly as fuck.”

“Maybe.” He growled. “Or maybe you’re just a coward.”

The back of his head hit the wall so hard he saw stars and for a moment he thought he might throw up again. The man was breathing heavily, gripping his throat hard and ruthless. “Maybe you just earned yourself some punishment. But you like being a bad boy, don’t you? You want to be punished, want to be shown your place. Isn’t that right, ‘boy’?”

“Not your bo…” The pain was even greater this time and he was heaving for breath when the fingers started squeezing his throat. “All right, all right! Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Oh, you got to be joki…” The blow sent him to the floor sprawling. He should have felt angry or scared or humiliated. But instead he felt more turned on than ever. Slowly he pulled himself up to his feet and bowed his head. “Yes, sir.”

As the words left his mouth he felt right for the first time since that night two months ago. He didn’t know what would happen but he wanted it more than anything. The man stood still, his heavy breathing slowly calming down to normal. Then he leaned forward and kissed Will on the forehead. “Good boy.”

The words made him shiver. He wondered if this was how that kid had felt when he’d been fucking his throat raw, treating him like dirt. If it was he now understood better the look of bliss on the kid’s face. He imagined that was about how he looked now.

“Why don’t we get more comfortable? Where’s your apartment?”

He hesitated. His place was messy and probably stank of last night’s pizza and three months dirty laundry. “It’s down there. It’s a fucking rat hole though. I don’t know if…”

“I’m here to fuck you, not write an article for House and Garden. But if you prefer we can do it right here in the hall. Nice friendly neighbours you have?”

“Okay, okay. Just… I’m sorry for the mess, all right?” He fumbled for his keys then remembered they were in the pocket of his jacket, lying on the floor. Stumbling he reached for it, and with shaking hands got them out.

“Hurry up.”

‘I bloody well would if you weren’t practically humping my leg. It’s a bit distracting’, he thought, then added ‘sir’ even if it was just in his head.

Finally he got the door open and once again he was pushed inside, the door making a fatal clicking sound as it closed behind them. No turning back now. It was pitch dark inside, the thick curtains still covering the windows since his dreadful hangover this morning and he stumbled over the rug before hitting his leg on a chair. His guest seemed to have no trouble at all though, but moved around the small all-in-one-room apartment like it was bright as day.

“Strip.” The voice was casual, not even aimed his way. Will hesitated for a moment but then he started undressing slowly, the wet clothes clinging to his cold and damp skin. Finally he had only his jeans left, buttons still undone since earlier, and he was shyly aware of his vulnerability. Biting his lip he peeled them off and threw them aside, standing naked and shivering, goose bumps pricking his skin. He didn’t know what to do with his hands so he self-consciously hugged himself. At least in the dark the man wouldn’t see how bad he looked. He hadn’t been eating or sleeping and his body showed it. Ugly as fuck sounded just about right.

The man turned around and lazily took of his clothes. Then he walked over to the bed and sat down. “Down on your knees and suck me.”

He felt like in trance as he walked over and kneeled between the strong thighs. The air in front of him smelled of musk and warm skin. He leaned forward until his chin hit the hard swaying cock. Then he reached out his tongue and licked.

He only managed a few salty tastes before hands were gripping his hair and the fucking huge cock was being forced down his throat, making him gag, black spots dancing in front of his eyes.

“I said suck, don’t lick like a fucking kitten.” The hands released him and he heaved for breath before bowing his head again. “Sorry, sir. I only wanted to…”

“Suck.”

Obedient, he let the throbbing cock slide in between his lips and in as far as he could. He worked on it like he’d never done before, sucking and deep throating and swallowing it down until he was pulled off so hard he fell over.

“That’s enough.” The man was panting but his voice was steady. Then he stood up, looming over Will like a gigantic shadow. “On the bed. Now.”

He scrambled to his feet and crawled up on the bed, panicking when he realised he didn’t know which way to turn.

“Your knees. Now. Don’t let me ask you twice.”

Ask? That’s a laugh. Suddenly he felt a manic giggle threatening to break through. He was so damn turned on but he remembered what it had felt like being breeched by that monster of a cock and the muscles in his arse were clenching already in fright. It was going to hurt so much and here he was, practically begging to be raped. It all seemed so bizarre, he wondered if he was going mad.

When the man grabbed his arse what was about to happen finally hit home. He wasn’t ready, he couldn’t… Not one damn fuck in two months and now this? And he wasn’t a bottom in general anyway and he’d never had anything close to the cock now sliding between his sweat-drenched buttocks except for that night. “Please, sir. I…”

The man leaned over and licked his neck, then bit lightly into his shoulder. “It will be easier this time. Trust me. Just relax.” The slick finger prodding at his entrance made him jump. Then it pushed inside slowly. This he could handle, even if the man’s fingers were in proportion to the rest of him, thick and long. He pushed back against it, moaning his appreciation. When it was pulled out and two came in its place he tensed slightly but it still felt too good and soon he was fucking himself on them, grunting and chanting ‘Yes, yes’ and ‘Please, sir, please’.

“Like that, do you? Such a slut. Such a pretty little whore. You want more, boy?”

He shuddered. Did he? The fingers brushed his prostate. “Yes! Please. More, sir.”

Three fingers and he pushed his face into the pillows to muffle the scream. A fist tugged at his hair, pulling him up so his neck was stretched back. “Keep still. I want to hear your screams, boy. Scream for me.” The fingers jabbed inside him again and this time he screamed his agony into the dark. “Oh yeah. Just like that.” The man grunted and grinded his hard cock against the trembling backside. “Want this? Want me to fuck you now? Say it!”

However huge it was it wasn’t as thick as three sausage fingers. “Yes! Sir! Please, sir! I want you to fuck me. Please, sir!”

“That’s what I want to hear. Such a good boy.” The painful pressure disappeared from his hole, leaving him empty and alone. Then slick fingers were digging into his hips and something blunt was pressing into his stretched entrance. His head started spinning and he thought his heart would jump out of his chest. Oh God. Ohgodohgodohgod…

“Easy. Relax. Daddy’s not gonna hurt you.” The man chuckled when his words brought on gasps and even more shivering. “Not much anyway.” And he slammed his cock inside.

When Will came to he was lying face down on the bed, his arse throbbing with pain, his throat raw. He coughed. “Are we… is it over?” The laughter chilled his bones and when he tried to move he realised he was pinned down, or more accurately staked to the bed by the huge cock still in his arse.

“Now what fun would that be, fucking you when you’re unconscious? Which by the way is very rude, passing out like that. I think you deserve some punishment.”

Oh God. He felt helpless as the man pulled him up to his knees, whimpering when the hardening cock swelled again inside him. He could hardly hold himself up, his arms and legs were trembling so hard but as he looked down he saw his own cock swaying fully erect in the shadows between his thighs. Kinky bastard.

The first blow took him totally by surprise. He didn’t even have time to object before the man was spanking him with the palm of his huge hand, again and again until he wanted to cry from the pain. Or quite possibly come because his cock had never been so hard. Each blow made him whimper but suddenly he was pushing back against the hand, wanting it harder and faster. Shocked he heard his own voice crying, “Please, daddy, please. More. I need more.”

“Never enough, is it? Oh, I’m gonna have such fun with you, my boy. Daddy’s gonna teach you so many things.” Smack. Smack. “Want me to fuck you now? Are you going to behave?”

He didn’t know what the right answer was. Did behaving mean more or less punishment? Would being bad earn him more pleasures than being good? “I’ll try, daddy. Please, fuck me.”

His voice was hardly above a whisper but the answer seemed to satisfy the man. Once again gripping him by the hips he pulled the cock out until only the tip remained inside. There he paused for a moment before slamming back inside with just as much force as last time. This time Will managed to remain conscious but his screams pierced through the darkness. God, it hurt. It hurt so much he wished he had passed out. How could he ever think he wanted this? He was totally at this monster’s mercy but mercy was obviously not in his vocabulary. Tears started to run down his face.

“Please… It’s too much. Please don’t. Pleasepleasepleaseplease…”

“Sshh. You can take it. Don’t you want to be good for me? You don’t want to make daddy angry, do you?”

