Closer

By Felisblanco

I: Closer to God

The music was deafening, the thumping bass vibrating his body until his heart was beating to the rhythm of the song. The place was stuffed with bodies writhing like snakes in a pit, the flashing lights glistening on their sweaty skin. The air reeked with suppressed lust but even more with released desire. In every dark corner, even on the dance floor, there were people kissing, pressing their aroused bodies so tight together they looked like a two-headed beast.

Damn, he was lonely.

The drink was warming in the glass as he swirled it around, melting ice cubes lightening the golden liquid. He wasn’t half as drunk as he wanted to be. Oblivion didn’t come cheap and on his salary he was lucky if he reached the state of simply not caring. Luck wasn’t his lady tonight.

Sighing, he downed the rest of the drink and left the empty glass at the bar before slowly moving through the dancing crowd. It was late and he was tired. Not ‘needing sleep’ tired, just tired. Tired of the loneliness, the lack of purpose, the whack-whack-whack of his ever-faithful hand giving him his nightly release.

So fucking tired.

The change in music made him pause in the shadows underneath the staircase. His dick twitched. Always got him hard that song, the words projecting images to his brain of a throbbing cock being brutally thrust into a man’s stretched hole. Preferably his.

He rested his forehead against the iron railing and closed his eyes. The music filled him, vibrating his body until he was shivering with unfulfilled need. God, he needed to get laid but right now he was going to settle for this infuriating teasing and the limits of his imagination. Ghostly lips kissing his, strong hands sweeping over his body, a hard erection being pressed into his…

Hell, even he didn’t have such a vivid imagination!

“Wha…?” He gulped as a hand sneaked around and grabbed his bulge. Someone was breathing heavily into his ear. He tried to turn his head but whoever it was moved over to the other side and their bodies were pressed so tight together he couldn’t move.

“Fuck, you’re hot.” The voice was husky, sending little bolts of lightning down his spine. “Been watching you. You come here every night. Lusting. I think…” A wet tongue licked his neck from the corner of his collarbone and all the way up to his ear. “No, I know you’re lusting for me.”

“Really?” His own voice was raw. “I don’t even know who you are.” Hands, hands everywhere.

Teeth were pulling at his earlobe. “Oh, I think you do.” The tongue sneaked into his ear making his breath hitch..

“Really?” Eloquent as always. His heart was racing; strong fingers were digging into his hips, drawing him even closer.

The man behind him chuckled. “Really.” Fuck, how big was this thing pressing into him? Felt like a rock hard snake getting ready to chew its way through his jeans and into his ass.

“Care to…” He swallowed as the hands moved over to the front and started unbuttoning his jeans. “Care to give me a hint?”

Pop, pop, pop go the buttons. “Well, in about five minutes you’re gonna call me God.”

He should be thinking ‘Yeah, right!’ or ‘Who the hell does this guy think he is?’ but he was too busy concentrating on the fingers sneaking inside the front of his pants until they wrapped themselves around his cock, squeezing it hard. Thank God for no underwear. And to distract him even further there was a mouth sucking on his neck and a cock being pushed rhythmically against his ass. Not his fault he couldn’t help pushing back.

“Don’t you just love this song? Doesn’t it make you want to rip your clothes off and grab the next sweet ass you see?”

“Uh-huh.” God, what was that man doing with his fingers? And his tongue and his whole fucking body!

“Now this part I particularly like.” The man stilled. “Listen.”

He didn’t really have to; he knew the lyrics by heart. The singer’s smooth voice growled out the words and more than ever they hit him right in the groin.

“I want to fuck you like an animal, I want to feel you from the inside…”

The man behind him inhaled sharply. “That’s what I’m gonna do to you. Fuck you like an animal.” His jeans were slowly eased down and he felt naked skin touch his ass. Oh Jesus. “Fuck you so hard you can’t walk for days. Fuck you until you scream and beg for mercy.” There was the sound of licking and then a slick finger was pushing against his entrance.

“Oh God.” He grabbed hold of the railing above him with trembling hands. They couldn’t be doing this. Not here. There were people passing inches in front of him, he could easily have reached out and touched them. The shadows under the stairs kept them concealed, the loud music drowning his moans but still…

“Yes. Exactly.” The whisper made him throw his head back. He was rewarded with bites and licks down his neck. His legs were pushed further apart and then he heard the familiar sound of a condom being unwrapped. Jesus, they were really doing this.

The cold lube being squeezed inside his ass made him jump but then there were two fingers sliding in, stretching him, preparing him. They made him burn but he still wanted more. Desperate he pushed back, ignoring the man’s laughter.

Fuck, yeah. He wanted to be filled with that huge fucking cock. He wanted to be taken, just like this, blindly, hard, without emotions. The fingers withdrew and something considerably larger was pressing against his slick hole. He tensed but he was too far-gone now to back out. Bring it on, fucker. The pressure increased until the tight muscle finally gave way. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. If that was just the head, how would the whole thing be? The man didn’t move, seeming to wait for his permission. Well, it was too fucking late to be gallant now.

“Just do it. Fuck me, you bastard. Now!” And he pushed back, almost screaming with shock, as he was impaled on the biggest cock he’d ever had. Fuck! He was trembling, trying to hold still as the sharp burning electrified him.

“Fuck, you’re tight. So fucking tight.” The man grabbed his hips and pulled back until only the tip remained inside. He wanted to yell ‘Wait!’ but it was too late. The impact was so hard he knocked his head on the railing and there were stars in front of his eyes. His ass felt like it was on fire. It was too much, too fucking much…

A huge hand was covering his mouth. “Sshh, no screaming.” He had screamed? The man pulled back again and slammed inside, even harder. This time he knew he screamed, spit wetting the palm that pressed against his lips. God, no. He couldn’t do this. He started struggling but the arm around his waist held him prisoned. The man was too strong.

He held on to the railing for dear life as the man pounded into him. His feet hardly touched the ground as each thrust lifted him up. Sweat was running down his face, his neck, his back. He was whimpering into the man’s meaty hand, silently begging him to please oh please not so hard, not so fast, not so…

He wasn’t sure when it happened but soon he was pushing back. His whimpers had turned into grunts, his pleading into more, harder, yes, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!!

The man was panting hard, practically growling into his ear. The hand let go of his mouth, leaving it to loudly express his begging. The hand moved down and god, yes, spit-slick fingers wrapped around his cock and started fisting it violently.

“Yes, God. Oh God, oh God, oh God…” He bucked wildly and through the haze of his own release he felt the man grip his hips harder and the thrusting get quicker and even harder. Then there was a shudder and they were heaving for breath. When the man pulled his cock out he thought he would pass out from the sensation

Trembling hands pulled up his pants and fastened them. Then suddenly he was alone, hands still wrapped around the railing. Painfully he let go and sank down on the floor, not caring about it sticking to his pants. Looking up he saw a tall dark haired man disappear into the crowd.

Around him people laughed and danced like nothing had happened. And through it all the speakers bellowed...

“You get me closer to God…”


II:Tear Down My Reason

For the next two months Will went to the club every night, staying until the early hours of morning, desperately scanning the crowd for a tall, dark-haired… backside.

Fuck, he didn’t even know if that had really been him. All he knew was that he had to see him again. Had to touch him to know it had all been real. Never mind the bruises or the blood he’d still been wiping from his arse a day later, it still seemed like a dream. Or a nightmare, he wasn’t sure.

He couldn’t get what happened out of his head. It haunted him in his sleep and in his every. Fucking. Waking. Hour. He hadn’t been able to write at all, he slept all day and drank in this god-awful club all night. He knew he was obsessed but he didn’t care. He just… had to know.

He felt like shit. If his mysterious fuck-buddy indeed did turn up he most likely wouldn’t even look at him twice, except to frown at his sickly face and sunken eyes. It was all useless, a fucking hunt for a bad dream that he wasn’t even sure he wanted to relive.

Fuck this shit. Pissed off, he downed the drink then moved on to the dance floor, grinding his way through the writhing masses. Closing his eyes he let the place take over his senses. The air reeked of sweat, cologne, alcohol and sex. His clothes were getting drenched by tossed water, spilled drinks and perspiration, his body bruised by hard elbows and sometimes even harder cocks, thumping against him before moving on. No one stayed.

He didn’t care about that. Not anymore. He didn’t crave them, he craved him. And if he couldn’t have him he’d rather be alone. The money he’d gotten for his last story was running out fast and the magazine’s editor kept leaving messages on his machine, telling him to either give him something worth publishing or fuck off. He’d mumbled at the beeping machine that fuck off sounded brilliant. It didn’t answer.

An extra hard bump into his hip and a ‘Watch it, mate.’ made him open his eyes and then the world started spinning. Oh bugger.

Shoving his way through the crowd to the restrooms he pushed aside some guy that already had his dick out from the closest urinal and returned all the drinks he’d imbibed during the night. Wiping his mouth on his sleeve he breathed deeply, trying to calm his stomach. Bloody expensive drinks considering he’d only barely rented them. Standing up on shaky legs he washed his hands and face and rinsed his mouth with water. The taste on his tongue was foul, like a rat had crawled in there and died. Time to get the hell home. As soon as he was sure he could walk.

He rested his head against the cold tiles. Out of the corner of his eye he saw two guys kissing, grinding against each other like they were totally alone and not surrounded by horny queers who were pissing and laughing, groping a feel and eyeing the merchandise. Someone was moaning. Soon a grunt followed and one of the booths started shaking. Great. Just great. He closed his eyes again.

It was just a fuck, he kept telling himself. Just a stupid one-time fuck. The guy had forgotten about him before his dick went limp. He was probably pounding into someone else in some club across town right this minute. Whispering those same words with that same husky voice, pushing that lucky bugger against a wall, slamming into him with that bloody huge cock of his, splitting the eager arse open, making his selected victim scream in pain and pleasure.

Great, now he was all hard again.

“That looks painful. Want some help?”

The voice was seductive and slutty and far from the right one. He opened his eyes and glared at the little shit. No more than eighteen but he was licking his lips and his eyes had that certain look of dark need that you get when you’re high. Oh fuck, why not?

“You offering?”

The boy smiled. “That’s what I said, right? By the way, my name’s And…”

“Not gonna take you home to meet my mother, am I? If you wanna suck me, do it. Or get the fuck out of my face.”

Maybe he was hoping, deep inside, that the boy would take offence and leave but he only seemed more turned on. Guess he wasn’t the only one with a kink for submission. Curling his tongue the boy sank to his knees, expert hands popping the buttons on the strained jeans and finally freeing Will’s dick. He closed his eyes as the kid rolled on a condom and then started sucking away like a damn pro. Maybe he was. Well, he as sure wasn’t gonna pay him. The kid’s own damn fault for beginning to blow without negotiating the price.

It didn’t take him long. He kept his eyes closed and in his mind it was a dark haired brute of a man sucking him, big hands grabbing his arse, prying the cheeks apart, then stabbing a finger into his hole. Hard. Fast. Dry. So fucking deep.

With a grunt he came, fucking the boy’s mouth hard, hands fisted in the blond hair. When he opened his eyes, panting from the exertion, the kid was wiping his mouth, face flushed red and tears in his eyes. Not quite gotten the hang of deep-throating then. He felt a sting of guilt but it didn’t last long. The kid was already scanning for his next dick and blew him a kiss before walking over to a big leather clad biker, once again licking his lips in seduction. Just a kinky cocksucker then. To each their own, he thought as he pulled the wet condom of his limp dick and threw it in the trash. Probably gonna get the kid into some deep shit one day but he wasn’t his daddy. Not his problem.

When he got back out the music seemed too loud, the smoke too thick and his head was hurting like shit. Yeah, definitely time for bed. It was only a few blocks to his shitty apartment so he decided to walk, hoping the chilly air and the drizzle of rain would sober him up enough that he’d avoid the god of all hangovers again. Flipping up the collar on his jacket he shoved his hands into his pockets. He’d be wet as a dog when he finally got home but that was all right. A long hot shower and he would sleep all the better for it.

He considered himself a logical and cautious man in general. He looked both ways before crossing the street, he didn’t take candy from strangers unless they were too bloody delicious to be turned away and he always kept vigil when walking home alone on a dark night.

So when turning the key in the door he was suddenly being pushed inside and up against the hall wall, a fucking giant of a cock pressing into his arse, all he could really think of was ‘How?’ quickly followed by ‘Fuck, I’m being raped!’ Feeling wet fingers clawing at his clothes he desperately pushed against the intruder with all his strength, anger and fear making his voice shrill.

“Get the fuck off me! I’ll fucking scream until the whole house wakes up if you don’t…”

“Now is that any way to greet your lover?”

He froze. That voice. That voice had been haunting him for the last two months. “You?”

“Me. Gonna scream then? Lover?” There was a soft laugh in the dark.

Not your sodding… “No. What are you doing here?”

The man chuckled. “Thought that was pretty obvious.” He grinded his erection harder into Will’s arse and he couldn’t help gasping.

“You can’t… it’s been two fucking months, you bastard. And now you just…” The tongue licking his neck shut him up.

“You missed me. How sweet.” The man chuckled again and Will felt himself blush.

“Fuck you.”

“Really? You want that? You feel the need to take someone, make him yours, show him who’s the boss? Want to hear him scream as you rip him open? Beg as you fuck him like a dog?”

He faltered. “I’m not…”

“That’s right, you’re not. You don’t really want to be the fucker, you want to be fucked. Want to be the victim, the slave, the one begging and whimpering for mercy. Am I right?”

God, he was panting. Each word hit him right in the groin. It was true, all of it. He was used to being the one in charge, the one topping but this man… this tall dark shadow that was licking his neck and grinding his cock into his arse, making him whimper with need, this man made him want to fall to his knees and bow in submission. Made him want to beg for his touch, his cock, his attention. Made him want to suck in the punishment as he was being fucked into oblivion.

Dazed, he shook his head, trying to clear those sick and bad thoughts from his mind. The man was tugging at his wet jacket, finally getting it off his shoulders, then turned him around for better access to his pants. It was very dark inside, the hall only lit by the streetlights shining through the tinted window of the front door. It made the man’s face seem even more obscure, features hidden by treacherous shadows.

“The lights.” Will reached out for the switch but his wrist was grabbed by strong fingers and pinned to the wall.

“No. I like the dark.”

He tried to pull free but the grip was like a vice. “So I’ve noticed. Really think it’s fair that you know me, but I have no idea what you look like?”

The man snorted. “Who said anything about being fair? I like it better this way. Besides, maybe I’m ugly as fuck.”

“Maybe.” He growled. “Or maybe you’re just a coward.”

The back of his head hit the wall so hard he saw stars and for a moment he thought he might throw up again. The man was breathing heavily, gripping his throat hard and ruthless. “Maybe you just earned yourself some punishment. But you like being a bad boy, don’t you? You want to be punished, want to be shown your place. Isn’t that right, ‘boy’?”

“Not your bo…” The pain was even greater this time and he was heaving for breath when the fingers started squeezing his throat. “All right, all right! Yes.”

“Yes what?”

“Oh, you got to be joki…” The blow sent him to the floor sprawling. He should have felt angry or scared or humiliated. But instead he felt more turned on than ever. Slowly he pulled himself up to his feet and bowed his head. “Yes, sir.”

As the words left his mouth he felt right for the first time since that night two months ago. He didn’t know what would happen but he wanted it more than anything. The man stood still, his heavy breathing slowly calming down to normal. Then he leaned forward and kissed Will on the forehead. “Good boy.”

The words made him shiver. He wondered if this was how that kid had felt when he’d been fucking his throat raw, treating him like dirt. If it was he now understood better the look of bliss on the kid’s face. He imagined that was about how he looked now.

“Why don’t we get more comfortable? Where’s your apartment?”

He hesitated. His place was messy and probably stank of last night’s pizza and three months dirty laundry. “It’s down there. It’s a fucking rat hole though. I don’t know if…”

“I’m here to fuck you, not write an article for House and Garden. But if you prefer we can do it right here in the hall. Nice friendly neighbours you have?”

“Okay, okay. Just… I’m sorry for the mess, all right?” He fumbled for his keys then remembered they were in the pocket of his jacket, lying on the floor. Stumbling he reached for it, and with shaking hands got them out.

“Hurry up.”

‘I bloody well would if you weren’t practically humping my leg. It’s a bit distracting’, he thought, then added ‘sir’ even if it was just in his head.

Finally he got the door open and once again he was pushed inside, the door making a fatal clicking sound as it closed behind them. No turning back now. It was pitch dark inside, the thick curtains still covering the windows since his dreadful hangover this morning and he stumbled over the rug before hitting his leg on a chair. His guest seemed to have no trouble at all though, but moved around the small all-in-one-room apartment like it was bright as day.

“Strip.” The voice was casual, not even aimed his way. Will hesitated for a moment but then he started undressing slowly, the wet clothes clinging to his cold and damp skin. Finally he had only his jeans left, buttons still undone since earlier, and he was shyly aware of his vulnerability. Biting his lip he peeled them off and threw them aside, standing naked and shivering, goose bumps pricking his skin. He didn’t know what to do with his hands so he self-consciously hugged himself. At least in the dark the man wouldn’t see how bad he looked. He hadn’t been eating or sleeping and his body showed it. Ugly as fuck sounded just about right.

The man turned around and lazily took of his clothes. Then he walked over to the bed and sat down. “Down on your knees and suck me.”

He felt like in trance as he walked over and kneeled between the strong thighs. The air in front of him smelled of musk and warm skin. He leaned forward until his chin hit the hard swaying cock. Then he reached out his tongue and licked.

He only managed a few salty tastes before hands were gripping his hair and the fucking huge cock was being forced down his throat, making him gag, black spots dancing in front of his eyes.

“I said suck, don’t lick like a fucking kitten.” The hands released him and he heaved for breath before bowing his head again. “Sorry, sir. I only wanted to…”

“Suck.”

Obedient, he let the throbbing cock slide in between his lips and in as far as he could. He worked on it like he’d never done before, sucking and deep throating and swallowing it down until he was pulled off so hard he fell over.

“That’s enough.” The man was panting but his voice was steady. Then he stood up, looming over Will like a gigantic shadow. “On the bed. Now.”

He scrambled to his feet and crawled up on the bed, panicking when he realised he didn’t know which way to turn.

“Your knees. Now. Don’t let me ask you twice.”

Ask? That’s a laugh. Suddenly he felt a manic giggle threatening to break through. He was so damn turned on but he remembered what it had felt like being breeched by that monster of a cock and the muscles in his arse were clenching already in fright. It was going to hurt so much and here he was, practically begging to be raped. It all seemed so bizarre, he wondered if he was going mad.

When the man grabbed his arse what was about to happen finally hit home. He wasn’t ready, he couldn’t… Not one damn fuck in two months and now this? And he wasn’t a bottom in general anyway and he’d never had anything close to the cock now sliding between his sweat-drenched buttocks except for that night. “Please, sir. I…”

The man leaned over and licked his neck, then bit lightly into his shoulder. “It will be easier this time. Trust me. Just relax.” The slick finger prodding at his entrance made him jump. Then it pushed inside slowly. This he could handle, even if the man’s fingers were in proportion to the rest of him, thick and long. He pushed back against it, moaning his appreciation. When it was pulled out and two came in its place he tensed slightly but it still felt too good and soon he was fucking himself on them, grunting and chanting ‘Yes, yes’ and ‘Please, sir, please’.

“Like that, do you? Such a slut. Such a pretty little whore. You want more, boy?”

He shuddered. Did he? The fingers brushed his prostate. “Yes! Please. More, sir.”

Three fingers and he pushed his face into the pillows to muffle the scream. A fist tugged at his hair, pulling him up so his neck was stretched back. “Keep still. I want to hear your screams, boy. Scream for me.” The fingers jabbed inside him again and this time he screamed his agony into the dark. “Oh yeah. Just like that.” The man grunted and grinded his hard cock against the trembling backside. “Want this? Want me to fuck you now? Say it!”

However huge it was it wasn’t as thick as three sausage fingers. “Yes! Sir! Please, sir! I want you to fuck me. Please, sir!”

“That’s what I want to hear. Such a good boy.” The painful pressure disappeared from his hole, leaving him empty and alone. Then slick fingers were digging into his hips and something blunt was pressing into his stretched entrance. His head started spinning and he thought his heart would jump out of his chest. Oh God. Ohgodohgodohgod…

“Easy. Relax. Daddy’s not gonna hurt you.” The man chuckled when his words brought on gasps and even more shivering. “Not much anyway.” And he slammed his cock inside.

When Will came to he was lying face down on the bed, his arse throbbing with pain, his throat raw. He coughed. “Are we… is it over?” The laughter chilled his bones and when he tried to move he realised he was pinned down, or more accurately staked to the bed by the huge cock still in his arse.

“Now what fun would that be, fucking you when you’re unconscious? Which by the way is very rude, passing out like that. I think you deserve some punishment.”

Oh God. He felt helpless as the man pulled him up to his knees, whimpering when the hardening cock swelled again inside him. He could hardly hold himself up, his arms and legs were trembling so hard but as he looked down he saw his own cock swaying fully erect in the shadows between his thighs. Kinky bastard.

The first blow took him totally by surprise. He didn’t even have time to object before the man was spanking him with the palm of his huge hand, again and again until he wanted to cry from the pain. Or quite possibly come because his cock had never been so hard. Each blow made him whimper but suddenly he was pushing back against the hand, wanting it harder and faster. Shocked he heard his own voice crying, “Please, daddy, please. More. I need more.”

“Never enough, is it? Oh, I’m gonna have such fun with you, my boy. Daddy’s gonna teach you so many things.” Smack. Smack. “Want me to fuck you now? Are you going to behave?”

He didn’t know what the right answer was. Did behaving mean more or less punishment? Would being bad earn him more pleasures than being good? “I’ll try, daddy. Please, fuck me.”

His voice was hardly above a whisper but the answer seemed to satisfy the man. Once again gripping him by the hips he pulled the cock out until only the tip remained inside. There he paused for a moment before slamming back inside with just as much force as last time. This time Will managed to remain conscious but his screams pierced through the darkness. God, it hurt. It hurt so much he wished he had passed out. How could he ever think he wanted this? He was totally at this monster’s mercy but mercy was obviously not in his vocabulary. Tears started to run down his face.

“Please… It’s too much. Please don’t. Pleasepleasepleaseplease…”

“Sshh. You can take it. Don’t you want to be good for me? You don’t want to make daddy angry, do you?”

“No… please don’t be angry. I want to be good but it’s too big. I can’t…”

“Yes, you can. Remember last time? It only hurt at first and then it was so good. You loved it, my little whore. You begged me for more, remember?”

The cock pulled out again. Hands held him tight. Then bam! Again and again, harder and faster. It went much deeper in this position than at the club or maybe his memory had just blocked out the worst parts.

It felt like it was going on forever. His throat hurt so much his screams were reduced to hoarse whimpers. He could feel something running down the inside of his thighs and he didn’t need light to tell him it was blood. Were they using a condom? He couldn’t remember. His whole world was filled with pain and fear and then the man shifted and suddenly there it was.

The world exploded into stars before his eyes. He threw his head back as waves of pleasure went through his body. The pain was forgotten, so was the fear. When it hit again he howled ‘Yes!’ and through the haze in his mind he could hear the man growling. “Oh yeah. That’s it. That’s it. Can you feel it? Can you fucking feel it?”

“Yes! God, yes!” He gasped and moaned, bucking and writhing like a beast. He wanted more, wanted it so much he didn’t care if it killed him. “Please, sir. Daddy. Please, yes!”

“Yeah. Beg, you whore.” Slam. “Such a tight little slut.” Slam. “Like fucking a virgin.” Slam. “Not a virgin, are you boy?”

“No. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He was babbling but he didn’t care. He didn’t want the man to be angry with him.

“All right. But from now on no one touches you but me.” Slam. “Understood?”

“Yes. No one but you. I promise. I promise.”

The pounding continued. He thought he was going to die from too much pleasure. He pushed back, clenched his muscles, whimpered and pleaded. It never seemed enough. Then he was pulled up by the hair, his hands placed on the headboard and his cock grabbed hard by a large slick hand. When the man growled ‘Come!’ and bit him hard in the shoulder his screams echoed in the dark room.

Through the waves of pleasure he felt the man tense behind him and with a few even rougher thrusts he was coming hard. Only when he was sure the man was done did Will dare to give in and sink down into the mattress, his shaking limbs reduced to jello. The man followed his moves and covered him like a very heavy blanket, pressing the air out of him. Possessing him.

They lay still, panting heavily for a long time. Then, as the high from the orgasm drained away, the painful reality came back to him. Unable to control himself he started sobbing into the pillows. Even when the weight was lifted from him and the cock slid out, making him shudder with even more pain, he didn’t lift his head. He felt humiliated and broken. He didn’t know who he was anymore. Had he really allowed this to happen? Or was ‘allowed’ the right word? Had he been that willing or just been tricked to think he was? The pain, the feeling of utter helplessness and revulsion, it didn’t seem right. This wasn’t what he had wanted. It couldn’t have been. Because if this was his innermost desire, what did that make him?

The warmth from the damp cloth surprised him. It swept across his buttocks, between his thighs and in between his cheeks. He flinched as it touched torn tissue but he didn’t move away. He couldn’t stop sobbing, his shoulders shook and his head was starting to hurt.

“Do you want me to go?”

The voice was soft and tinted with regret. He didn’t answer, didn’t know what to say.

“Look, I’m sorry. I got carried away. I didn’t mean to hurt you this much. I…” The man paused, seeming at loss for words. “I thought you wanted it, thought I recognised that hunger in your eyes….”

Will swallowed. “You were right. But…” He tried to roll over but the pain made him curl up, and he hid his face in his hands.

“I was too rough. I know. I just… I didn’t mean to, okay? You… you have this effect on me. I turn into an animal. Worse than usual. Fuck.”

He didn’t answer. The silence was deafening. He tried to breathe through the pain, fists clenched, muscles trembling.

“You want to report me?”

The question shocked him. He opened his eyes and stared up at the shadow. “Report who? I have no idea who you are. You stalk me, then break into my home and damn near rape me. Again. I should report you, you’re right. Except I did let you in, I stripped like a nice little whore and then I begged you to fuck me until I cried like a girl. ‘Yes, officer. I got fucked hard by a stranger. Please arrest him for making my arse bleed.’ They would just love that.”

He spit out the words, his humiliation making him angry with himself just as much as the stranger. He had let this happen. And by God, just thinking about it made him want it again. What the hell was wrong with him? He sat up and slowly got to his feet. “I need a shower. I’d appreciate it if you’d stick around to make sure I didn’t pass out. Again. Then you can go.”

When he reached the bathroom he turned on the lights but he didn’t look back or glance in the mirror. He’d rather the man was The Stranger. He didn’t want to know what he looked like anymore. He cried silently as the hot water poured over him, feeling sick as it swirled down the drain, coloured fresh pink. He didn’t smell the distinct aroma of semen though. Guess they had been using a condom. Well, at least that was one worry out of the way, he thought bitterly. Now he just had to deal with the rest of his fucked up life.

As he was carefully drying his bruised body he heard the door click shut. He stumbled out into the room, clutching the towel. The soft light by the bed cast a yellow shade over the room. The place was clean and tidy, the bed sheets changed and on his bedside table was a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers. Suddenly all the rage was drained out of him and he sank down on the bed.

He had never felt so alone in his life.

The pills hurt his raw throat, the water only slightly soothing it. He lay cautiously down and pulled the covers over his naked, bruised body. Twenty minutes later as the pills finally started to take effect he drifted off to sleep.

All through the night he dreamt of eyes he’d never seen, crying a name he didn’t know.

Longing for lips he’d never kissed.


III: I Broke Apart My Insides

Walking through the crowd of go-getters. Everyone hurrying along to their respective jobs and appointments, talking on cell phones, waving for cabs, cursing all the other people getting in their way. He held the bag with his laptop close to his side, eyes shifting back and forth, heart beating in his chest. Breathe, breathe.

Going down the steps to the tube was another ordeal. The broken light flickering kept prodding his memory for things he didn’t want to think of, the heat from the mass of people rushing toward their destination, elbows jabbing his sides, the smell of too many bodies cramped into the small space attacking his nostrils; he wanted to curl up on the floor and cry. Breathe, breathe.