“No… please don’t be angry. I want to be good but it’s too big. I can’t…”

“Yes, you can. Remember last time? It only hurt at first and then it was so good. You loved it, my little whore. You begged me for more, remember?”

The cock pulled out again. Hands held him tight. Then bam! Again and again, harder and faster. It went much deeper in this position than at the club or maybe his memory had just blocked out the worst parts.

It felt like it was going on forever. His throat hurt so much his screams were reduced to hoarse whimpers. He could feel something running down the inside of his thighs and he didn’t need light to tell him it was blood. Were they using a condom? He couldn’t remember. His whole world was filled with pain and fear and then the man shifted and suddenly there it was.

The world exploded into stars before his eyes. He threw his head back as waves of pleasure went through his body. The pain was forgotten, so was the fear. When it hit again he howled ‘Yes!’ and through the haze in his mind he could hear the man growling. “Oh yeah. That’s it. That’s it. Can you feel it? Can you fucking feel it?”

“Yes! God, yes!” He gasped and moaned, bucking and writhing like a beast. He wanted more, wanted it so much he didn’t care if it killed him. “Please, sir. Daddy. Please, yes!”

“Yeah. Beg, you whore.” Slam. “Such a tight little slut.” Slam. “Like fucking a virgin.” Slam. “Not a virgin, are you boy?”

“No. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He was babbling but he didn’t care. He didn’t want the man to be angry with him.

“All right. But from now on no one touches you but me.” Slam. “Understood?”

“Yes. No one but you. I promise. I promise.”

The pounding continued. He thought he was going to die from too much pleasure. He pushed back, clenched his muscles, whimpered and pleaded. It never seemed enough. Then he was pulled up by the hair, his hands placed on the headboard and his cock grabbed hard by a large slick hand. When the man growled ‘Come!’ and bit him hard in the shoulder his screams echoed in the dark room.

Through the waves of pleasure he felt the man tense behind him and with a few even rougher thrusts he was coming hard. Only when he was sure the man was done did Will dare to give in and sink down into the mattress, his shaking limbs reduced to jello. The man followed his moves and covered him like a very heavy blanket, pressing the air out of him. Possessing him.

They lay still, panting heavily for a long time. Then, as the high from the orgasm drained away, the painful reality came back to him. Unable to control himself he started sobbing into the pillows. Even when the weight was lifted from him and the cock slid out, making him shudder with even more pain, he didn’t lift his head. He felt humiliated and broken. He didn’t know who he was anymore. Had he really allowed this to happen? Or was ‘allowed’ the right word? Had he been that willing or just been tricked to think he was? The pain, the feeling of utter helplessness and revulsion, it didn’t seem right. This wasn’t what he had wanted. It couldn’t have been. Because if this was his innermost desire, what did that make him?

The warmth from the damp cloth surprised him. It swept across his buttocks, between his thighs and in between his cheeks. He flinched as it touched torn tissue but he didn’t move away. He couldn’t stop sobbing, his shoulders shook and his head was starting to hurt.

“Do you want me to go?”

The voice was soft and tinted with regret. He didn’t answer, didn’t know what to say.

“Look, I’m sorry. I got carried away. I didn’t mean to hurt you this much. I…” The man paused, seeming at loss for words. “I thought you wanted it, thought I recognised that hunger in your eyes….”

Will swallowed. “You were right. But…” He tried to roll over but the pain made him curl up, and he hid his face in his hands.

“I was too rough. I know. I just… I didn’t mean to, okay? You… you have this effect on me. I turn into an animal. Worse than usual. Fuck.”

He didn’t answer. The silence was deafening. He tried to breathe through the pain, fists clenched, muscles trembling.

“You want to report me?”

The question shocked him. He opened his eyes and stared up at the shadow. “Report who? I have no idea who you are. You stalk me, then break into my home and damn near rape me. Again. I should report you, you’re right. Except I did let you in, I stripped like a nice little whore and then I begged you to fuck me until I cried like a girl. ‘Yes, officer. I got fucked hard by a stranger. Please arrest him for making my arse bleed.’ They would just love that.”

He spit out the words, his humiliation making him angry with himself just as much as the stranger. He had let this happen. And by God, just thinking about it made him want it again. What the hell was wrong with him? He sat up and slowly got to his feet. “I need a shower. I’d appreciate it if you’d stick around to make sure I didn’t pass out. Again. Then you can go.”

When he reached the bathroom he turned on the lights but he didn’t look back or glance in the mirror. He’d rather the man was The Stranger. He didn’t want to know what he looked like anymore. He cried silently as the hot water poured over him, feeling sick as it swirled down the drain, coloured fresh pink. He didn’t smell the distinct aroma of semen though. Guess they had been using a condom. Well, at least that was one worry out of the way, he thought bitterly. Now he just had to deal with the rest of his fucked up life.

As he was carefully drying his bruised body he heard the door click shut. He stumbled out into the room, clutching the towel. The soft light by the bed cast a yellow shade over the room. The place was clean and tidy, the bed sheets changed and on his bedside table was a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers. Suddenly all the rage was drained out of him and he sank down on the bed.

He had never felt so alone in his life.

The pills hurt his raw throat, the water only slightly soothing it. He lay cautiously down and pulled the covers over his naked, bruised body. Twenty minutes later as the pills finally started to take effect he drifted off to sleep.

All through the night he dreamt of eyes he’d never seen, crying a name he didn’t know.

Longing for lips he’d never kissed.


III: I Broke Apart My Insides

Walking through the crowd of go-getters. Everyone hurrying along to their respective jobs and appointments, talking on cell phones, waving for cabs, cursing all the other people getting in their way. He held the bag with his laptop close to his side, eyes shifting back and forth, heart beating in his chest. Breathe, breathe.

Going down the steps to the tube was another ordeal. The broken light flickering kept prodding his memory for things he didn’t want to think of, the heat from the mass of people rushing toward their destination, elbows jabbing his sides, the smell of too many bodies cramped into the small space attacking his nostrils; he wanted to curl up on the floor and cry. Breathe, breathe.

Somehow he managed to get on the right train and held on for dear life as he bumped back and forth. A tall man was standing right behind him, he could feel him breathing down his neck and for a moment he closed his eyes, shifting to another time, another place. When he was someone else. Breathe, breathe.

The ‘Scuse me’ woke him up from his nightmare and he shuffled to let people getting off pass. Even more passengers quickly replaced them and he felt like he was suffocating. Only two more stops. Two more stops. Someone brushed against his arse and he stiffened. Breathe, breathe.

He could feel panic welling up inside him, his head felt dizzy and his sweaty hand kept slipping off the pole. Another stop. Ten off, twenty on. The breathing on his neck started again, a man two feet away was staring at him, that girl was talking to her friends, laughing. Was she laughing at him? Was she? God, he had to get off. Breathe, breathe.

When the train finally arrived at his station he pushed toward the doors, wanting to scream when he missed the bunch getting off and got caught in the flood of people trying to board. He was going to get trapped inside this tiny metallic vessel, be stuck in here forever with all these people pressing against him, staring at him, breathing in all the air. Suddenly someone stepped aside and he squeezed through, jumping onto the platform. Breathe, breathe.

He took a short moment to calm down before hurrying toward the exit. Choosing the steps over the crowded escalator he took them two at a time, arriving at the top, sweating and out of breath. Then he continued out in the street. The polluted London air smelled fresh and cool compared to the stuffy tube. Here the crowd was a little thinner but it still made him feel uncomfortable. Only two blocks and he’d be there. Breathe, breathe.

Finally he arrived at the tall industrial building. Glass and stone. Cold and cruel. He walked swiftly across the lobby, nodding to the girl at the desk who seemed to recognise him despite his long absence. Pressing the button for the lift he watched the lighted numbers descend until the G was lighted and with a ‘ping’ and a ‘swosh’ the door opened. He stepped inside, already feeling the tight space pressing in on him. The doors closed and the cart started to move upwards. Ten floors. Breathe, breathe.