Somehow he managed to get on the right train and held on for dear life as he bumped back and forth. A tall man was standing right behind him, he could feel him breathing down his neck and for a moment he closed his eyes, shifting to another time, another place. When he was someone else. Breathe, breathe.

The ‘Scuse me’ woke him up from his nightmare and he shuffled to let people getting off pass. Even more passengers quickly replaced them and he felt like he was suffocating. Only two more stops. Two more stops. Someone brushed against his arse and he stiffened. Breathe, breathe.

He could feel panic welling up inside him, his head felt dizzy and his sweaty hand kept slipping off the pole. Another stop. Ten off, twenty on. The breathing on his neck started again, a man two feet away was staring at him, that girl was talking to her friends, laughing. Was she laughing at him? Was she? God, he had to get off. Breathe, breathe.

When the train finally arrived at his station he pushed toward the doors, wanting to scream when he missed the bunch getting off and got caught in the flood of people trying to board. He was going to get trapped inside this tiny metallic vessel, be stuck in here forever with all these people pressing against him, staring at him, breathing in all the air. Suddenly someone stepped aside and he squeezed through, jumping onto the platform. Breathe, breathe.

He took a short moment to calm down before hurrying toward the exit. Choosing the steps over the crowded escalator he took them two at a time, arriving at the top, sweating and out of breath. Then he continued out in the street. The polluted London air smelled fresh and cool compared to the stuffy tube. Here the crowd was a little thinner but it still made him feel uncomfortable. Only two blocks and he’d be there. Breathe, breathe.

Finally he arrived at the tall industrial building. Glass and stone. Cold and cruel. He walked swiftly across the lobby, nodding to the girl at the desk who seemed to recognise him despite his long absence. Pressing the button for the lift he watched the lighted numbers descend until the G was lighted and with a ‘ping’ and a ‘swosh’ the door opened. He stepped inside, already feeling the tight space pressing in on him. The doors closed and the cart started to move upwards. Ten floors. Breathe, breathe.

When the longed for ‘ping’ and ‘swosh’ was once again heard he was already a sweaty nervous wreck. Being the opposite of crowded the lift should have made him feel more comfortable but instead it had his heart beating faster than ever. In his mind there was a ‘clonk’ and then the lights went out and he would be trapped in the dark with his mind free to play its tricks on him. Darkness. The only thing he hated more than crowds. Quickly he stepped out on the carpeted floor. He was there. Standing still he could feel his whole body unclench, his breathing get back to normal, his heart slow down. Safe.

“Hi, Will. Haven’t seen you in ages. Where’ve you been?” The chirpy voice woke him out of his trance and he turned toward the smiling girl, forcing his own lips to curl up into the smirk he knew she expected.

“Willow. Hi. Been busy. You know how it is.” Realising he was still clutching the laptop to his side like a lunatic he let go of the bag and let it hang freely from the strap across his body. When he glanced back at her she was watching him wearily. He smiled again. “Someone tried to snatch it on the tube.”

She nodded in sympathy. “God, I know. Such bastards out there. Couldn’t live without my iBook, I’d go insane if something happened to it. Not that I’m saying you’re insane.” She blushed and he just knew that’s what she’d been thinking. The smile was frozen on his face and he wished she would go away. Instead she was staring at him. “You sure you’re all right?”

“Yes, yes. Fine. Absolutely fine. Just a bit jumpy, you know. Close call and all.” Now get out of here before I start screaming.

“Ok. Listen, this week’s pub is The King’s Head. We’d love for you to join us. Like I say, it’s been forever.”

Four months, three weeks to be exact, but who’s counting? He shook his head but kept the smile on. No need insulting old colleges. “Wish I could, but…” He left the sentence hanging, allowing her to fill it up with whatever excuse she saw fitting.

“Yeah, I know.” She rolled here eyes. “It’s a bitch.”

He smiled and nodded to whatever ‘it’ was. “Yeah. Anyway, I really have to…” He shifted his eyes to the editor’s office down the hall and she thankfully took the hint and backed off. “Nice seeing you.”

“Yeah, Will. You too. Don’t be a stranger, we all miss you.” She smiled and he watched her walk back to her cubicle, wondering what she would say about him at tonight’s drinking. Clenching his jaw he pushed the thought out of his head and headed towards Rupert’s office.

As he was about to knock on the closed door marked Rupert Giles, ed. he glanced through the glass and stopped with his fist inches from the door. Someone was sitting on the sofa on the other side of the small room. A tall man, dark hair, face hid behind the plastic fern. Nervously he glanced at his watch but he was right on time. Maybe a previous meeting had run late. He fidgeted outside the door, not sure what to do.

Rupert had told him that either he got his arse over here or any hope he had of ever getting anything published again would end. He had been lenient, he’d said, knowing Will was dealing with some personal shit he didn’t really want to know about but this was it. No more second chances. Or third or fourth or whatever number he was at after all this time. Reluctantly Will had agreed. He didn’t know what the assignment was although he assumed it was some dreadful amateur play or, even worse, a dog fair. He knew he deserved it after all the shit he’d pulled the last months. After all, how do you explain going from being the open, ready-for-anything guy to a hermit over night?

Suddenly the door swung open and he found himself face to face with his boss who was smiling although his eyes were shooting daggers. “Will! Finally!” He leaned in. “Don’t fuck this up or I’ll make sure you’ll never work at another magazine again!” The threat was hissed out between clenched teeth, the freaky smile never leaving his face. Oddly enough it calmed Will down. This he knew how to handle. This was old territory, a battle fought and won many times.

“Relax,” he mouthed before raising his voice and adding cheerfully. “Missed you too, old man. You don’t call, you don’t write…What’s a bloke supposed to think?” Giles glared at him, both of them knowing well he’d been harassing Will almost daily for months.

“Now, now, none of that. Will, I like you to meet Liam. He’ll be your photographer on the trip. Liam O’Donnell, William Ackroyd. Will, Liam.”

Will turned toward the sofa only to stop short. The man was staring at him, looking flushed and in shock. Trying to hide his confusion Will offered his hand. “Nice to meet you, Liam.”

The man’s gaze went from Will’s face and down to his hand, seemed to shift quickly a bit further down before swallowing and standing up. Involuntarily Will took a step back. That tall muscular frame…

“You too. William.”

Time seemed to freeze. That voice. It couldn’t be… His heart was beating faster and faster and he could feel his head starting to spin. He stepped back until he bumped into Giles who cursed and then grabbed his arm when he lost his balance.

“What’s wrong with you? Stop being a ponce and …”

Giles’ whispers drowned in the screaming inside Will’s head. He was still staring at Liam, who stared back, a mixture of panic and shame playing on his face. Then he turned around and ran out of the office, only just managing to reach the restrooms and throwing open a toilet before vomiting his late lunch. Heaving for breath he heard Rupert’s curses coming closer but before he reached the door someone stopped him and there were muffled voices whispering outside. Then everything went quiet.

Will pulled himself up, flushed the toilet, closed the lid and sat down, wiping his mouth on a piece of toilet paper. Then he reached out and closed the booth, turning the lock with trembling fingers. His thoughts were too loud for him to hear, all he could register was the need to get away. To run as fast and far away as he could. Except the thing he was running from was right outside the door. He wanted to cry.

The click of the door made him freeze and he held his breath in fear. Please go away. Please, please.

“William? It’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m not gonna do anything, okay?”

Like a child he drew up his feet. Maybe if Liam didn’t see them he wouldn’t know where he was. Of course there only were two booths in here…

“William… is it okay if I call you William?” When he got no answer he continued. “I… I didn’t know it was you. I swear. I never would have…” The voice trailed off and the silence vibrated in the small room. Then the thin door to the booth shook slightly and Will jumped until he realised it wasn’t opening but it seemed like Liam was leaning against it. When the voice started again it was so low he could hardly hear the words.

“God, I’m so sorry. So very, very sorry. I know they’re only words but they’re all I have. I wish I could turn back time but I can’t. I just want you to know… I never even realised what I’d really done until I saw your face just now.” The voice stopped, replaced by deep breathing. Will started to feel sick again.

“He told me, Giles, he told me you had been… depressed for a long time. Am I right in assuming I caused that?” Again Will didn’t answer him. “God, I’m so very sorry. I acted like a… Shit, I am a fucking rapist.” The voice broke off and Will thought he could hear a subdued sob. Then Liam cleared his throat and continued. “The offer still stands. If you want to report me I’ll go down there with you and…” The words hung in the air, fear dripping off them.

Will lowered his feet to the floor then stood slowly up. His hand trembled as he unlocked the door. He had been right in his assumption because Liam slightly lost his balance as the door that his forehead had been resting against swung in. Quickly he stepped back. His eyes were red and wet and his hands were clenched into tight fists by his sides.

They stood and watched each other in silence.

“Somehow I had imagined you bigger.” Will’s voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat. “Not that you’re short, I just…” He swallowed then gave a cold laugh. “I imagined you were a monster.”

“I am.” It wasn’t an excuse or a plea for mercy. Just a statement. It made Will wince.

“Look, I’m not gonna report you, I already told you that. I should but I… I really don’t need more humiliation added to my life.” He closed his eyes, his own screams of ‘Please, sir. Daddy. Please, yes!’ echoing in his head. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”

“You blame yourself.” Again a statement. Will didn’t answer, didn’t even open his eyes. “Don’t. You said no. I should have stopped.”

“I also remember saying yes.” And ‘please’ and ‘more’ and… He shivered.

“It doesn’t matter. I was out of control. I didn’t care, I just wanted to take you as hard as…” Liam stopped. “It was rape. I raped you.” His breath hitched. “God, I raped you.”

Will felt him move away and he opened his eyes. Liam looked like he was going to be sick. He was trembling, hands clutching one of the sinks.

Will blinked. “You really didn’t know.”

Liam shook his head slowly. “No. I just… I knew I had treated you badly, been too rough. I didn’t realise…”

He suddenly went green and Will quickly stepped aside as Liam ran into the booth and flicked open the lid. The sounds of heaving made him flinch. Walking over to the sink he turned on the water and waited for it to turn cold before splashing his face. Then he leaned over and swallowed a few sips of water before turning it off again. When he turned around Liam was standing in front of the booth, face ashen, hands trembling.

“Look, let’s just forget about it. Whatever you say I was to blame as well. I could have stopped you. I didn’t.” He didn’t say why. He wasn’t sure he knew. He’d been scared but that wasn’t the only reason. And he really didn’t want to explore that thought further. “We better get back or old Rupe will think…” He stopped and blushed, angry at his own careless words.

“Yeah. I’ll tell him the deal is off. I’ll make something up.”

At the same time they reached for the door. As their hands touched Will froze, the contact like a sting of electricity on his skin. They stood still, side by side, neither daring to move. Then Will stepped back.

“You go ahead. Tell him I ate some bad sushi. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Liam looked at him then nodded and went out the door. As it closed behind him Will sank down to the floor. Fuck. The back of his head banged the wall in frustration. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He could still feel the heat from Liam’s fingers on his skin. Slowly he brought the hand up to his lips then covered his face as it crumpled. A muffled sob escaped.

When he’d counted to one hundred his trembling had subsided and unsteadily he got to his feet, taking a few extra deep breaths before opening the door. He could hear voices from Giles’ office and if he could have reached the lift without passing them he would have run away. As it was he forced himself to go and join them.

“There you are. Bad sushi, eh?” Giles’ look told him he wasn’t buying it but hopefully he was as usual putting it down as too much booze or drugs last night. “Feeling better now?”

Will nodded, then reached for the laptop that he had dropped earlier. Thankfully it was well preserved inside its padded bag.

“Good, good. Liam was trying to tell me he couldn’t do the work but I managed to convince him otherwise.”

Will’s head snapped up and he stared at Liam who was avoiding his eyes. Angry, he turned to Rupert. “Look, ‘boss’. If the man says he can’t…”

“It’s not your problem, Will, is it?” Will tried to glare back but the piercing stare won over. “Good. Now, I want you to write about this incident just outside Glasgow. Gay bashing. Just your sort of thing.” If he noticed Will recoil he ignored it. “The funeral is at noon tomorrow. I don’t care how you get there just be on time. Pictures of the grieving lover would be your job, among other things.” This last sentence was directed at Liam who was looking very uncomfortable to say the least.

Will stepped back. “I don’t do that sort of thing. I do the arts; you know that. Exhibitions, music, theatre…”

“And I bet there will be some drama there tomorrow. A grand show of queens. Like I said, just your thing.” When Will opened his mouth to protest Giles’ face hardened. “Last chance, Will. And I’m not bluffing. Take it or leave it.”

Holding his stare for a minute or two Will knew he had lost. He was utterly and totally broke. He hadn’t worked for months and he owed both rent and other bills. He was actually surprised they hadn’t cut the power or water off his flat yet. With a last glare he relented with a nod.

“Good, good. You two talk then and I’ll expect you back with the story on Monday. And pictures.” He nodded toward Liam who smiled weakly and then they shook hands. Will didn’t bother, just turned around and walked out.

The lift was just closing when Liam squeezed in. Will involuntarily took a step backwards, bumping into the mirrored wall behind him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Look, I’m sorry. I tried. I told him I just remembered a prior arrangement. He didn’t buy it. He said he knew this had something to do with you and threatened to fire you if I…” Liam swallowed. “It’s okay. We don’t need to go together. We can take different trains…”

“I don’t do trains.” Too many people. Too dark at nights. Distorted reflections in the giant windows.

“What? Ok…” Liam faltered. “Plane then. I don’t mind, he’s paying, right?”

“I don’t do planes either.” Metal prisons. Breathe, breathe.

“Ok, ok.” Liam held up his hands. “You drive then and I’ll…”

“I don’t have a car.” The panic was welling up in him.

“You don’t…? Ok. I have one. I suppose I could lend it to you. Except it’s only insured for me and…”

“I can’t drive. I mean…I have no licence.” Drunken drugged up fuckhead. Lucky he didn’t kill anyone. The air was starting to feel thin. He punched the button again and again. Liam was watching him wearily, making him sweat profusely.