When the longed for ‘ping’ and ‘swosh’ was once again heard he was already a sweaty nervous wreck. Being the opposite of crowded the lift should have made him feel more comfortable but instead it had his heart beating faster than ever. In his mind there was a ‘clonk’ and then the lights went out and he would be trapped in the dark with his mind free to play its tricks on him. Darkness. The only thing he hated more than crowds. Quickly he stepped out on the carpeted floor. He was there. Standing still he could feel his whole body unclench, his breathing get back to normal, his heart slow down. Safe.

“Hi, Will. Haven’t seen you in ages. Where’ve you been?” The chirpy voice woke him out of his trance and he turned toward the smiling girl, forcing his own lips to curl up into the smirk he knew she expected.

“Willow. Hi. Been busy. You know how it is.” Realising he was still clutching the laptop to his side like a lunatic he let go of the bag and let it hang freely from the strap across his body. When he glanced back at her she was watching him wearily. He smiled again. “Someone tried to snatch it on the tube.”

She nodded in sympathy. “God, I know. Such bastards out there. Couldn’t live without my iBook, I’d go insane if something happened to it. Not that I’m saying you’re insane.” She blushed and he just knew that’s what she’d been thinking. The smile was frozen on his face and he wished she would go away. Instead she was staring at him. “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yes, yes. Fine. Absolutely fine. Just a bit jumpy, you know. Close call and all.” Now get out of here before I start screaming.

“Ok. Listen, this week’s pub is The King’s Head. We’d love for you to join us. Like I say, it’s been forever.”

Four months, three weeks to be exact, but who’s counting? He shook his head but kept the smile on. No need insulting old colleges. “Wish I could, but…” He left the sentence hanging, allowing her to fill it up with whatever excuse she saw fitting.

“Yeah, I know.” She rolled here eyes. “It’s a bitch.”

He smiled and nodded to whatever ‘it’ was. “Yeah. Anyway, I really have to…” He shifted his eyes to the editor’s office down the hall and she thankfully took the hint and backed off. “Nice seeing you.”

“Yeah, Will. You too. Don’t be a stranger, we all miss you.” She smiled and he watched her walk back to her cubicle, wondering what she would say about him at tonight’s drinking. Clenching his jaw he pushed the thought out of his head and headed towards Rupert’s office.

As he was about to knock on the closed door marked Rupert Giles, ed. he glanced through the glass and stopped with his fist inches from the door. Someone was sitting on the sofa on the other side of the small room. A tall man, dark hair, face hid behind the plastic fern. Nervously he glanced at his watch but he was right on time. Maybe a previous meeting had run late. He fidgeted outside the door, not sure what to do.

Rupert had told him that either he got his arse over here or any hope he had of ever getting anything published again would end. He had been lenient, he’d said, knowing Will was dealing with some personal shit he didn’t really want to know about but this was it. No more second chances. Or third or fourth or whatever number he was at after all this time. Reluctantly Will had agreed. He didn’t know what the assignment was although he assumed it was some dreadful amateur play or, even worse, a dog fair. He knew he deserved it after all the shit he’d pulled the last months. After all, how do you explain going from being the open, ready-for-anything guy to a hermit over night?

Suddenly the door swung open and he found himself face to face with his boss who was smiling although his eyes were shooting daggers. “Will! Finally!” He leaned in. “Don’t fuck this up or I’ll make sure you’ll never work at another magazine again!” The threat was hissed out between clenched teeth, the freaky smile never leaving his face. Oddly enough it calmed Will down. This he knew how to handle. This was old territory, a battle fought and won many times.

“Relax,” he mouthed before raising his voice and adding cheerfully. “Missed you too, old man. You don’t call, you don’t write…What’s a bloke supposed to think?” Giles glared at him, both of them knowing well he’d been harassing Will almost daily for months.

“Now, now, none of that. Will, I like you to meet Liam. He’ll be your photographer on the trip. Liam O’Donnell, William Ackroyd. Will, Liam.”

Will turned toward the sofa only to stop short. The man was staring at him, looking flushed and in shock. Trying to hide his confusion Will offered his hand. “Nice to meet you, Liam.”

The man’s gaze went from Will’s face and down to his hand, seemed to shift quickly a bit further down before swallowing and standing up. Involuntarily Will took a step back. That tall muscular frame…

“You too. William.”

Time seemed to freeze. That voice. It couldn’t be… His heart was beating faster and faster and he could feel his head starting to spin. He stepped back until he bumped into Giles who cursed and then grabbed his arm when he lost his balance.

“What’s wrong with you? Stop being a ponce and …”

Giles’ whispers drowned in the screaming inside Will’s head. He was still staring at Liam, who stared back, a mixture of panic and shame playing on his face. Then he turned around and ran out of the office, only just managing to reach the restrooms and throwing open a toilet before vomiting his late lunch. Heaving for breath he heard Rupert’s curses coming closer but before he reached the door someone stopped him and there were muffled voices whispering outside. Then everything went quiet.

Will pulled himself up, flushed the toilet, closed the lid and sat down, wiping his mouth on a piece of toilet paper. Then he reached out and closed the booth, turning the lock with trembling fingers. His thoughts were too loud for him to hear, all he could register was the need to get away. To run as fast and far away as he could. Except the thing he was running from was right outside the door. He wanted to cry.

The click of the door made him freeze and he held his breath in fear. Please go away. Please, please.

“William? It’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m not gonna do anything, okay?”

Like a child he drew up his feet. Maybe if Liam didn’t see them he wouldn’t know where he was. Of course there only were two booths in here…

“William… is it okay if I call you William?” When he got no answer he continued. “I… I didn’t know it was you. I swear. I never would have…” The voice trailed off and the silence vibrated in the small room. Then the thin door to the booth shook slightly and Will jumped until he realised it wasn’t opening but it seemed like Liam was leaning against it. When the voice started again it was so low he could hardly hear the words.

“God, I’m so sorry. So very, very sorry. I know they’re only words but they’re all I have. I wish I could turn back time but I can’t. I just want you to know… I never even realised what I’d really done until I saw your face just now.” The voice stopped, replaced by deep breathing. Will started to feel sick again.

“He told me, Giles, he told me you had been… depressed for a long time. Am I right in assuming I caused that?” Again Will didn’t answer him. “God, I’m so very sorry. I acted like a… Shit, I am a fucking rapist.” The voice broke off and Will thought he could hear a subdued sob. Then Liam cleared his throat and continued. “The offer still stands. If you want to report me I’ll go down there with you and…” The words hung in the air, fear dripping off them.

Will lowered his feet to the floor then stood slowly up. His hand trembled as he unlocked the door. He had been right in his assumption because Liam slightly lost his balance as the door that his forehead had been resting against swung in. Quickly he stepped back. His eyes were red and wet and his hands were clenched into tight fists by his sides.

They stood and watched each other in silence.

“Somehow I had imagined you bigger.” Will’s voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat. “Not that you’re short, I just…” He swallowed then gave a cold laugh. “I imagined you were a monster.”

“I am.” It wasn’t an excuse or a plea for mercy. Just a statement. It made Will wince.

“Look, I’m not gonna report you, I already told you that. I should but I… I really don’t need more humiliation added to my life.” He closed his eyes, his own screams of ‘Please, sir. Daddy. Please, yes!’ echoing in his head. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”

“You blame yourself.” Again a statement. Will didn’t answer, didn’t even open his eyes. “Don’t. You said no. I should have stopped.”

“I also remember saying yes.” And ‘please’ and ‘more’ and… He shivered.

“It doesn’t matter. I was out of control. I didn’t care, I just wanted to take you as hard as…” Liam stopped. “It was rape. I raped you.” His breath hitched. “God, I raped you.”

Will felt him move away and he opened his eyes. Liam looked like he was going to be sick. He was trembling, hands clutching one of the sinks.

Will blinked. “You really didn’t know.”

Liam shook his head slowly. “No. I just… I knew I had treated you badly, been too rough. I didn’t realise…”

He suddenly went green and Will quickly stepped aside as Liam ran into the booth and flicked open the lid. The sounds of heaving made him flinch. Walking over to the sink he turned on the water and waited for it to turn cold before splashing his face. Then he leaned over and swallowed a few sips of water before turning it off again. When he turned around Liam was standing in front of the booth, face ashen, hands trembling.