“Ok. Then we’re stuck. Except if you want to ride with me. I understand if you don’t want to…” Will’s short panicky laughter made him flinch. “Of course you don’t. How about…” He bit his lip. “Sorry, I have nothing. Tell me what you want to do.”

Will kept his eyes on the numbers, fighting the panic. 5. 4. “I want to go home and drink. That would be absolutely bloody brilliant. Except I have to be in fucking Glasgow in eighteen hours. So yeah, your car it is.” If he was ever going to crash or suffocate in a lift this would be the perfect timing.

“Ok. I’ll pick you up at your place…” He cringed. “You still live there?”

“Yeah. Still.” He didn’t mention the glass of water that he’d never removed from the bedside table, the contents by now dried up grey lines twirling on the bottom. He didn’t really know why. The lift came to a stop and he hurried out as soon as the doors opened. The lobby had never looked so good. He smiled at the girl behind the desk. She smiled back uncertainly. Did it show? Could she see him?

He turned to Liam, keeping his eyes on a spot right beside his ear. “Pick me up in an hour. I’d rather get going than having to get up in the middle of the night. We can always take a quick nap when we get there.” Far, far away from each other. Different hotels would be nice.

“Sure. And since I’ll be driving you can nod off in the car. If you want.” ‘If you trust me enough to do that’ were the unspoken words.

“Sure. Whatever.” Not bloody likely.

They parted with a nod, Liam walking to his car, Will heading for another tube nightmare.


IV: The Hate That It Brings

He’d been sitting nervously on the bed waiting for twenty minutes, a rapidly emptying bottle in his hand, when the doorbell rang. Taking the last swig he kicked the empty bottle under the bed, clutched the laptop under his arm and grabbed the over-night bag. When he opened the door the big dark form hidden in the shadows made him step back.

“Sorry. I’ll… The car is around the corner. I couldn’t get any parking here. Lots of cars, you know. Many people that live here. Or work. Or just, you know, park.” Liam stopped, realising he was babbling. “That’s all you’ve got?” He pointed to the bag.

“That’s all I need.”

“Right. Right. Just one night. Or, you know, two.” At Will’s startled look he added, “Got to get back again somehow. Don’t wanna get stuck in Scotland, right? Too… Scottish.” He coughed.

Despite his face being veiled by the dark Will could tell he was blushing. And somehow he couldn’t help the small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Only for a second but it was enough to startle him. He wasn’t going to like this man. It didn’t matter how he behaved now, he was still… Breathe, breathe.

“Here we are. At my car that is. You want to ride in the back?” To be as far away from me as possible was what he meant.

Will hesitated but then shook his head. “I get carsick.”

Liam nodded. “Not much for travelling at all, are you? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And, you know, if you need to…” He made a hurling motion with his hand. “… then just holler and I’ll pull over.”

Will glared at him indignantly. “Only get carsick when I ride in the back, all right? And I actually like driving. Not that it’s any of your business.”

He opened the door to the passenger seat, flung his bag in the back and sat down with the laptop between his legs. Liam was still blabbering on as he went around the car and got in. “… but anytime you wanna stop just…”

Will cut him off. “Can we get going? I want this over with as quickly as possible.” He could feel heat radiating from the man sitting too close to him. An involuntary shiver ran through him. He turned away in denial, staring out into the darkness.

“Of course. Absolutely. No problem.” The car started with a wroom and after fighting with the gears Liam finally managed to put them right and off they went.

Making it out of London took over an hour. The usual heavy traffic wasn’t helped by an accident on St. Johns Wood. By the time they were out on M1 Will’s head was aching. Tired he closed his eyes.

Three hours later a sharp swing startled him awake. The blaring honk of a lorry was being swallowed by the dark and Liam was staring at the road in shock. Will, rubbed his eyes. “What happened?”

“What?” Liam looked at him, then the road, then back at him and at the road again, eyes wide. “I think I fell asleep.”

“What!?!”

“I was driving and it was dark and then suddenly I was teaching my puppy how to sit. And then he barked and barked and I realised it wasn’t a bark and I opened my eyes and these fucking bright lights were heading right at us.” His voice shook. “It’s all right. It didn’t hit us.”

Will glared at him. “Well, obviously. Or we be dead, wouldn’t we? You fucking fell asleep at the wheel? What the bloody hell is wrong with you?”

“I’m tired, all right! I haven’t slept in two days because I was in America and I flew over here and was trying to minimize the jet lag by not sleeping until it was actually night and then suddenly I have to drive all the fucking way to fucking Glasgow so stop fucking yelling at me!” Liam was still staring at the road ahead, breathing heavily, white knuckles gripping the wheel.

“Ok, ok. Calm down. You need sleep, right? I’d drive except I shouldn’t and well, I haven’t been sleeping well either. And I’m probably still drunk.” He rubbed his eyes again. “Motel?”

“Ok. We’re more than half the way anyway so…”

“Good. Look, there it says two miles to the nearest B&B. It’s only 11 so it should still be open.”

They drove in silence. As they pulled into the parking lot Will reached back for his bag, accidentally bumping his shoulder into Liam’s arm as he straightened up again. He looked up to find Liam’s face inches from his own. He froze. The longer they stared the darker Liam’s eyes became and Will felt his heartbeat quicken. Something in his stomach fluttered.

Liam blinked. The spell broke and Will shied away.

“Only getting my wallet from the glove department.” Liam waved it apologetically but Will was already out of the car, walking swiftly toward the lit entrance. The woman behind the desk was watching the telly, a cigarette in one hand, a drink in the other. She smiled at Will but then she spotted Liam trailing in behind him and frowned. “Only got one room, lads.” Then she smirked and winked. “Not that you’d mind I guess.”

Will glared at her. “You guessed wrong. How far to the next stop?”

She sipped her drink. “Well, there’s Birdie’s place a few miles away but I just got of the phone with her, we’re old schoolmates you know, and she’s all full. Next one is…” She frowned “... ‘bout an hour from here. If you drive fast.” She looked up at them. “You don’t look like you could last another hour. Fall asleep at the wheel, did you, luv?” She chuckled when Liam looked up startled. “Not the first one to come in here late at night with that look on your face. Just be glad you woke up. Some never do.”

“All right, all right. He’ll take the room. I’ll sleep in the car.”

Will turned to the door but Liam grabbed his arm then let go of it like it burned him. “Sorry. I just… You can’t sleep in the car. It’s fucking freezing outside. I’ll find you all frozen dead in the morning.”

“I’ll take the blanket from the room. I’ll be all right.”

“No. If anyone’s sleeping in the car it should be me. After all I’m the one…” He didn’t finish.

“You’re not dragging my blanket out into your car.” The high-pitched voice made them turn. Yawning she stubbed out her fag. “The room’s got a double bed. You sleep on one side, he on the other.”

Will glared at her, then turned back to Liam. “I’ll sleep in the chair…”

“The room doesn’t have a chair.” She was watching them with great amusement.

He rolled his eyes. “All right, I’ll sleep on the fucking floor then.”

“Linoleum floor. No rug.” She grinned.

“Jesus! Just give us the keys, woman.”

She dangled them from her nicotine stained fingers and he snatched them angrily away from her. Liam followed him meekly up the stairs. Will’s hands were trembling as he fumbled with the lock but finally they got inside. The carpet was stained and the light flickered. The bedding was clean though and the bathroom smelled of chloride. The bed was huge. She probably threw rose petals on it and called the room the Bridal Suite when needed.

“Don’t even think about sleeping naked.” Will threw his bag on the right side of the bed. Liam opened his mouth then closed it again. He waited patiently as Will closed the bathroom door behind him, still standing in the same spot when he emerged five minutes later in boxers and a t-shirt, smelling of Colgate. Will was already under the heavy duvet lying on his side on the edge of the bed, eyes closed tight when Liam came out of the bathroom.

When he flipped the switch the bulb went pop. Will froze as the old fear crept in on him. Shit. A few tries confirmed it was dead. Liam tried the small bedside lamp but it was dead as well. Sighing he turned to the door to inform their lovely landlady when Will said, “Leave it.”

“What?”

Liam turned to him, quizzically, and Will tugged the duvet tighter to his chest. You can do this, stop being such a girl, you ponce. “Just… pull away the curtains and go to sleep, all right?” He lay still as Liam walked around the bed and pulled the curtains aside to allow the faint streetlight to shine in. His heart quickened as the bed dipped and the single duvet was tugged at. Then they lay in complete silence. He was actually drifting off to sleep when Liam’s subdued voice startled him.

“About what happened…”

He stiffened. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know, it’s just… I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.”

Incredulous he turned. “You’re too bloody right it won’t! You’re not getting near my arse. You’re not getting near my anything!”

“But I…”

“No! I don’t know what you think happened in the parking lot just now. I’m tired and pissed and I haven’t had a single date since… Just stay the fuck away from me, all right?” He turned his back to Liam again.

The silence was deafening. Then Liam coughed. “I was talking about me falling asleep at the wheel.”

Will blinked. “Oh.”

“But you’re right about it all. I wouldn’t dream off…” He paused. “What happened in the parking lot?”

Will closed his eyes and sighed. “Nothing. Go to sleep.”

“Oh, ok. Good night.”

Will didn’t answer.

~~~~~~~

He was in the middle of a familiar nightmare involving blood and crying when he woke up to someone shaking him. Panicking he flailed around, hitting the intruder again and again. Then he realised where and with whom he was and stilled. Liam was groaning beside him.

“Sorry.”

“’S awrighd.”

The voice was nasal and Will grimaced. “I hit your nose?”

“Yeah. Dod woddy aboud id.” Liam got up and went into the bathroom. The bright light when turned on hurt Will’s eyes. He swallowed, still shaky from the nightmare.

“You just startled me, that’s all. I didn’t mean to…”

“Mby faud. The ndightmbe.” Liam let go of his nose, wiped it a few more times then flushed the bloody toilet paper. When he came back in the light made him look huge in the bathroom doorway and Will shrank involuntarily back.

“Look, it’s all right. I’ll go…” Liam stopped, knowing there was nowhere he could go. He bowed his head, guilt written upon his face.

“If you went, which you can’t anyway, I’d still have nightmares. But if you’re here you can wake me up before they get too bad.”

Liam bit his lip. “They get worse?”

“Yes.”

Liam flipped the light off then walked over to his side of the bed and sat down heavily. “God, I’m so very sorry. I had no idea…”

“Forget it.”

“No, I can’t. It’s all my fault.”

“No.” Will paused. When he continued his voice was trembling. “It’s not all your fault. I told you, I could have stopped you and…” He closed his eyes in shame. “I’ve had worse, all right? A long time ago. You just sort of brought that all back.”

“Oh.” Liam glanced over at him. “How long ago?”

“About fifteen years.”

“But you’re only…” Liam drew in a sharp breath. “Oh shit. Oh God. I’m so sorry.” Will felt him shift beside him and for a moment he though he might be reaching out for him but the touch never came. He wasn’t sure how that made him feel. “Who was it?”

“Daddy dearest.” The sarcasm fell flat, and he squeezed his eyes tighter trying to blot out the terrified voice in his head. ‘Please, daddy! Please!’ He could hear Liam hitch his breath and his face flushed red with shame. “He was very drunk and high on speed so it went far beyond the usual petting and licking. I nearly bled out. Woke up in the hospital a day later and he was gone. My mum never forgave me. I never understood why cos I didn’t remember what had happened, I’d suppressed it all, locked it away in some dark room in my mind. Then you came…”

He opened his eyes, blinking at Liam’s dark form that was shadowed by the yellow streetlight. “The night after… what happened, I woke up screaming from this horrible nightmare and then I realised it wasn’t a dream, they were memories coming back.” He closed his eyes again. “And it doesn’t matter how much I drink they refuse to go away.” Why on God’s green earth was he telling him this?

“Jesus.” The voice shivered. “Oh God. I’m so very sorry.”

Will shook his head, irritated. “Will you stop saying that! You’re like a bloody broken record.”

“I’m so…” Liam paused. “I don’ know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything. Go back to sleep.” Will turned over on his side, facing the wall. He lay still, listening to Liam slide under the duvet. Their breathing echoed in the dark room.

“I have no story.” Liam’s voice sounded hesitant. “Not that you want to hear it if I did. I don’t know why I am like that. Why I like it so… hard. I wasn’t bullied, I wasn’t abused. I just… like it. I haven’t though, since…”

“Oh well, good for you.” Will felt Liam flinch but despite what he’d said about who to blame he wanted to hurt him back. After all he couldn’t very well beat up his dad. Didn’t even know if he was still alive. “Cutting back on the rape addiction. That’s just great. Have they got a patch for that?”

Liam didn’t answer. Will bit back the guilt and continued. “Maybe you should take it slower? Don’t want withdrawal symptoms. You could work your way down to teenage boys then small girls and…” The sound of quiet sobbing shut him up. Fuck.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. It’s been a long day and a fucking long night and…” The sobbing stopped but he could feel the body beside him shaking. He felt awful. Rolling over he put a hand hesitantly on Liam’s tense back. “I didn’t mean it, ok? Just my fucking big mouth going off again.”

“I just… I can’t believe I did that. I didn’t… I never realised what a fucking bastard I am.”

He sounded lost but he didn’t pull away and Will let his hand rest on his shoulder. He suddenly felt the urge to let it glide down the tense arm and put his arm around his waist or even slide his hand further down. He held his breath then let it out slowly. “You’re not… You’re not a bastard. Well, maybe you are but not that way. You just…”

“All these times I’ve fucked someone hard, coaxing them into it, making them believe they really want it. Maybe they never did, maybe I really forced them. How many like you have I left in my path?”

Will felt a strange feeling in his stomach. “You’ve done that often?”

“Not the way I treated you. But yeah, I’ve hurt some. Not to brag but I’m not… small. Even for the guys that are into that sort of thing. The whole… violent, rough scene. In the end they always love it but when we start out… it sometimes scares them. So they need… persuasion. I’ve heard too many no’s turn to yes to remember sometimes it truly means no. Not that that’s any excuse.” He sniffled.

Will’s hand tensed on Liam’s shoulder. “Ever hurt anyone badly? Anyone need stitches? Any broken bones?”

“No!” Liam drew in a sharp breath. “Did I...? How badly did I hurt you?”

Will pulled back, suddenly angry. “Physically? You ripped me up pretty badly. I bled for days whenever I had to take a dump. Got constipate cos I was too afraid to go to the loo.” He could feel Liam cringe but he didn’t really care. “What more? Yeah, a bump at the back of my head as well. Felt sick and dizzy so there might have been a concussion but more likely it was because of the booze and the lack of food. Bitemarks on my shoulder, bruises around my throat and various other places, sore throat from all the screaming. But no broken bones and no stitches.” He didn’t mention the psychological or emotional hurt. He didn’t need to.

“God, I’m so sor…” Liam stopped just in time. “If there are any medical bills or, you know, other…”

“Other than the HIV test, no.”

Liam stilled. “I used a condom.”

“Well, I couldn’t really remember if you did or not, having been unconscious half the time. So those were fun three weeks.” He swallowed, remembering the terrifying waiting by the phone. “Don’t worry, I’m clean.”

“Me too.” He paused. “So are you seeing anyone now? Not that it’s any of my business.”

“Not that it is any of your business but no.” ‘No one touches you but me.’ He shivered slightly and rolled over, turning his back at Liam again. “We should really get some sleep.”

They lay still for a while, neither even closing their eyes. When Liam spoke it was in a hesitant whisper.

“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. Not just because I felt guilty for the way I treated you. I’d been watching you for weeks before I made my move that first time. Usually that’s how it ends. One quick hard fuck and I’m gone. I prowl for the guys that have that look in their eyes, the look that tells me they want it hard and they want it now.” Feeling Will tense he added quickly, “But you weren’t like that. I mean yes, you wanted it but it was a lot more than that to my desire. So when you started struggling and I should have stopped or slowed down I only wanted to fuck you harder, faster. That night when I got home all I could think of was you, your smell, the taste of your skin, the feel of your tight arse clenching my cock. How I could feel your heart beating too fast in your chest when you tried to get away. Your whimpers and moans.” He hitched his breath. “Your screams being muffled by my hand.

Will lay frozen, heart pounding in his chest. He was hard as a rock, his erection pressing against his damp boxers. He could feel Lim shift beside him and then the soft puffing of breath against his neck. What was happening?

“I tried to stay away from you because I didn’t like the power you held over me.”

Will wanted to laugh hysterically. Power? He held a power over Liam? Yeah, right.

“Managed it a week then I was back looking for you. Watched you for a fortnight, drinking, dancing, scanning the crowd for someone worthy of your attention.”

Will would have rolled his eyes if he wasn’t so scared. Liam’s breath was burning his skin.

“Then that night I was worried because you’d been so long in the restrooms. So I decided to check up on you. Let’s just say the little lad took me by surprise.”

Will blinked in confusion, then it dawned on him. Oh. The cocksucking kid. He’d forgotten about him.

“I got so angry, I was blinded by jealousy. Who was he to touch you? I wanted to kill him.” He gave a cold laugh at Will’s obvious start. “Don’t worry, I didn’t. Instead I followed you home.”

“I wanted you for myself. To own you. I actually contemplated bringing you home with me like a pet. I’ve never felt like that before. And when you were so obviously turned on by my caveman behaviour I felt so incredibly… powerful. Like I actually did own you and could do anything I wanted to you. So I did.” He shivered and Will clenched his fists.

“Ordering and pushing you around, making you call me sir. Your tongue licking me, your mouth as it closed around me. Mine, all mine. When you passed out I thought at first you were faking. Playing the drama queen. I wasn’t worried about hurting you, I was just annoyed that I had to wait for you to wake up. Although the spanking made more than up for it. You were like a little boy and I was your master.” He sobbed. “God, I’m sick.”

Not as sick as me for getting hard just from listening to you, Will thought. Fuck.

“When you called me da…” His voice broke and Will was shamefully reminded of their previous talk. “When you called me daddy I totally lost it. Not the first time someone’s called me that but hearing you say it… I went berserk. I don’t remember much after that.” He hesitated. “Until you started crying and I realised I’d gone too far. Much, much too far.”

Will opened his mouth but closed it again, too shaken up to talk. Listening to Liam had conjured up images he should hate but instead he was painfully hard and sweat was running down his back. He could hear the voice now so broken growling obscenities in his ear; he could feel the trembling hands when they were strong and digging iron fingers into his hip. When the breathing on his neck became erratic and loud he couldn’t stand it any longer.

He rolled over and before Liam had time to recoil he grabbed him by the neck and pressed their lips together. The shocked resistance soon relented and Liam opened up to let him in. He tasted of salt and fluoride. An uncertain hand touched Will’s hip and he bucked forward, bumping his cotton-clad erection into Liam’s cock that was swelling in his own boxers. The touch made Liam pull back in shock, eyes wide, breath hitching.

“Wha… what are you doing?”

Will fisted his hair and pulled him close again. “I want to get rid off those memories. You fucked them in, I’m fucking them out.”

This time the kiss was deeper, harder and when Liam once again pulled back he was panting heavily. “We can’t… it doesn’t work that way. You don’t want this, you don’t want me.”

“It will if I say so. And if I don’t want you why do I have this?” He rolled them over so he landed on top, grinding his erection against Liam’s, staring into his eyes. “I need a fuck, Liam. You said it yourself, no one touches me but you. So no one has.”

Liam’s eyes widened and he shook his head anxiously. “I didn’t mean…”

“Yes, you did. And if I’m yours then you are also mine.” His determination faltered and he bit his lip, pleading in his eyes. “I need this. Please.”

At the look of pity in Liam’s eyes he suddenly felt anger well up inside him again for his weakness. He pushed off and stood up, then frantically began pacing the small room. “Think you’re the only one that’s been obsessed with what happened? You’ve been haunting me, ruling my life with your absence. Yes, it gave me nightmares but worse than that it gets me so hard I want to cry with disgust for what I am.” He stopped and stared at Liam’s dark form on the bed. “See, you were right. I did want it, I wanted you to take me, own me, possess me. And the fact that it went too far didn’t change that. I still want you, the only difference is that now it sickens me.”

He was breathing heavily with anger, hands knotted into fists by his sides. “Even after all the pain, all the fear all I have to do is look at you and I want you to throw me against a wall and fuck me hard. Drive that fucking big cock of yours into my arse and fuck me until I cry and beg for mercy. That was what you wanted, wasn’t it? For me to crave you like that? Well, you bloody well succeeded. So who’s the bigger pervert, me or you?”

He glared into the darkness, imagining Liam’s eyes watching him with disgust. After a long time of silence he growled in frustration and grabbed his bag, rummaging through it until he came up with the bottle of scotch. With shaking hands he unscrewed it.

“That won’t fix anything.” Liam’s voice sounded strange in the dark. Will froze, the bottle already touching his lips. Then he took a deep swig and turned to stare at Liam.

“Who are you? My da…” He stopped and turned away. “Mind your own bloody business.”

“You said it yourself, drinking doesn’t make them go away. The memories.” Liam paused and Will could almost hear the cogs turning in his head. “You really think…?” He paused again. When he continued his voice was so low Will could hardly hear him. “If you really want to you can… fuck me.”

Will choked on the mouthful of scotch and turned to Liam again. “What?”

“I said, if you want to you can fuck me. If you think it makes you feel better.”

“Feel better?” He laughed coldly. “You offering me a guilt fuck? Give Will a little arse and he’ll forget everything so you can stop feeling so bad? Thanks, but suddenly I’m not in the mood. Wonder why?”

He stalked over to the window and pushed the heavy curtains further aside, the yellow glow from the outside light making his skin glow. He stayed rigid, staring out of the window, slowly sipping the strong liquid until he could hear Liam’s breathing slow down behind him. Then he slowly walked over and slipped under the duvet again, careful not to think about the heat radiating from the body so dangerously close to his.


V: It’s Your Sex I Can Smell

When he woke up the first thing he noticed was something heavy lying across his stomach. Confused he blinked and turned his head only to find Liam’s face inches from his own. He was still asleep, lips slightly parted, soft puffs of hot air brushing against Will’s chin. His arm was slung across Will’s waist in a possessive hug and his eyes were moving quickly behind his eyelids. Will couldn’t help wondering if he was dreaming of him.

His heart was hammering in his chest but he didn’t move. He hadn’t woken up next to someone in a long time and the feelings Liam’s presence stirred up inside him were confusing to say the least. Wondering what was happening to him he studied the man that had haunted his dreams for so long. Somehow the real thing was quite different than the image he’d made up in his head.

This man had a high brow, which was now furrowed by whatever he was dreaming. Will noticed a small dent in the skin a little bit off the centre and he wondered what had made it. The hair was brown and stuck up like a brush. The eyelashes were long and Will tried to remember what colour his eyes were. Green? Brown? The nose seemed a bit crooked but the lips were full and so damn kissable he had a hard time not testing them out again. The duvet had slid of Liam’s upper half, revealing a muscular chest under a thin t-shirt and a tanned arm that made his heart flutter. Letting his eyes glide further down he saw a slender foot peek out at the bottom of the bed. Sighing he glanced up again, right into brown eyes staring at him with uncertainty.

“Morning.”

Will swallowed. “Good morning.” His eyes darted from Liam’s eyes to his lips. “Erm… we should probably….”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them moved. Will cleared his throat and tried again. “Got to be there in time. Long road, you know.”

“Yes. We should…” Liam paused and suddenly Will felt something stir against his thigh. His own cock jumped so fast in his loose boxers it struck Liam hard. They both drew in a sharp breath, eyes wide. Their lips were so close all it would take was a tiny movement. Will swallowed again. Slowly he closed his eyes and parted his lips. Liam’s breath was hot against his face and he let it guide him closer and closer…

The sharp ring made them both jump and Will sat up and grabbed the phone. “What?!”

“Well, aren’t we grumpy this morning? You asked for a wake up call at 8 o’clock, luv. It’s now 9.”

“What!” Furious he checked his watch. “Why the bloody hell didn’t you call at 8 then?”

“No need to be rude, young man. I did call, at least I think I called. Might have forgotten though, mind’s not quite what it used to…”

Will slammed the receiver down on the muttering voice and jumped out of bed. “Hurry up and get dressed. We have to be there in three hours.” He didn’t even glance at Liam, only grabbed his jeans and with some difficulty managed to button them over his still painfully hard erection. Behind him he could hear Liam getting dressed as well and he angrily forced the images of his half-naked body out of his head. Grabbing his bag and the almost empty bottle of scotch he swung the door open and stalked out.

The first hour driving was spent in silence, Will tapping his fingers nervously on the dashboard, Liam staring at the road ahead with a look of confusion on his face. Finally he glanced at Will and cleared his throat. “So…”

“No.” Will didn’t even look at him.

“No? No what?”

“No nothing, anything. Let’s just forget about it. All of it.”

The silence was even more oppressing now. Liam fumbled with the radio, then gave up after a couple of long minutes filled with loud white noise. “Still broken. Which I knew of course. Doesn’t mend itself, right?” He laughed nervously. “So…”

“No!”

Exasperated Liam turned to him. “Yes! Please, William. We need to talk about.. us.”

“Us? There is no us. No us! Ok?”

“Ok, ok. I just meant… were you gonna kiss me this morning?”

“No! Ok, yes. Maybe. But I didn’t so let’s just forget it, all right?”

Liam stared ahead. He lasted about five minutes before he started again. “I wanted you to, kiss me I mean. And… and fuck me.” When Will angrily opened his mouth he added quickly, “Not out of pity. Just… you’re so beautiful, you know that? Those eyes and lips and that scar across your eyebrow. The way your hair was all curled up this morning and… I just wanted you so bad. Wanted you to take me. Hard and fast and…” He stopped, his face flushed.

Will sat frozen, heart hammering in his chest. He could see it now, Liam spread across the bed, hands tied to the headboard, thighs trembling as Will pounded into him. Brutal animalistic fucking, taking out his pain and rage on Liam’s beautiful body…

He closed his eyes, his own thoughts frightening him. He wasn’t like that. He refused to be that kind of person.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… you felt it too, I know you did. We have something, you and I. The same need, the same… longing.”

“I’m nothing like you!” But as the words left his mouth he knew they weren’t true. He had just as much admitted it last night but in the harsh light of day the truth was too brutal for him to face.

“No! No, of course you’re not. But… It’s nothing wrong with wanting it a little rough. It’s not sick or perverted; it’s just a matter of taste.” Liam paused. “Unless you go too far. That’s what makes me the monster, not you.”

The silence was even more uncomfortable now. Will refused to look at Liam but Liam kept glancing at him like he was hoping for some kind of acknowledgement. This time Will was the one to break.

“Ok, so maybe I do like it rough. That doesn’t mean I want you. I mean, after what happened how can you even think…”

“You’re right, you’re right. I shouldn’t. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing wrong with liking it a bit rough, I know that. I’m not a prissy prick, you know, I’ve actually had sex in ways and places that…” He stopped, suddenly remembering this was not supposed to be a pervert competition. “What I meant to say was that as long as we have two consenting adults it’s nobody’s bloody business what they do. So yeah, I like it rough. I like to feel the power of extreme passion explode between two aroused individuals, stretch those boundaries, walk that line.”

“But I crossed it.” Liam’s voice was quiet.

“Yes, you did.” Will gritted his teeth. “I’ve treated guys roughly, called them whores, put bruises on their hips. But I don’t hit them or hurt them until they bleed, I don’t force them further than they are willing to go and I bloody well don’t rape them until they pass out from the fucking pain!” He was shouting, eyes blinking away tears, hands trembling so hard he had to slam them flat on his thighs to still them.

He could feel Liam shaking beside him but this time he was too angry to care. It was the first time he’d really put words to what he was feeling and it was incredibly liberating. He was angry, so fucking angry he wanted to slam his fist into Liam’s face. All the fear he’d felt before was gone. He didn’t care that Liam was twice his size; he wanted him to stop the car and get the hell out so he could beat the shit out of him.

When Liam swerved to the side and slammed the brakes he thought for a moment that he had said it out loud. But Liam didn’t leave the car, he just slammed his fist into the wheel, making Will jump, then hung his head and started to cry. Will sat frozen, the cars zooming past them making the whole thing seem so unreal. When he finally looked over at Liam the guilt hit him again, no matter how much he didn’t want to feel it. The man was the picture of misery; red and puffy eyes in a grey pasty face, lower lip trembling, breath hitching. No wonder Liam had pulled over, there was no way he could drive, blinded by tears and probably too shaken to even know in what direction he was headed. Without thinking Will reached out and laid his hand soothingly on Liam’s thigh.

“I’m sorry. That was… I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just…” He stopped, not sure what to say.

“You… You’re right. I just can’t believe I did that. God, what the fuck is wrong with me?” He slammed the wheel again, but this time Will didn’t flinch, just squeezed Liam’s thigh a bit tighter. “And you know what the worst part is? That I mainly regret it because it means I can never have you. How fucking selfish is that?”