“Look, let’s just forget about it. Whatever you say I was to blame as well. I could have stopped you. I didn’t.” He didn’t say why. He wasn’t sure he knew. He’d been scared but that wasn’t the only reason. And he really didn’t want to explore that thought further. “We better get back or old Rupe will think…” He stopped and blushed, angry at his own careless words.

“Yeah. I’ll tell him the deal is off. I’ll make something up.”

At the same time they reached for the door. As their hands touched Will froze, the contact like a sting of electricity on his skin. They stood still, side by side, neither daring to move. Then Will stepped back.

“You go ahead. Tell him I ate some bad sushi. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Liam looked at him then nodded and went out the door. As it closed behind him Will sank down to the floor. Fuck. The back of his head banged the wall in frustration. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He could still feel the heat from Liam’s fingers on his skin. Slowly he brought the hand up to his lips then covered his face as it crumpled. A muffled sob escaped.

When he’d counted to one hundred his trembling had subsided and unsteadily he got to his feet, taking a few extra deep breaths before opening the door. He could hear voices from Giles’ office and if he could have reached the lift without passing them he would have run away. As it was he forced himself to go and join them.

“There you are. Bad sushi, eh?” Giles’ look told him he wasn’t buying it but hopefully he was as usual putting it down as too much booze or drugs last night. “Feeling better now?”

Will nodded, then reached for the laptop that he had dropped earlier. Thankfully it was well preserved inside its padded bag.

“Good, good. Liam was trying to tell me he couldn’t do the work but I managed to convince him otherwise.”

Will’s head snapped up and he stared at Liam who was avoiding his eyes. Angry, he turned to Rupert. “Look, ‘boss’. If the man says he can’t…”

“It’s not your problem, Will, is it?” Will tried to glare back but the piercing stare won over. “Good. Now, I want you to write about this incident just outside Glasgow. Gay bashing. Just your sort of thing.” If he noticed Will recoil he ignored it. “The funeral is at noon tomorrow. I don’t care how you get there just be on time. Pictures of the grieving lover would be your job, among other things.” This last sentence was directed at Liam who was looking very uncomfortable to say the least.

Will stepped back. “I don’t do that sort of thing. I do the arts; you know that. Exhibitions, music, theatre…”

“And I bet there will be some drama there tomorrow. A grand show of queens. Like I said, just your thing.” When Will opened his mouth to protest Giles’ face hardened. “Last chance, Will. And I’m not bluffing. Take it or leave it.”

Holding his stare for a minute or two Will knew he had lost. He was utterly and totally broke. He hadn’t worked for months and he owed both rent and other bills. He was actually surprised they hadn’t cut the power or water off his flat yet. With a last glare he relented with a nod.

“Good, good. You two talk then and I’ll expect you back with the story on Monday. And pictures.” He nodded toward Liam who smiled weakly and then they shook hands. Will didn’t bother, just turned around and walked out.

The lift was just closing when Liam squeezed in. Will involuntarily took a step backwards, bumping into the mirrored wall behind him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Look, I’m sorry. I tried. I told him I just remembered a prior arrangement. He didn’t buy it. He said he knew this had something to do with you and threatened to fire you if I…” Liam swallowed. “It’s okay. We don’t need to go together. We can take different trains…”

“I don’t do trains.” Too many people. Too dark at nights. Distorted reflections in the giant windows.

“What? Ok…” Liam faltered. “Plane then. I don’t mind, he’s paying, right?”

“I don’t do planes either.” Metal prisons. Breathe, breathe.

“Ok, ok.” Liam held up his hands. “You drive then and I’ll…”

“I don’t have a car.” The panic was welling up in him.

“You don’t…? Ok. I have one. I suppose I could lend it to you. Except it’s only insured for me and…”

“I can’t drive. I mean…I have no licence.” Drunken drugged up fuckhead. Lucky he didn’t kill anyone. The air was starting to feel thin. He punched the button again and again. Liam was watching him wearily, making him sweat profusely.

“Ok. Then we’re stuck. Except if you want to ride with me. I understand if you don’t want to…” Will’s short panicky laughter made him flinch. “Of course you don’t. How about…” He bit his lip. “Sorry, I have nothing. Tell me what you want to do.”

Will kept his eyes on the numbers, fighting the panic. 5. 4. “I want to go home and drink. That would be absolutely bloody brilliant. Except I have to be in fucking Glasgow in eighteen hours. So yeah, your car it is.” If he was ever going to crash or suffocate in a lift this would be the perfect timing.

“Ok. I’ll pick you up at your place…” He cringed. “You still live there?”

“Yeah. Still.” He didn’t mention the glass of water that he’d never removed from the bedside table, the contents by now dried up grey lines twirling on the bottom. He didn’t really know why. The lift came to a stop and he hurried out as soon as the doors opened. The lobby had never looked so good. He smiled at the girl behind the desk. She smiled back uncertainly. Did it show? Could she see him?

He turned to Liam, keeping his eyes on a spot right beside his ear. “Pick me up in an hour. I’d rather get going than having to get up in the middle of the night. We can always take a quick nap when we get there.” Far, far away from each other. Different hotels would be nice.

“Sure. And since I’ll be driving you can nod off in the car. If you want.” ‘If you trust me enough to do that’ were the unspoken words.

“Sure. Whatever.” Not bloody likely.

They parted with a nod, Liam walking to his car, Will heading for another tube nightmare.


IV: The Hate That It Brings

He’d been sitting nervously on the bed waiting for twenty minutes, a rapidly emptying bottle in his hand, when the doorbell rang. Taking the last swig he kicked the empty bottle under the bed, clutched the laptop under his arm and grabbed the over-night bag. When he opened the door the big dark form hidden in the shadows made him step back.

“Sorry. I’ll… The car is around the corner. I couldn’t get any parking here. Lots of cars, you know. Many people that live here. Or work. Or just, you know, park.” Liam stopped, realising he was babbling. “That’s all you’ve got?” He pointed to the bag.

“That’s all I need.”

“Right. Right. Just one night. Or, you know, two.” At Will’s startled look he added, “Got to get back again somehow. Don’t wanna get stuck in Scotland, right? Too… Scottish.” He coughed.

Despite his face being veiled by the dark Will could tell he was blushing. And somehow he couldn’t help the small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Only for a second but it was enough to startle him. He wasn’t going to like this man. It didn’t matter how he behaved now, he was still… Breathe, breathe.

“Here we are. At my car that is. You want to ride in the back?” To be as far away from me as possible was what he meant.

Will hesitated but then shook his head. “I get carsick.”

Liam nodded. “Not much for travelling at all, are you? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And, you know, if you need to…” He made a hurling motion with his hand. “… then just holler and I’ll pull over.”

Will glared at him indignantly. “Only get carsick when I ride in the back, all right? And I actually like driving. Not that it’s any of your business.”

He opened the door to the passenger seat, flung his bag in the back and sat down with the laptop between his legs. Liam was still blabbering on as he went around the car and got in. “… but anytime you wanna stop just…”

Will cut him off. “Can we get going? I want this over with as quickly as possible.” He could feel heat radiating from the man sitting too close to him. An involuntary shiver ran through him. He turned away in denial, staring out into the darkness.

“Of course. Absolutely. No problem.” The car started with a wroom and after fighting with the gears Liam finally managed to put them right and off they went.

Making it out of London took over an hour. The usual heavy traffic wasn’t helped by an accident on St. Johns Wood. By the time they were out on M1 Will’s head was aching. Tired he closed his eyes.

Three hours later a sharp swing startled him awake. The blaring honk of a lorry was being swallowed by the dark and Liam was staring at the road in shock. Will, rubbed his eyes. “What happened?”

“What?” Liam looked at him, then the road, then back at him and at the road again, eyes wide. “I think I fell asleep.”

“What!?!”

“I was driving and it was dark and then suddenly I was teaching my puppy how to sit. And then he barked and barked and I realised it wasn’t a bark and I opened my eyes and these fucking bright lights were heading right at us.” His voice shook. “It’s all right. It didn’t hit us.”

Will glared at him. “Well, obviously. Or we be dead, wouldn’t we? You fucking fell asleep at the wheel? What the bloody hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m tired, all right! I haven’t slept in two days because I was in America and I flew over here and was trying to minimize the jet lag by not sleeping until it was actually night and then suddenly I have to drive all the fucking way to fucking Glasgow so stop fucking yelling at me!” Liam was still staring at the road ahead, breathing heavily, white knuckles gripping the wheel.

“Ok, ok. Calm down. You need sleep, right? I’d drive except I shouldn’t and well, I haven’t been sleeping well either. And I’m probably still drunk.” He rubbed his eyes again. “Motel?”

“Ok. We’re more than half the way anyway so…”

“Good. Look, there it says two miles to the nearest B&B. It’s only 11 so it should still be open.”

They drove in silence. As they pulled into the parking lot Will reached back for his bag, accidentally bumping his shoulder into Liam’s arm as he straightened up again. He looked up to find Liam’s face inches from his own. He froze. The longer they stared the darker Liam’s eyes became and Will felt his heartbeat quicken. Something in his stomach fluttered.

Liam blinked. The spell broke and Will shied away.

“Only getting my wallet from the glove department.” Liam waved it apologetically but Will was already out of the car, walking swiftly toward the lit entrance. The woman behind the desk was watching the telly, a cigarette in one hand, a drink in the other. She smiled at Will but then she spotted Liam trailing in behind him and frowned. “Only got one room, lads.” Then she smirked and winked. “Not that you’d mind I guess.”

Will glared at her. “You guessed wrong. How far to the next stop?”

She sipped her drink. “Well, there’s Birdie’s place a few miles away but I just got of the phone with her, we’re old schoolmates you know, and she’s all full. Next one is…” She frowned “... ‘bout an hour from here. If you drive fast.” She looked up at them. “You don’t look like you could last another hour. Fall asleep at the wheel, did you, luv?” She chuckled when Liam looked up startled. “Not the first one to come in here late at night with that look on your face. Just be glad you woke up. Some never do.”

“All right, all right. He’ll take the room. I’ll sleep in the car.”

Will turned to the door but Liam grabbed his arm then let go of it like it burned him. “Sorry. I just… You can’t sleep in the car. It’s fucking freezing outside. I’ll find you all frozen dead in the morning.”

“I’ll take the blanket from the room. I’ll be all right.”

“No. If anyone’s sleeping in the car it should be me. After all I’m the one…” He didn’t finish.

“You’re not dragging my blanket out into your car.” The high-pitched voice made them turn. Yawning she stubbed out her fag. “The room’s got a double bed. You sleep on one side, he on the other.”

Will glared at her, then turned back to Liam. “I’ll sleep in the chair…”

“The room doesn’t have a chair.” She was watching them with great amusement.

He rolled his eyes. “All right, I’ll sleep on the fucking floor then.”

“Linoleum floor. No rug.” She grinned.

“Jesus! Just give us the keys, woman.”

She dangled them from her nicotine stained fingers and he snatched them angrily away from her. Liam followed him meekly up the stairs. Will’s hands were trembling as he fumbled with the lock but finally they got inside. The carpet was stained and the light flickered. The bedding was clean though and the bathroom smelled of chloride. The bed was huge. She probably threw rose petals on it and called the room the Bridal Suite when needed.

“Don’t even think about sleeping naked.” Will threw his bag on the right side of the bed. Liam opened his mouth then closed it again. He waited patiently as Will closed the bathroom door behind him, still standing in the same spot when he emerged five minutes later in boxers and a t-shirt, smelling of Colgate. Will was already under the heavy duvet lying on his side on the edge of the bed, eyes closed tight when Liam came out of the bathroom.

When he flipped the switch the bulb went pop. Will froze as the old fear crept in on him. Shit. A few tries confirmed it was dead. Liam tried the small bedside lamp but it was dead as well. Sighing he turned to the door to inform their lovely landlady when Will said, “Leave it.”

“What?”

Liam turned to him, quizzically, and Will tugged the duvet tighter to his chest. You can do this, stop being such a girl, you ponce. “Just… pull away the curtains and go to sleep, all right?” He lay still as Liam walked around the bed and pulled the curtains aside to allow the faint streetlight to shine in. His heart quickened as the bed dipped and the single duvet was tugged at. Then they lay in complete silence. He was actually drifting off to sleep when Liam’s subdued voice startled him.

“About what happened…”

He stiffened. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know, it’s just… I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Incredulous he turned. “You’re too bloody right it won’t! You’re not getting near my arse. You’re not getting near my anything!”

“But I…”

“No! I don’t know what you think happened in the parking lot just now. I’m tired and pissed and I haven’t had a single date since… Just stay the fuck away from me, all right?” He turned his back to Liam again.

The silence was deafening. Then Liam coughed. “I was talking about me falling asleep at the wheel.”

Will blinked. “Oh.”

“But you’re right about it all. I wouldn’t dream off…” He paused. “What happened in the parking lot?”

Will closed his eyes and sighed. “Nothing. Go to sleep.”

“Oh, ok. Good night.”