Will swallowed. The tense thigh was warm under his touch and he suddenly envisioned his hand slipping a bit further up and more to the right. What the fuck was wrong with Liam? What the fuck was wrong with him? One minute he wanted to smash Liam’s face in, the next he wanted to grope him. Talk about crossing lines; he was bloody well turning them into circles. Or something; that metaphor didn’t really make much sense but then again all his renowned articulacy seemed to have flown out the window.

“You want me that much?” He heard himself say the words before he realised what he was doing. His hand suddenly started prickling on Liam’s thigh and he tried pulling it back only to be seized by Liam’s trembling grip.

“I told you, you weren’t like all the others. From the moment I saw you I wanted you. And no matter how hard I try I can’t make that craving go away. Fuck William, if I hadn’t behaved like such a fucking prick would you have…? Do you think you might have…?” His eyes flashed up and stared at Will with such pain that he was taken aback. The question however he knew the answer to, had been thinking about it ever since they met again.

“Yes.”

Liam’s lower lip quivered, his grief so obvious Will wanted to take his answer back even though he wasn’t sure the alternative would be any better. The heat from Liam’s fingers was running through his hand like electricity and he felt himself flush. In his chest his heart began beating faster and faster and he could feel a drop of sweat running down his back. Liam kept staring at him, like he was drinking in his image, memorising it for eternity. The air in the car was becoming thicker, tension charging through it like small bolts of lighting.

Will didn’t even realise he was leaning forward until his nose bumped into Liam’s and for a second they both froze. Then everything exploded and they were smashing their lips together, teeth clashing, tongues fighting for the first penetration. There were fingers tugging at Will’s hair and a warm palm pushing down on his erection. He wasn’t sure where his own hands were but he was tugging desperately at Liam’s clothes knowing he had to touch skin or he would go mad. Finally there was a sound of ripping and the warmth leaping out at his groping hands made him moan into Liam’s mouth.

It wasn’t until Liam accidentally hit the horn, its loud honk making them both jump that they pulled back, remembering where they were. Panting they stared at one another, both of them shocked by what had happened. Finally Will swallowed and looked away.

“Maybe we should…?”

“Yeah.” Liam put the car in gear and checking if the road was clear he stepped on the accelerator so hard they both slammed into the back of the seats.

“So…” Liam hesitated, remembering the turn that opener had taken earlier.

“I hope you have another t-shirt.” Will tried to fight the smile tugging at the corner of his mouth but one look at Liam’s confused face and it turned into a big grin. “Unless you want to walk around looking like Hulk.”

“Huh?” Liam looked down and pulled at the front of his t-shirt, eyes widening when he felt it opening at the back. “So that’s how your hands got in.” He pouted slightly. “I really liked this one.”

Will quirked his eyebrow. “Well, next time I feel the urge to grope you I’ll be more careful.”

“Next time?” Liam glanced at him, his grip on the wheel tightening a little.

Will was quiet for a while. When he spoke his voice was surprisingly calm. “Well, we’ve only been in each other’s presence about 12 hours and we’ve already kissed twice. Doesn’t matter how much I want to stay away from you, I can’t really see me holding back for the next 24 hours. Do you?” He looked up and the fire in his eyes made Liam hitch his breath.

“So you… forgive me?”

Will looked away. “I don’t know. I think I need to forgive myself before I can forgive you. But for what it’s worth I’m willing to try and push those feelings of guilt and blame aside, at least for the day. That’s all I can promise you.”

“Thank you.”

Silence fell again but this time it wasn’t nearly as oppressing as before. Liam kept both hands on the wheel seeming in deep thoughts and Will took the opportunity to once again study him. He had been carrying the emotional image of this man for so long in his head that what he was now looking at seemed ridiculously ordinary. Not that the man wasn’t exceptionally handsome, even beautiful if he allowed himself to use that word, but he was in no way unearthly or demonic as he had so often convinced himself. He had a feeling that in his mind he had made him that way to better explain his own irrational behaviour. To diminish his own blame.

But this wasn’t a monster or a man with unnatural powers of coercion. He was just a man. Big, but not so big that Will shouldn’t have been able to fight back to a greater extent than he did. Seductive but there was no magic, no evil force. Just plain old charisma, mixed with some unusually strong sexual attraction. And that confused the hell out of him.

There was no question that he had wanted him. Still wanted him. But had he wanted ‘it’? Had it really been rape like he kept telling himself or had that just been a convenient way to throw all his shame and self-disgust over on Liam’s shoulders? He had said no, but he’d also said yes and he couldn’t deny that he had enjoyed part of it. Most of it even. Couldn’t deny that he’d begged him for more. Despite all the pain and humiliation he had come harder than ever before and looking at him now he suddenly knew he wanted it all again.

If it had really been rape no way he would be here, sitting beside his alleged rapist, barely holding back the urge to jump his bones and rip his clothes off. He’d focused so long on Liam being the Big Evil when in reality what had brought him down, had turned his life into a whole fucking mess of nightmares and terror had been the returned memories from his childhood. He couldn’t even remember what his father looked like; all he remembered was his ragged breath and his filthy words and the pale hairy flesh pressing down on him, suffocating him. He had no face, just like Liam hadn’t had a face until a few hours ago and in his mind he had merged them into one being, the reason for all his misery.

There was no doubt that Liam had been in the wrong. There was a fine line that you had to walk when you engaged in that kind of sex and Liam had crossed it, getting lost in his own needs, forgetting that it was supposed to be about both of them. He deserved to feel guilt and shame but…

“You didn’t rape me. I was wrong to say you did.” The words came out before he had time to think them over but when Liam looked over at him in shock he didn’t falter. “Somehow I turned you into my father in my head but you’re not him. You’re not a monster. But…” He raised his hand to shut up Liam who was about to argue. “You’re close enough. One step away from becoming one. If you can’t control yourself… You need help.” He laughed bitterly. “Fuck, we both need help. I’m just as twisted as you are.”

“No, William. You’re nothing like me. You said it and it’s true. Thanks for trying to make me feel better but I know what I am, what I did. I do need help. I promise, when we get back I’ll find someone to… do that.” Liam paused. “I’m glad I met you again. I probably would have done it again, given time, if you hadn’t made me realise... Thank you.” He shot Will a quick glance, the civility of their conversation making the whole thing seem unreal. Like they were discussing a scene from a movie, not a nightmare of their real lives.

Will nodded slowly. “In a way I’m glad too. If we hadn’t met… I’d probably still be locked up drunk in my flat, scared of my own shadow. My dad is most likely dead, drunken junkie that he was, anyway he won’t be coming back to hurt me. And I’m starting to believe you won’t either.”

“God, William, I swear I’ll never…”

“Yeah well, this isn’t about you, it’s about me.” He took a deep breath, then spoke with a determination he wasn’t sure he felt. “I need to take control of my life again. And that’s where you come in.” Will looked away, staring out at the grey countryside. “I need you to help me. I know it sounds irrational but I built my fear around you, giving you the blame for everything bad that happened to me. I lost faith in… well, everything. Everyone. But if you can make me believe in you, that you are a ‘good guy’, that you can be trusted…” He swallowed. “Then I might just get my faith back.” He turned his head, the uncertainty in his eyes mirrored in Liam’s. “Would you?”

Liam swallowed, shifting his stare from the almost empty road to Will’s face. “You want me to…?” He choked up, his knuckles white on the steering wheel. “William, if I could earn your trust, your faith… after what I did… you have no idea how much that would mean to me.”

Will sat in silence for a moment, then his right hand reached out and covered Liam’s left one on the steering wheel. “All right then.” He pried the cramped hand away from the wheel and lay it gently on Liam’s thigh, his own covering it like a pale blanket. “Then please calm down because at the speed you’re driving we’ll be dead at the next bend.”

“What?” Liam looked down at the speedometer. “Oh shit.” He lifted his foot quickly from the exhilarator, reducing their speed dramatically. “Sorry. I was… Sorry. Fuck.”

“Hopefully, yes. Before too long.” Will chuckled as Liam’s hand jumped under his. “As part of the therapy of course.”

“Jesus!” Liam breathed heavily, his face flushed. “You really want to…? After everything that…”

“I meant what I said. You fucked it in and I need to fuck it out. You have a problem with that? Me fucking you?” Now that he’d made his mind up watching Liam squirm was incredibly entertaining.

“Me?” Liam swallowed, his thigh twitching. “No. No problem. Non at all. I told you, I’d do anything…” He jumped as Will dug his fingernails into his hand.

“No! You’re not playing the martyr. I won’t fuck you to reduce your guilt. You have to want it.”

“I do! I do!” Liam’s voice sounded desperate. “God, William, I’ve wanted you to fuck me since I first saw you.”

William searched his face but all he could see was need. “You ever bottom?”

Liam’s eyes darted around. “What? Erm… no. Not really.”

Will frowned. “Never?”

“No.” Liam was turning a deep colour red.

“But still you wanted me to fuck you from the moment you saw me?” Will quirked his eyebrow. “Somehow I find that hard to believe.”

“Ok, ok. Maybe not then. But last night… when you said you wanted to fuck me I felt more turned on than I’ve felt since…” He tensed.

Will squeezed his hand. He could do this. “Since that night. Before I turned into a weeping woman.”

“No! Well, yes. But, damn it William, you have to stop putting yourself down like that. You’re not weak. There’s nothing weak about crying.” Liam gave him a see-I-can-do-this-therapy-stuff nod.

“Sure there isn’t.” Will snorted. “Bet you cry all the time.”

Liam bit his lip. “Sometimes.” He looked away. “I cry over Oprah.”

“What? You do not.”

“Well it’s really heart wrenching sometimes. All those sick children and broken up marriages and…” He blushed even further as Will sniggered. “Stop laughing. It’s not funny!” The sniggering turned into right out laughter and after a few moments of scowling he couldn’t hold back his own smile and before long they were both laughing like a couple of maniacs.

Finally Will leaned back, heaving for breath. “Thanks. I haven’t laughed like that since…” He waved dismissively. “Well, you know. Feels good.”

They sat in silence for a while, Will’s hand still resting on top of Liam’s on his thigh. Again he felt the urge to let his hand slide, let his fingers stroke that bulge that was so close he could feel its heat. He had meant that part about ‘wanting to fuck it out’. But there was more to it. He wanted to fuck Liam period. Wanted to feel him clench around him, see that look on his face as he hit that spot, hear him cry out his name as he brought him to orgasm.

Just thinking about it made him hard and without realising what he was doing his other hand moved into his lap. The light touch made him gasp softly and Liam looked over at him questioningly, his eyes widening when he saw what Will was doing. Blushing Will pulled his hand quickly away.

“No. Please. Don’t stop.” When Will hesitated Liam brought his right hand up to his lips and kissed it. “You want to trust me? Do you trust me enough to do that in front of me?”

Will’s eyes flashed. “No. But I’m willing to work on it.” His left hand drifted back to his groin, his right one still resting on Liam’s. For once in his life he was glad he was left-handed.

He rubbed the palm of his hand over the rough denim until the need to touch naked flesh became too strong and with a quick glance at Liam he slipped his hand under the waistband of his jeans. They were loose on him, thanks to his recent diet of booze and little else, so they gave him enough room to feel around, first through the thin cotton of his boxers, then inside the frontal opening and finally his fingers touched his swollen cock. The sensation made him gasp but the echoing gasp from the man beside him was far more erotic than his own caresses. He looked over with hooded eyes, the lusting expression on Liam’s face making his fingers curl and he groaned as they closed around his throbbing cock.

“Like that? You wishing that was your hand?” The slow nod made him even harder. Slowly he pulled out his hand and watching Liam he popped the buttons, one by one. Then squirmed until the jeans moved down his hips, giving him enough space to pull out his cock. The head was glistening, the pulled away foreskin making it look like a dark mushroom. Will rubbed his thumb over it, smearing the leaking precum around and around before moving his hand down, stretching the foreskin until his cock stood straight and smooth, the throbbing veins snaking down the shaft.

“God, Will!”

The endearing name made Will look up but he was too turned on to care. Beside ‘William’ always reminded him of his mother. Someone he really didn’t want to think about now. “Don’t forget to watch the road.”

Liam turned his eyes on the road again but they kept darting to Will’s crotch, the tip of his tongue licking his lips. “Maybe I should park…”

“No. Just keep driving.” He needed Liam’s hands to be occupied, needed that distance if only for now. He was pulling slowly on his cock, up and down, then rubbed his thumb again over the head, penetrating the slit. “I haven’t touched myself since…” He closed his eyes. “If I pass out from coming you better tuck me in before we get there.”

“Sure.”

Liam’s voice sounded strangled. His hand was trembling under Will’s, cramping fingers digging into the stretching denim. Making a decision he hoped he wouldn’t regret Will let his hand slide to where it had been longing to go since he laid it there. The bulge was hard under his fingers and the thick cotton was damp. He could feel Liam trembling and when he pushed his fingers in between the buttons, the gasp made him squeeze his own cock harder.

“Eyes on the road.”

“Please, Will!”

“Just drive.”

He pulled out his fingers and after some struggling finally managed to pop Liam’s buttons. He was wearing silky boxers. They felt smooth under Will’s fingertips but not as smooth as he knew his skin would be. He slipped his hand underneath the waistband. His left hand was working quicker now, his cock sliding in and out of his closed fist as he let his right hand stroke down the soft belly then through the thick curls and finally they reached their destination.

It was strange, holding that big cock in his hand, remembering what it had done to him. Rolling his own balls in his left hand he stared down at Liam’s cock as he pulled it out and it bounced free in his palm, slapping him like a bat. It was the first time he’d seen it, not just felt it, and although it was rather big it wasn’t as enormous as he had conjured in his mind. But then again, in his mind, everything about this man had been grotesque. It was dark against his pale palm, the head a dark purple, the rest of it latte brown. Slowly he let it slide in his hand, feeling its weight, the smoothness of the foreskin, the warmth of the blood pumping inside. A drop of precum leaked out, quickly followed by another and as they started running down he caught them with his thumb, wishing it was his tongue. He wanted to taste him, wanted to lick that smooth skin, fellating him the way he’d wanted to but not been allowed that night so very long ago. Slowly, sensually. Lovingly.

Liam was breathing heavily, trying to keep his eyes on the road but failing miserably as they kept darting over to Will’s face, Will’s cock, Will’s hand stroking him. “God Will, that feels so good. Please… yes. Oh Jesus.”

Will sped up again, stroking them both in the same rhythm. Faster and faster until he could feel the orgasm building up in his balls and with a gasp he gripped Liam’s cock harder. “Fuck, Liam. I’m gonna come. I’m gonna…” After months of celibacy it felt like a small explosion, starting in his balls and quickly radiating through his whole body. His semen hit the dashboard with a splash, and after jerking and shivering for a long time he slumped forward, feeling like he had just emptied all his strength through that small slit. Dazed he opened his eyes and looked over at Liam. His hand was still cramped around Liam’s now dwindling cock, wet with sweat and semen. There were splotches of white on his jeans and the front wheel as well. “Did you…?”

“Yeah.” Liam’s voice was hoarse. “Almost drove off the road.”

“Sorry.”

Liam looked over at him, eyes dazed. “Don’t be. I think that was the best orgasm I’ve ever had.” He looked down. “Messiest too.”

Will followed his gaze. Then slowly he leaned over. Liam’s cock was hot under his tongue, his semen a cooling contrast to the skin that seemed to be burning. Slowly he lapped up every drop of the cock, his own fingers, even the rough denim that tickled his tongue. When he’d finished he sat up again and looked at Liam, suddenly feeling unsure. Liam stared at him then swung to the side and hit the brakes with a screech, hardly waiting for the car to stop before grabbing Will by the neck and kissing him fiercely. His tongue swept over Will’s, tasting his own release, sucking it into his mouth. When he pulled back Will gasped for breath and they sat there staring at each other, eyes dark, lips swollen.

“I really want you to fuck me. You. To fuck me. Really, really, really.”

Will groaned. “Jesus, Liam.” He took deep breaths to calm himself. “You won’t believe how much I want to right now. But if we don’t get going we’re gonna miss the funeral and no matter how much I fucking don’t care about that if I lose this job I’ll have to move back in with my mum and then I’d probably kill myself.”

Liam bit his lip. “We can’t have that.”

“No.”

They kept their stare for a moment longer but then Liam sighed and put the car into gear. They drove off, both of them feeling extremely frustrated.


VI: I’ve Got No Soul To Sell

The rest of the journey was made in silence. The closer they got the worse Will felt. He didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to turn this family’s tragedy into some dirty news story on page 4. No matter how delicately he’d try to do it Giles could and probably would turn it into filth with malicious headers and cut up lines spread across the article in big red letters. ‘Sinful Slaughter’ or ‘Bashing the Bent’ or whatever stupid line he’d come up with. The thought sickened him.

This was why he never wanted to do “real” news. Invading people’s privacy and grief for the sake of a story never seemed right to him. He had always been more fascinated by the more beautiful side of humanity. Not that art wasn’t tragic at times, even painfully so, but at least it did seem to serve a purpose. What the hell was the purpose of dragging these people’s lives through the mud? Displaying their grief like it was this week’s entertainment? It wasn’t right and he of all people should know that. God, why did he have to be such a coward? If he wasn’t so utterly and totally broke…

The car slowed down and he looked up to find they were pulling into the gravelled parking lot outside the small country church. Fuck.

“You ok?”

The hesitant voice brought him out of his brooding and he looked up to find Liam watching him, his worry badly concealed. “No. This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this.”

Liam turned away, face blank. “I understand. I mean, why would you ever trust me again? If it was me…”

“No. This job. This job is wrong. I should know, I should bloody well know. Not the first funeral I’ve been to. This bloke I didn’t know but it doesn’t fucking matter, does it? It could have been, it could have been any of us. This isn’t news, this is someone’s nightmare and we’re putting it on display like… Fuck! What the hell am I doing here?”

Liam reached over and put his hand rather hesitantly on Will’s arm. “We don’t have to do this. It’s already started. We can tell your editor the car broke down and we were too late or something.”

“He’ll know. He’ll know and he’ll make sure I never get a job again anywhere in London. He’s a prick and he knows he’s got me by the fucking curlies. I loose this job and I’m on welfare, mate. I’ve drunken up every penny I had, not that I had much to begin with. I’m totally screwed.”

“Oh.” Liam looked down at his hands, still resting on the wheel. “God, I’m so sorry. I’ve fucked everything up for you, haven’t I?”

“Stop. Just stop, ok? Stop making it all about you. Not everything is about you!”

“Sorry.”

“And for god’s sake stop saying you’re sorry! Christ!”

Liam opened his mouth then seemed to rethink and closed it again. They sat in silence for a moment before he looked up. “Listen, it doesn’t matter what you say, I know it’s my fault. If I hadn’t… Will, I have some money saved... No listen! If you prefer we can call it a loan although I’d rather give it to you. It would make me feel a whole lot better.”

Will stared at him incredulous. “Money? You want to give me money? Jesus! Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you?” Angry he got out of the car, slamming the door furiously behind him. When Liam swiftly got out on his side Will turned to him, eyes burning. “I’m not a fucking whore, Liam. No matter how much you loved calling me one.” Then he stalked to the church and taking a few deep breaths to calm himself he opened the door slowly and slipped inside.

Shaking with shame Liam got out of the car and changed into a new shirt before getting his camera gear out of the backseat. Then he walked slowly toward the church.