Will didn’t answer.

~~~~~~~

He was in the middle of a familiar nightmare involving blood and crying when he woke up to someone shaking him. Panicking he flailed around, hitting the intruder again and again. Then he realised where and with whom he was and stilled. Liam was groaning beside him.

“Sorry.”

“’S awrighd.”

The voice was nasal and Will grimaced. “I hit your nose?”

“Yeah. Dod woddy aboud id.” Liam got up and went into the bathroom. The bright light when turned on hurt Will’s eyes. He swallowed, still shaky from the nightmare.

“You just startled me, that’s all. I didn’t mean to…”

“Mby faud. The ndightmbe.” Liam let go of his nose, wiped it a few more times then flushed the bloody toilet paper. When he came back in the light made him look huge in the bathroom doorway and Will shrank involuntarily back.

“Look, it’s all right. I’ll go…” Liam stopped, knowing there was nowhere he could go. He bowed his head, guilt written upon his face.

“If you went, which you can’t anyway, I’d still have nightmares. But if you’re here you can wake me up before they get too bad.”

Liam bit his lip. “They get worse?”

“Yes.”

Liam flipped the light off then walked over to his side of the bed and sat down heavily. “God, I’m so very sorry. I had no idea…”

“Forget it.”

“No, I can’t. It’s all my fault.”

“No.” Will paused. When he continued his voice was trembling. “It’s not all your fault. I told you, I could have stopped you and…” He closed his eyes in shame. “I’ve had worse, all right? A long time ago. You just sort of brought that all back.”

“Oh.” Liam glanced over at him. “How long ago?”

“About fifteen years.”

“But you’re only…” Liam drew in a sharp breath. “Oh shit. Oh God. I’m so sorry.” Will felt him shift beside him and for a moment he though he might be reaching out for him but the touch never came. He wasn’t sure how that made him feel. “Who was it?”

“Daddy dearest.” The sarcasm fell flat, and he squeezed his eyes tighter trying to blot out the terrified voice in his head. ‘Please, daddy! Please!’ He could hear Liam hitch his breath and his face flushed red with shame. “He was very drunk and high on speed so it went far beyond the usual petting and licking. I nearly bled out. Woke up in the hospital a day later and he was gone. My mum never forgave me. I never understood why cos I didn’t remember what had happened, I’d suppressed it all, locked it away in some dark room in my mind. Then you came…”

He opened his eyes, blinking at Liam’s dark form that was shadowed by the yellow streetlight. “The night after… what happened, I woke up screaming from this horrible nightmare and then I realised it wasn’t a dream, they were memories coming back.” He closed his eyes again. “And it doesn’t matter how much I drink they refuse to go away.” Why on God’s green earth was he telling him this?

“Jesus.” The voice shivered. “Oh God. I’m so very sorry.”

Will shook his head, irritated. “Will you stop saying that! You’re like a bloody broken record.”

“I’m so…” Liam paused. “I don’ know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. Go back to sleep.” Will turned over on his side, facing the wall. He lay still, listening to Liam slide under the duvet. Their breathing echoed in the dark room.

“I have no story.” Liam’s voice sounded hesitant. “Not that you want to hear it if I did. I don’t know why I am like that. Why I like it so… hard. I wasn’t bullied, I wasn’t abused. I just… like it. I haven’t though, since…”

“Oh well, good for you.” Will felt Liam flinch but despite what he’d said about who to blame he wanted to hurt him back. After all he couldn’t very well beat up his dad. Didn’t even know if he was still alive. “Cutting back on the rape addiction. That’s just great. Have they got a patch for that?”

Liam didn’t answer. Will bit back the guilt and continued. “Maybe you should take it slower? Don’t want withdrawal symptoms. You could work your way down to teenage boys then small girls and…” The sound of quiet sobbing shut him up. Fuck.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. It’s been a long day and a fucking long night and…” The sobbing stopped but he could feel the body beside him shaking. He felt awful. Rolling over he put a hand hesitantly on Liam’s tense back. “I didn’t mean it, ok? Just my fucking big mouth going off again.”

“I just… I can’t believe I did that. I didn’t… I never realised what a fucking bastard I am.”

He sounded lost but he didn’t pull away and Will let his hand rest on his shoulder. He suddenly felt the urge to let it glide down the tense arm and put his arm around his waist or even slide his hand further down. He held his breath then let it out slowly. “You’re not… You’re not a bastard. Well, maybe you are but not that way. You just…”

“All these times I’ve fucked someone hard, coaxing them into it, making them believe they really want it. Maybe they never did, maybe I really forced them. How many like you have I left in my path?”

Will felt a strange feeling in his stomach. “You’ve done that often?”

“Not the way I treated you. But yeah, I’ve hurt some. Not to brag but I’m not… small. Even for the guys that are into that sort of thing. The whole… violent, rough scene. In the end they always love it but when we start out… it sometimes scares them. So they need… persuasion. I’ve heard too many no’s turn to yes to remember sometimes it truly means no. Not that that’s any excuse.” He sniffled.

Will’s hand tensed on Liam’s shoulder. “Ever hurt anyone badly? Anyone need stitches? Any broken bones?”

“No!” Liam drew in a sharp breath. “Did I...? How badly did I hurt you?”

Will pulled back, suddenly angry. “Physically? You ripped me up pretty badly. I bled for days whenever I had to take a dump. Got constipate cos I was too afraid to go to the loo.” He could feel Liam cringe but he didn’t really care. “What more? Yeah, a bump at the back of my head as well. Felt sick and dizzy so there might have been a concussion but more likely it was because of the booze and the lack of food. Bitemarks on my shoulder, bruises around my throat and various other places, sore throat from all the screaming. But no broken bones and no stitches.” He didn’t mention the psychological or emotional hurt. He didn’t need to.

“God, I’m so sor…” Liam stopped just in time. “If there are any medical bills or, you know, other…”

“Other than the HIV test, no.”

Liam stilled. “I used a condom.”

“Well, I couldn’t really remember if you did or not, having been unconscious half the time. So those were fun three weeks.” He swallowed, remembering the terrifying waiting by the phone. “Don’t worry, I’m clean.”

“Me too.” He paused. “So are you seeing anyone now? Not that it’s any of my business.”

“Not that it is any of your business but no.” ‘No one touches you but me.’ He shivered slightly and rolled over, turning his back at Liam again. “We should really get some sleep.”

They lay still for a while, neither even closing their eyes. When Liam spoke it was in a hesitant whisper.

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Not just because I felt guilty for the way I treated you. I’d been watching you for weeks before I made my move that first time. Usually that’s how it ends. One quick hard fuck and I’m gone. I prowl for the guys that have that look in their eyes, the look that tells me they want it hard and they want it now.” Feeling Will tense he added quickly, “But you weren’t like that. I mean yes, you wanted it but it was a lot more than that to my desire. So when you started struggling and I should have stopped or slowed down I only wanted to fuck you harder, faster. That night when I got home all I could think of was you, your smell, the taste of your skin, the feel of your tight arse clenching my cock. How I could feel your heart beating too fast in your chest when you tried to get away. Your whimpers and moans.” He hitched his breath. “Your screams being muffled by my hand.

Will lay frozen, heart pounding in his chest. He was hard as a rock, his erection pressing against his damp boxers. He could feel Lim shift beside him and then the soft puffing of breath against his neck. What was happening?

“I tried to stay away from you because I didn’t like the power you held over me.”

Will wanted to laugh hysterically. Power? He held a power over Liam? Yeah, right.

“Managed it a week then I was back looking for you. Watched you for a fortnight, drinking, dancing, scanning the crowd for someone worthy of your attention.”

Will would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t so scared. Liam’s breath was burning his skin.

“Then that night I was worried because you’d been so long in the restrooms. So I decided to check up on you. Let’s just say the little lad took me by surprise.”

Will blinked in confusion, then it dawned on him. Oh. The cocksucking kid. He’d forgotten about him.

“I got so angry, I was blinded by jealousy. Who was he to touch you? I wanted to kill him.” He gave a cold laugh at Will’s obvious start. “Don’t worry, I didn’t. Instead I followed you home.”

“I wanted you for myself. To own you. I actually contemplated bringing you home with me like a pet. I’ve never felt like that before. And when you were so obviously turned on by my caveman behaviour I felt so incredibly… powerful. Like I actually did own you and could do anything I wanted to you. So I did.” He shivered and Will clenched his fists.

“Ordering and pushing you around, making you call me sir. Your tongue licking me, your mouth as it closed around me. Mine, all mine. When you passed out I thought at first you were faking. Playing the drama queen. I wasn’t worried about hurting you, I was just annoyed that I had to wait for you to wake up. Although the spanking made more than up for it. You were like a little boy and I was your master.” He sobbed. “God, I’m sick.”

Not as sick as me for getting hard just from listening to you, Will thought. Fuck.

“When you called me da…” His voice broke and Will was shamefully reminded of their previous talk. “When you called me daddy I totally lost it. Not the first time someone’s called me that but hearing you say it… I went berserk. I don’t remember much after that.” He hesitated. “Until you started crying and I realised I’d gone too far. Much, much too far.”

Will opened his mouth but closed it again, too shaken up to talk. Listening to Liam had conjured up images he should hate but instead he was painfully hard and sweat was running down his back. He could hear the voice now so broken growling obscenities in his ear; he could feel the trembling hands when they were strong and digging iron fingers into his hip. When the breathing on his neck became erratic and loud he couldn’t stand it any longer.