~~~~~~~~~

The funeral was painful even to humble observers like them. The family was obviously still in shock, the boy’s mother seemed to be medicated to the point that she could hardly keep herself awake, his father wept openly and unashamed, not even bothering to wipe his eyes with the handkerchief he clutched in his hand. There didn’t seem to be a dry eye in the church, even the priest had to stop and clear his throat a few times. A young girl sang Ave Maria with a quivering bright voice that made Will’s heart ache. Then a young man stood up and walked to the white coffin. He stopped and stared down at the pale face that despite the mortuary’s best efforts still showed clear evidence of the cruel and fatal attack.

From their seats back in the church Will and Liam couldn’t hear the words spoken softly to deaf ears but their meaning could easily be read on the young man’s face. When he leaned down to kiss the cold lips Will stood up and left the church.

He was on his second cigarette when the bells started chiming. Liam slipped out a few seconds before the doors opened wide for the pallbearers. Will kept to the shadows as Liam did his job, making sure to be as unobtrusive as possible. At one point an elderly man approached him but after a few verbal exchanges the man patted Liam’s arm amicably and rejoined the grieving crowd. Will wondered what had been said.

He kept his distance as the coffin was carried out into the churchyard but turned away when it was lowered into the darkness of the freshly dug grave. He stood behind a tree as the churchyard slowly emptied, wishing with all his heart he wasn’t there. A hand gently squeezed his shoulder and he looked up to find the boy’s father giving him a sad smile.

“Your friend told my brother why you were here. Won’t you join us at the reception?”

“Wha… what?” Will searched frantically for Liam but he seemed to have disappeared. “What did he tell you?”

“That you want to do an article on hate crimes against gays. ‘Show the human side of statistics.’ I think that’s how he put it.”

Will blinked and then the guilty knot in his stomach made way for such a strong feeling of relief and gratitude towards Liam that he had to fight not to smile. Instead he nodded and thankfully accepted the man’s crumpled handkerchief to wipe his eyes.

“I was so afraid this would attract some sleazy headline hunters. But I can see you will make a good job out of it. After all, you know.” The man patted him on the shoulder and went to join his wife who was standing by the car, staring away into nothingness.

Will walked slowly to Liam’s car and with trembling hands lit another cigarette. His mind was already working on the article, searching for the right words, trying to catch the feeling without making it too morbid or sappy. Statistics… yes, he’d have to do some research. He needed to find a place to hook up his laptop, get his facts straight. He hoped Liam had got a shot of that kiss. Close up. Grief as real as it could be. He wanted it to be like a punch into the readers’ stomach no matter who they were. He hoped the family would give them permission to be that personal.

This was real. This wasn’t just another queer, not a doesn’t-concern-me case. This was humanity at its worst and best. This was love killed by hate. This was real.

Giles might still try to butcher it but that was a chance he had to take. Hopefully he would see the potential in such a story. A real story, not just a piece of pointless gory garbage.

He didn’t even notice Liam getting into the car until the engine was turned on. The photographer reached back and placed his camera bag on the backseat, avoiding looking at Will. With a sting Will remembered what their last conversation had been about.

“I’m sorry, all right? I shouldn’t have said that to you. I was a bloody wanker, ok? Liam?”

“Are we going to the reception?” The voice was flat.

“Yeah, seems you got us invited. Thanks for that. Really, I wouldn’t have thought of it but it’s perfect. It’s gonna be a brilliant article. Brilliant.”

When Liam didn’t share his enthusiasm he slumped again. “Sorry. Please. I didn’t mean it. I was feeling bloody nervous about this whole thing.” He swallowed. “Not even a year since I had to bury one of my own friends, you know? They never caught the bastard. Wrote it off as mugging gone wrong but we all knew it fucking wasn’t. Muggers don’t shove bottles up their victim’s arse. Well, not in general anyway.” Tears were stinging his eyes again and he twisted the wet handkerchief in his sweaty hands. “God, when you caught me that night at my place for a second I thought that was it, it was my turn. Some fucking world we live in.”

Liam sat stiff beside him. Will finally dared to look at him and was shocked to see him crying. “Liam?” Damn. “I shouldn’t have brought that up again, I’m sorry. I’m not thinking straight. Liam?”

“I’m ok. Just give me a sec, all right?”

“Of course. Sure. However long you need.”

After a while Liam put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. He still wouldn’t look at Will and the air in the car seemed thick with unsaid words and tense emotions. Will didn’t even dare ask him if he knew where they were going. When Liam finally spoke his voice was shaking.

“I think I got some good shots but I want the family to look them over. We’re not printing anything they don’t approve of. It’s all digital so we can show them on your laptop.”

“Of course. That’s what I planned anyway. Liam…”

“Same with the text, ok? If they don’t like it you rewrite it. All right?”

“Liam…”

“And no shocking headline. Nothing grotesque or vulgar. Or I won’t let you have the pics.”

“Jesus, Liam! What kind of journalist do you think I am? Giles might like to catch people’s attention with gore and gossip but I don’t.” He looked away. “I thought you knew that.”

“Sorry. It’s just… Did you see them in there? The whole family just…” Liam gripped the wheel so hard his knuckles whitened. He gave a cold laugh that chilled Will to the bone. “I doubt my father would even come to my funeral. Or anyone else for that matter. But that boy… they all loved him. Didn’t matter what he was, they loved him anyway. And they don’t deserve to be dragged through the mud.”

“They’re not going to be. The human side of statistics, remember? I promise you, it will be very delicate.” He gave Liam a reassuring smile but he only stared at the road in front of them. They rode in silence for a while, then Will added quietly, “I’d come.”

Liam’s breath hitched but he didn’t say anything.

The reception was a crowded affair. Young friends and elderly relatives paying homage to what they had lost. Every now and then someone laughed at a fond memory or wiped their eyes at a sad one. It was all very intimate and Will once again felt like an intruder. At last it became too much for him and he slipped out of the main room, only to bump into someone hiding in the hallway. He blushed and looked away when he recognised the young man from the church.

“Oz used to hate these kinds of things. Never knew what to say in such a crowd, you know? Too shy, my Oz.” The young man sipped his glass and stared out the window at a pair of sparrows on the grass.

Will swallowed. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you.” He turned to look at Will, piercing eyes filled with more sadness than anyone should know at such a young age. “I hear you’re doing an article. Should we be worried?”

Will took a deep breath and looked him straight into the eyes. “If it turns out the way I plan, no. I won’t print anything without your approval.”

The young man raised his eyebrows but after a while he nodded. “All right then. If you need anything just let me know.” He extended his hand. “The name is Alexander, by the way.”

“William. And thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Shall we?” He opened the door and Will walked ahead of him back into the reception, feeling a lot better than a few minutes ago.

He searched for Liam and finally spotted him seated by the grieving mother’s side. She seemed a bit more lucid now and was talking in a low tone, wiping her eyes every now and then, leaning toward Liam in a way that made Will feel strangely warm inside. When Liam put his arm around her and gave her a light squeeze as he murmured something into her ear she even gave him a small smile and Will wanted to rush over and kiss him right there in front of everyone. Instead he turned away and circled the crowd a few times before once again leaving the room, this time all the way outside where he lit up a cigarette and leaned against the wall, eyes closed.

“Hey.”

His heart jumped. “Hey.”

“You ready to leave?”

He nodded, keeping his eyes closed.

“So… Apparently there’s a nice little inn just up that road. Some of the guests are staying there but they believed there was still some room.”

“Yeah. That sounds good.”

They walked to the car, close enough to feel each other’s heat although they didn’t touch. The whole experience had left Will with a feeling of desperation and sadness. Like the world could end tomorrow and his life had been wasted on shallow affairs and loneliness. He suddenly felt cold and wished that he could touch the man beside him, if only to get a smidgen of his heat. Could feel some kind of connection even if it was just a handshake or a peck on the cheek.

They drove over there in silence and checked into separate rooms, then agreed to meet for a meal in half an hour at the pub across the road. Will unlocked his small room, dumped his bag and the laptop on the narrow bed before slowly undressing. His clothes were clinging to him, cold sweat gluing them to his body. Avoiding the mirror he stepped into the shower. The hot water warmed his skin but he felt just as cold inside. The funeral had been both depressing and uplifting in a way but what his thoughts kept drifting to was Liam’s reaction. His words, the anguished tone, his obvious distress. Somehow he’d never wondered what kind of life Liam had. His family, his friends… didn’t seem like he really had anyone. It all sounded painfully familiar.