He rolled over and before Liam had time to recoil he grabbed him by the neck and pressed their lips together. The shocked resistance soon relented and Liam opened up to let him in. He tasted of salt and fluoride. An uncertain hand touched Will’s hip and he bucked forward, bumping his cotton-clad erection into Liam’s cock that was swelling in his own boxers. The touch made Liam pull back in shock, eyes wide, breath hitching.

“Wha… what are you doing?”

Will fisted his hair and pulled him close again. “I want to get rid off those memories. You fucked them in, I’m fucking them out.”

This time the kiss was deeper, harder and when Liam once again pulled back he was panting heavily. “We can’t… it doesn’t work that way. You don’t want this, you don’t want me.”

“It will if I say so. And if I don’t want you why do I have this?” He rolled them over so he landed on top, grinding his erection against Liam’s, staring into his eyes. “I need a fuck, Liam. You said it yourself, no one touches me but you. So no one has.”

Liam’s eyes widened and he shook his head anxiously. “I didn’t mean…”

“Yes, you did. And if I’m yours then you are also mine.” His determination faltered and he bit his lip, pleading in his eyes. “I need this. Please.”

At the look of pity in Liam’s eyes he suddenly felt anger well up inside him again for his weakness. He pushed off and stood up, then frantically began pacing the small room. “Think you’re the only one that’s been obsessed with what happened? You’ve been haunting me, ruling my life with your absence. Yes, it gave me nightmares but worse than that it gets me so hard I want to cry with disgust for what I am.” He stopped and stared at Liam’s dark form on the bed. “See, you were right. I did want it, I wanted you to take me, own me, possess me. And the fact that it went too far didn’t change that. I still want you, the only difference is that now it sickens me.”

He was breathing heavily with anger, hands knotted into fists by his sides. “Even after all the pain, all the fear all I have to do is look at you and I want you to throw me against a wall and fuck me hard. Drive that fucking big cock of yours into my arse and fuck me until I cry and beg for mercy. That was what you wanted, wasn’t it? For me to crave you like that? Well, you bloody well succeeded. So who’s the bigger pervert, me or you?”

He glared into the darkness, imagining Liam’s eyes watching him with disgust. After a long time of silence he growled in frustration and grabbed his bag, rummaging through it until he came up with the bottle of scotch. With shaking hands he unscrewed it.

“That won’t fix anything.” Liam’s voice sounded strange in the dark. Will froze, the bottle already touching his lips. Then he took a deep swig and turned to stare at Liam.

“Who are you? My da…” He stopped and turned away. “Mind your own bloody business.”

“You said it yourself, drinking doesn’t make them go away. The memories.” Liam paused and Will could almost hear the cogs turning in his head. “You really think…?” He paused again. When he continued his voice was so low Will could hardly hear him. “If you really want to you can… fuck me.”

Will choked on the mouthful of scotch and turned to Liam again. “What?”

“I said, if you want to you can fuck me. If you think it makes you feel better.”

“Feel better?” He laughed coldly. “You offering me a guilt fuck? Give Will a little arse and he’ll forget everything so you can stop feeling so bad? Thanks, but suddenly I’m not in the mood. Wonder why?”

He stalked over to the window and pushed the heavy curtains further aside, the yellow glow from the outside light making his skin glow. He stayed rigid, staring out of the window, slowly sipping the strong liquid until he could hear Liam’s breathing slow down behind him. Then he slowly walked over and slipped under the duvet again, careful not to think about the heat radiating from the body so dangerously close to his.


V: It’s Your Sex I Can Smell

When he woke up the first thing he noticed was something heavy lying across his stomach. Confused he blinked and turned his head only to find Liam’s face inches from his own. He was still asleep, lips slightly parted, soft puffs of hot air brushing against Will’s chin. His arm was slung across Will’s waist in a possessive hug and his eyes were moving quickly behind his eyelids. Will couldn’t help wondering if he was dreaming of him.

His heart was hammering in his chest but he didn’t move. He hadn’t woken up next to someone in a long time and the feelings Liam’s presence stirred up inside him were confusing to say the least. Wondering what was happening to him he studied the man that had haunted his dreams for so long. Somehow the real thing was quite different than the image he’d made up in his head.

This man had a high brow, which was now furrowed by whatever he was dreaming. Will noticed a small dent in the skin a little bit off the centre and he wondered what had made it. The hair was brown and stuck up like a brush. The eyelashes were long and Will tried to remember what colour his eyes were. Green? Brown? The nose seemed a bit crooked but the lips were full and so damn kissable he had a hard time not testing them out again. The duvet had slid of Liam’s upper half, revealing a muscular chest under a thin t-shirt and a tanned arm that made his heart flutter. Letting his eyes glide further down he saw a slender foot peek out at the bottom of the bed. Sighing he glanced up again, right into brown eyes staring at him with uncertainty.

“Morning.”

Will swallowed. “Good morning.” His eyes darted from Liam’s eyes to his lips. “Erm… we should probably….”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them moved. Will cleared his throat and tried again. “Got to be there in time. Long road, you know.”

“Yes. We should…” Liam paused and suddenly Will felt something stir against his thigh. His own cock jumped so fast in his loose boxers it struck Liam hard. They both drew in a sharp breath, eyes wide. Their lips were so close all it would take was a tiny movement. Will swallowed again. Slowly he closed his eyes and parted his lips. Liam’s breath was hot against his face and he let it guide him closer and closer…

The sharp ring made them both jump and Will sat up and grabbed the phone. “What?!”

“Well, aren’t we grumpy this morning? You asked for a wake up call at 8 o’clock, luv. It’s now 9.”

“What!” Furious he checked his watch. “Why the bloody hell didn’t you call at 8 then?”

“No need to be rude, young man. I did call, at least I think I called. Might have forgotten though, mind’s not quite what it used to…”

Will slammed the receiver down on the muttering voice and jumped out of bed. “Hurry up and get dressed. We have to be there in three hours.” He didn’t even glance at Liam, only grabbed his jeans and with some difficulty managed to button them over his still painfully hard erection. Behind him he could hear Liam getting dressed as well and he angrily forced the images of his half-naked body out of his head. Grabbing his bag and the almost empty bottle of scotch he swung the door open and stalked out.

The first hour driving was spent in silence, Will tapping his fingers nervously on the dashboard, Liam staring at the road ahead with a look of confusion on his face. Finally he glanced at Will and cleared his throat. “So…”

“No.” Will didn’t even look at him.

“No? No what?”

“No nothing, anything. Let’s just forget about it. All of it.”

The silence was even more oppressing now. Liam fumbled with the radio, then gave up after a couple of long minutes filled with loud white noise. “Still broken. Which I knew of course. Doesn’t mend itself, right?” He laughed nervously. “So…”

“No!”

Exasperated Liam turned to him. “Yes! Please, William. We need to talk about.. us.”

“Us? There is no us. No us! Ok?”

“Ok, ok. I just meant… were you gonna kiss me this morning?”

“No! Ok, yes. Maybe. But I didn’t so let’s just forget it, all right?”

Liam stared ahead. He lasted about five minutes before he started again. “I wanted you to, kiss me I mean. And… and fuck me.” When Will angrily opened his mouth he added quickly, “Not out of pity. Just… you’re so beautiful, you know that? Those eyes and lips and that scar across your eyebrow. The way your hair was all curled up this morning and… I just wanted you so bad. Wanted you to take me. Hard and fast and…” He stopped, his face flushed.

Will sat frozen, heart hammering in his chest. He could see it now, Liam spread across the bed, hands tied to the headboard, thighs trembling as Will pounded into him. Brutal animalistic fucking, taking out his pain and rage on Liam’s beautiful body…

He closed his eyes, his own thoughts frightening him. He wasn’t like that. He refused to be that kind of person.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… you felt it too, I know you did. We have something, you and I. The same need, the same… longing.”

“I’m nothing like you!” But as the words left his mouth he knew they weren’t true. He had just as much admitted it last night but in the harsh light of day the truth was too brutal for him to face.

“No! No, of course you’re not. But… It’s nothing wrong with wanting it a little rough. It’s not sick or perverted; it’s just a matter of taste.” Liam paused. “Unless you go too far. That’s what makes me the monster, not you.”

The silence was even more uncomfortable now. Will refused to look at Liam but Liam kept glancing at him like he was hoping for some kind of acknowledgement. This time Will was the one to break.

“Ok, so maybe I do like it rough. That doesn’t mean I want you. I mean, after what happened how can you even think…”

“You’re right, you’re right. I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing wrong with liking it a bit rough, I know that. I’m not a prissy prick, you know, I’ve actually had sex in ways and places that…” He stopped, suddenly remembering this was not supposed to be a pervert competition. “What I meant to say was that as long as we have two consenting adults it’s nobody’s bloody business what they do. So yeah, I like it rough. I like to feel the power of extreme passion explode between two aroused individuals, stretch those boundaries, walk that line.”

“But I crossed it.” Liam’s voice was quiet.

“Yes, you did.” Will gritted his teeth. “I’ve treated guys roughly, called them whores, put bruises on their hips. But I don’t hit them or hurt them until they bleed, I don’t force them further than they are willing to go and I bloody well don’t rape them until they pass out from the fucking pain!” He was shouting, eyes blinking away tears, hands trembling so hard he had to slam them flat on his thighs to still them.

He could feel Liam shaking beside him but this time he was too angry to care. It was the first time he’d really put words to what he was feeling and it was incredibly liberating. He was angry, so fucking angry he wanted to slam his fist into Liam’s face. All the fear he’d felt before was gone. He didn’t care that Liam was twice his size; he wanted him to stop the car and get the hell out so he could beat the shit out of him.

When Liam swerved to the side and slammed the brakes he thought for a moment that he had said it out loud. But Liam didn’t leave the car, he just slammed his fist into the wheel, making Will jump, then hung his head and started to cry. Will sat frozen, the cars zooming past them making the whole thing seem so unreal. When he finally looked over at Liam the guilt hit him again, no matter how much he didn’t want to feel it. The man was the picture of misery; red and puffy eyes in a grey pasty face, lower lip trembling, breath hitching. No wonder Liam had pulled over, there was no way he could drive, blinded by tears and probably too shaken to even know in what direction he was headed. Without thinking Will reached out and laid his hand soothingly on Liam’s thigh.

“I’m sorry. That was… I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just…” He stopped, not sure what to say.

“You… You’re right. I just can’t believe I did that. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?” He slammed the wheel again, but this time Will didn’t flinch, just squeezed Liam’s thigh a bit tighter. “And you know what the worst part is? That I mainly regret it because it means I can never have you. How fucking selfish is that?”

Will swallowed. The tense thigh was warm under his touch and he suddenly envisioned his hand slipping a bit further up and more to the right. What the fuck was wrong with Liam? What the fuck was wrong with him? One minute he wanted to smash Liam’s face in, the next he wanted to grope him. Talk about crossing lines; he was bloody well turning them into circles. Or something; that metaphor didn’t really make much sense but then again all his renowned articulacy seemed to have flown out the window.

“You want me that much?” He heard himself say the words before he realised what he was doing. His hand suddenly started prickling on Liam’s thigh and he tried pulling it back only to be seized by Liam’s trembling grip.

“I told you, you weren’t like all the others. From the moment I saw you I wanted you. And no matter how hard I try I can’t make that craving go away. Fuck William, if I hadn’t behaved like such a fucking prick would you have…? Do you think you might have…?” His eyes flashed up and stared at Will with such pain that he was taken aback. The question however he knew the answer to, had been thinking about it ever since they met again.

“Yes.”

Liam’s lower lip quivered, his grief so obvious Will wanted to take his answer back even though he wasn’t sure the alternative would be any better. The heat from Liam’s fingers was running through his hand like electricity and he felt himself flush. In his chest his heart began beating faster and faster and he could feel a drop of sweat running down his back. Liam kept staring at him, like he was drinking in his image, memorising it for eternity. The air in the car was becoming thicker, tension charging through it like small bolts of lighting.

Will didn’t even realise he was leaning forward until his nose bumped into Liam’s and for a second they both froze. Then everything exploded and they were smashing their lips together, teeth clashing, tongues fighting for the first penetration. There were fingers tugging at Will’s hair and a warm palm pushing down on his erection. He wasn’t sure where his own hands were but he was tugging desperately at Liam’s clothes knowing he had to touch skin or he would go mad. Finally there was a sound of ripping and the warmth leaping out at his groping hands made him moan into Liam’s mouth.

It wasn’t until Liam accidentally hit the horn, its loud honk making them both jump that they pulled back, remembering where they were. Panting they stared at one another, both of them shocked by what had happened. Finally Will swallowed and looked away.

“Maybe we should…?”

“Yeah.” Liam put the car in gear and checking if the road was clear he stepped on the accelerator so hard they both slammed into the back of the seats.

“So…” Liam hesitated, remembering the turn that opener had taken earlier.

“I hope you have another t-shirt.” Will tried to fight the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth but one look at Liam’s confused face and it turned into a big grin. “Unless you want to walk around looking like Hulk.”

“Huh?” Liam looked down and pulled at the front of his t-shirt, eyes widening when he felt it opening at the back. “So that’s how your hands got in.” He pouted slightly. “I really liked this one.”

Will quirked his eyebrow. “Well, next time I feel the urge to grope you I’ll be more careful.”

“Next time?” Liam glanced at him, his grip on the wheel tightening a little.

Will was quiet for a while. When he spoke his voice was surprisingly calm. “Well, we’ve only been in each other’s presence about 12 hours and we’ve already kissed twice. Doesn’t matter how much I want to stay away from you, I can’t really see me holding back for the next 24 hours. Do you?” He looked up and the fire in his eyes made Liam hitch his breath.

“So you… forgive me?”

Will looked away. “I don’t know. I think I need to forgive myself before I can forgive you. But for what it’s worth I’m willing to try and push those feelings of guilt and blame aside, at least for the day. That’s all I can promise you.”

“Thank you.”

Silence fell again but this time it wasn’t nearly as oppressing as before. Liam kept both hands on the wheel seeming in deep thoughts and Will took the opportunity to once again study him. He had been carrying the emotional image of this man for so long in his head that what he was now looking at seemed ridiculously ordinary. Not that the man wasn’t exceptionally handsome, even beautiful if he allowed himself to use that word, but he was in no way unearthly or demonic as he had so often convinced himself. He had a feeling that in his mind he had made him that way to better explain his own irrational behaviour. To diminish his own blame.

But this wasn’t a monster or a man with unnatural powers of coercion. He was just a man. Big, but not so big that Will shouldn’t have been able to fight back to a greater extent than he did. Seductive but there was no magic, no evil force. Just plain old charisma, mixed with some unusually strong sexual attraction. And that confused the hell out of him.

There was no question that he had wanted him. Still wanted him. But had he wanted ‘it’? Had it really been rape like he kept telling himself or had that just been a convenient way to throw all his shame and self-disgust over on Liam’s shoulders? He had said no, but he’d also said yes and he couldn’t deny that he had enjoyed part of it. Most of it even. Couldn’t deny that he’d begged him for more. Despite all the pain and humiliation he had come harder than ever before and looking at him now he suddenly knew he wanted it all again.

If it had really been rape no way he would be here, sitting beside his alleged rapist, barely holding back the urge to jump his bones and rip his clothes off. He’d focused so long on Liam being the Big Evil when in reality what had brought him down, had turned his life into a whole fucking mess of nightmares and terror had been the returned memories from his childhood. He couldn’t even remember what his father looked like; all he remembered was his ragged breath and his filthy words and the pale hairy flesh pressing down on him, suffocating him. He had no face, just like Liam hadn’t had a face until a few hours ago and in his mind he had merged them into one being, the reason for all his misery.

There was no doubt that Liam had been in the wrong. There was a fine line that you had to walk when you engaged in that kind of sex and Liam had crossed it, getting lost in his own needs, forgetting that it was supposed to be about both of them. He deserved to feel guilt and shame but…

“You didn’t rape me. I was wrong to say you did.” The words came out before he had time to think them over but when Liam looked over at him in shock he didn’t falter. “Somehow I turned you into my father in my head but you’re not him. You’re not a monster. But…” He raised his hand to shut up Liam who was about to argue. “You’re close enough. One step away from becoming one. If you can’t control yourself… You need help.” He laughed bitterly. “Fuck, we both need help. I’m just as twisted as you are.”

“No, William. You’re nothing like me. You said it and it’s true. Thanks for trying to make me feel better but I know what I am, what I did. I do need help. I promise, when we get back I’ll find someone to… do that.” Liam paused. “I’m glad I met you again. I probably would have done it again, given time, if you hadn’t made me realise... Thank you.” He shot Will a quick glance, the civility of their conversation making the whole thing seem unreal. Like they were discussing a scene from a movie, not a nightmare of their real lives.

Will nodded slowly. “In a way I’m glad too. If we hadn’t met… I’d probably still be locked up drunk in my flat, scared of my own shadow. My dad is most likely dead, drunken junkie that he was, anyway he won’t be coming back to hurt me. And I’m starting to believe you won’t either.”

“God, William, I swear I’ll never…”

“Yeah well, this isn’t about you, it’s about me.” He took a deep breath, then spoke with a determination he wasn’t sure he felt. “I need to take control of my life again. And that’s where you come in.” Will looked away, staring out at the grey countryside. “I need you to help me. I know it sounds irrational but I built my fear around you, giving you the blame for everything bad that happened to me. I lost faith in… well, everything. Everyone. But if you can make me believe in you, that you are a ‘good guy’, that you can be trusted…” He swallowed. “Then I might just get my faith back.” He turned his head, the uncertainty in his eyes mirrored in Liam’s. “Would you?”

Liam swallowed, shifting his stare from the almost empty road to Will’s face. “You want me to…?” He choked up, his knuckles w