Will hadn’t spoken to his mother in months. Her coldness had never made any sense to him. If it had been brought on by his coming out he could have understood it but she had been like that for as long as he could remember. Resenting him, blaming him for her own miserable life. Telling her he was gay only gave her one more thing to despite him for. Now of course he knew why. A couple of times he’d stood with the phone in his hand, trying to get up the courage to dial the number, to ask her how she could hate him for what happened. Ask her why she hadn’t protected him, why she hadn’t stood up for him. Her son, her own flesh and blood. But he never did, the fear of what she would say far greater than the agony of not knowing, not understanding.

He used to have friends. Long ago. Some left the day he got tired of hiding who he was. One even punched his face as a farewell gift. A few he lost along the way to wives and kids, others to universities far away. He’d made some new ones instead, at work and in the clubs. But he hadn’t talked to them in months. Not since… A few of them had called to check up on him but after only getting his answering machine they finally gave up. Seemed like the only human beings he talked to lately were the pizza boy and the Indian guy in the market around the corner. Not that ‘How much?’ and ‘Thanks’ could really be considered conversations.

Who would come to his funeral? Maybe a few people from work, more out of obligation than grief though. Who else? Who would grief? Who would miss him? Who would even remember him five to ten years on?

God, his life was a waste.

Sinking deeper and deeper into self-pity and misery he pulled clean clothes out of his bag and put them on. Well, maybe clean was an overstatement. At least they weren’t damp with perspiration or too rank. The faded jeans had a rip mid thigh on one leg at the back and both knees at the front. The t-shirt was thin with wear, its original black colour turned grey and he was pretty sure there was a hole under at least one arm. Fuck, the jacket would cover it. He pulled on the short denim jacket, patted the breast pocket for his fags and left the room.

It wasn’t until he went into the pub and saw Liam sitting nervously at a table in the far corner that his mood lifted. Fuck, this was priceless. Liam had changed clothes too but where Will had dressed down, Liam had obviously dressed up. He looked very much out of place, the locals giving him a glance every now and then, probably wondering who that spiffy poof was. He had on a dark silky shirt, the colour lost in the darkness of the pub but for some reason Will hoped it was burgundy. Spotting Will Liam stood up hastily and Will didn’t know whether to grin or gasp at the black leather pants that were hugging his arse and thighs close enough to show off. Every. Single. Detail.

Doing his best to hide his amusement he went and ordered two pints of beer before walking over to Liam who had sat down again and seemed to be playing hide-the-fag by shrinking as far into the shadowed corner as he could.

“Hi.” Will put the glasses down on the table and sat down. “Am I right in assuming you’re the only gay in the village?”

“What?” Liam blinked in confusion. “I’m not… what?”

“Never mind.” Will chuckled and raised his glass at him. “Cheers.” He waited until Liam took a big gulp before adding. “Sweet of you to dress up for our first date.”

Well, now his clothes would smell. Raising his eyebrow at Liam’s blushing face he walked over to the bar and borrowed a cloth to wipe the splutters of beer of the table as well as himself. “And that was my good shirt too.”

“Sorry.” Liam blushed even further. “Erm… Did you say ‘date’?”

“Well…” Will looked around. “Dinner, drinks, a dark secluded corner.” He leaned over and whispered, “Leather.”

“I just… I didn’t…” Liam looked down, practically squirming. “I like leather.”

“And it obviously likes you.” The hope in Liam’s eyes sobered him up and he shifted gears, looking around the pub. “Don’t worry. I’m sure they will have forgotten all about you in a year or two.”

“Thanks. That makes me feel a whole lot better.” But his embarrassment had given way to a smile and he sipped his beer, licking the foam of his upper lip. “So, what shall we eat?”

Will tore his eyes away and up to the board beside the bar. “Well, there’s the usual fish and chips. Or you can have burgers and chips. Or even ribs and chips.”

Liam frowned. “Anything without chips?”

“I don’t think so. Why? You have anything against chips?” Will made it sound like that would be the worst crime on earth and Liam smiled.

“Nope. They do however not like me as well as the leather.” He leaned back and lifted his shirt, patting his stomach with a pout. “Gotta watch the lines, you know.”

“Yeah, well...” Will swallowed. “Somehow I can’t imagine you having that problem.”

Liam looked up and the rest of the pub disappeared, the chatter and music getting lost in the pounding of Will’s heart. Their knees were so close under the table, their hands only inches apart on top of it, but still the distance was unbearable. Liam’s eyes bordered on black and Will thought he could feel his breath stroke his face. When Liam licked his lips Will unconsciously copied him, the stroke of the tongue firing up his belly like it was Liam’s and not his own. God, he wanted him.

A loud sound of something breaking broke their trance and Will turned his dazed eyes at the girl who was picking up the pieces of broken glass, smiling patiently at the clumsy costumer. When he looked back Liam was staring down into his beer, like it contained all the answers in the universe. Disappointed Will cleared his throat.

“Food, yeah?”

“Sure. You pick something, I’ll pay.” Liam didn’t even look up.

Will hesitated, the proposal from earlier still stinging him but fighting over a plate of food seemed ridiculous. As he stood up and walked over to the bar he realised why Liam had made him do the honours and he tried to adjust himself without looking to obvious. The girl didn’t seem to notice though, just smiled and took his order.

They ate in silence, having had nothing to eat since that morning. After finishing his pint, Liam not even half through his, Will went and got another. His hands were shaking and he really wanted something stronger but for some reason he held back. Not that Liam didn’t know he’d been drinking his days away for months, had actually witnessed it last night, but somehow revealing his weakness in broad daylight was too shameful.

He was on his third when they finished, Liam still sipping his first. His bladder was starting to suffer tremendously for it and he looked around until he spotted the loo on the other side of the pub. Gulping down the rest he stood up.

“I’m just gonna…”

Liam still kept his eyes down. “Sure.”

God, it was such a relief. He could actually see his stomach cave in as he emptied what seemed like a small ocean into the urinal. He was washing his hands when the door opened and he stiffened, the usual fear creeping up on him. Hurriedly he turned off the tab and dried his hands on the front of his jeans before turning around. Liam was standing in front of the door, breathing deeply. “Hey...”

“I need to kiss you. Like now.” Liam took one step forward and Will backed away. “I can’t stand it, being so close to you and…” He took another step and Will backed into one of the booths, the door rattling on its hinges.

Liam blinked. Then he retreated again, the heat in his eyes replaced by sudden realisation. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

Before Will had time to respond Liam turned around and walked out, the door slamming behind him. Still in shock Will looked up and caught his own reflection in the mirror. The face that met him was pale and sweaty, eyes huge and scared. When he looked down his hands were shaking, and this time it wasn’t because of the need for alcohol. Fuck. He jerked the door open and hurried into the pub. Liam wasn’t there. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Running out he saw him disappear into the inn and hurried after him, catching up with him on the stairs up to their rooms. “Liam!”

Liam kept his back to him. “I’m gonna take a nap. We can look at the pictures later.”

“Fuck, Liam.” Will grabbed Liam’s arm and turned him around, pained by the look of misery on his face. “I’m sorry, ok? You just caught me off guard, that’s all.”

Liam finally met his eyes, a mix of embarrassment and anger in his expression. “Don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have…”

“You think I don’t want you to kiss me? Been wanting to ever since I walked in and saw you in all your leathery glory. Was so fucking hard I could hardly piss.” The landlady’s subtle cough from behind the counter made him realise where they were and impatiently he took Liam’s hand and dragged him up the stairs, unlocking the door to his room and pulling him inside.

“Look.” He started pacing the room, glancing at Liam who stood by the door like a brooding statue. “I have a bit of a problem with surprises, you know. Being jumped at in dark hallways and such. Something I have to work on.” He ignored Liam’s obvious discomfort. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want you. Fuck I do. You know I do. Almost took you on that table there earlier. But we need to make some rules, all right?”

He sat on the bed, patting the space beside him. “Sit down.”

Liam hesitated for a second before walking over and sitting as far away from Will as he could. Rolling his eyes Will moved closer until their thighs were touching.

“First off, stop giving me that puppy look.”

“I don’t…”

“That one. Stop it. I’m not gonna kick you, ok? Not unless you keep practically asking me to. Like now. Stop it!” He glared at Liam who tried his best not to look like a puppy. “Second…” He bit his lip and swallowed before continuing, “I need to take the first steps, ok? I’m not saying you have to be my bitch forever,” the slight shiver running through Liam’s body made him smile slightly, “but for now I need to be in charge. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Third… Stop the puppy look! Third, we need a safeword. If at any time either of us feels too uncomfortable we say that word and that’s it, we stop. Whatever we’re doing. Ok?”

“Ok.”

“Fourth… ok, I have no fourth. Let me think.” He frowned then sighed and shook his head. “Fuck it.”

Liam’s lips seemed feverish against his own. He braided his fingers into Liam’s hair; wanting to pull him closer, swallow him. Liam’s hands were on his back, warm and big. God, it was good. They fell back on the bed, kissing and touching, the initial urgency fading into slow passion. Tasting each other, mapping out warm bodies with their fingertips. Shoes were kicked off, falling to the floor with loud thumps that they didn’t hear. The leather pants felt smooth but Will wanted to touch human skin, feel Liam. See him.

Still kissing he undid the buttons on Liam’s shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. The tanned skin underneath was hot and damp and he wanted to reach down and taste it. Liam shifted beside him and suddenly the room went dark. Will stiffened, then rolled over and turned the lights on again. “Fifth rule. Lights on. For now.”

“Sorry, I didn’t think…”

“It’s ok.” They resumed kissing for a while before Will pulled back and sat up. He looked down at Liam lying on the bed, shirt undone, chest heaving, cock twitching beneath black leather. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.” He laughed when Liam blushed and looked away, obviously uncomfortable with the praise. “You’d rather I told you you’re hot? Sexy? Fuckable?” He took a deep breath. “Because you are. You so fucking are.”

He reached over and traced a finger down Liam’s chest and belly, eyes darkening even further as he reached the low hairline, Liam’s stomach moving in waves with each breath. When Liam lifted a hand he shot him a frown, “Don’t move,” and the hand fell down limp by his side. Slowly he leaned over and planted a kiss in the middle of Liam’s chest, then licked his way to the right nipple.

“Oh god, Will!”

“Sshh.”

Liam tasted good, like sunshine. His skin smelled of the smoky pub, soap and a musky scent that was just him. Will inhaled with closed eyes before moving over to the other nipple and sucking it into his mouth as well, his cock getting harder and harder with every moan he extracted from the man beneath him. Gripping Liam’s wrists hard on either side he licked his way further and further down until his tongue entangled in the soft hair disappearing under the waistband of the leather pants. Panting softly he looked up at Liam. The look of desperation in the brown eyes was all the persuasion he needed and releasing Liam’s wrists he undid the top button on the leather pants and then slowly pulled down the zipper.

Soon the pants were lying on the floor along with the silky boxers and Will paused to take in the beauty that lay on the bed. Liam was gritting his teeth, hands curled into fists by his side, his cock struggling to get closer to the man hovering over him. Will swallowed. Taking a deep breath he looked up at Liam.

“I know you like it rough but bear with me.” He ran his hands up Liam’s thigh, then parted them gently and lowered his head.

“Will… oh Jesus… that’s so… nnngh… yes, oh god yes… Will! Oh… oh shit. Oh god…Wait! I’m gonna… oh fuck!”

Will drew back, then looked up and quirked his eyebrow.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to… fuck. I’m sorry.”

Licking his lips lazily Will moved up until he was lying by Liam’s side, head propped up on one hand. “’S all right. Happens to the best of us.” He grinned at Liam’s obvious embarrassment. “I knew I was good but…”

“I don’t think good is the right word. I’d say more in the lines of absolutely fucking fantastic. Too damn fantastic as it turns out.” He pouted. “This really wasn’t how I planned this.”

“Really?” Will suddenly felt cold. “You had plans?”

“What?” Liam looked at him and froze. “No! I mean… I hoped something would happen. Sometime. Not today of course. Well, maybe today but… I’ll just shut up now.”

“No, please continue. So in this plan of yours, was it like this or did you have me on my knees instead? Like last time.”

“No! I…”

Will stood up and started pulling on his boots angrily. “Or maybe you planned to get right to the fucking. In the churchyard maybe? Right next to the fresh grave. You like that kinky stuff, don’t you?”

“Will, stop. Listen to yourself.”

“I can hear myself perfectly. Stupid. So fucking stupid for thinking you had actually changed.”

He was reaching for the knob on the door when his shoulder was gripped in a vice and he swung around, the whole world going white before his eyes as he pushed and kicked in panic. He didn’t even register when he was released but kept on until he sank to the floor, his chest too tight, the air disappearing from his lunges.

“Will, deep breaths. Please. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Will?”

…

“Will?”

He opened his eyes. His head hurt, his chest hurt and for some reason his right hand hurt really bad. He blinked until his vision cleared and realised he was lying on the floor, Liam crouching by his side. “What happened?”

“Oh thank god you’re all right. You scared the shit out of me.”

Slowly he sat up and closed his eyes to fight the nausea threatening to erupt. “I scared… what?”

“You passed out. It was my fault, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped you like that. Never learn, do I?”

“I passed out?” Confused he looked at his hand that was starting to swell and colour. “Why?”

“I think you had a panic attack. You couldn’t catch your breath. My fucking fault. I should have…” Liam looked away in shame. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” Will grunted and tried to get up but his head felt too dizzy. “Bloody broken record.”

“Sor… ok. Has that happened before?”

Will blinked. “Yeah. A few times. Can you help me up?”

“Sure.”

Liam stood up and that’s when Will realised he was naked except for his open shirt. Suddenly it all came back to him but instead of his earlier rage he felt embarrassed. God, what a pillock. Attacking the guy for a few simple words. He grabbed the hand offered to him and was pulled up to his wobbly feet. “Maybe I should lie down.”

“That might be a good idea.”

Liam helped him over to the bed and he lay down on the slightly damp cover. It smelled like Liam. And sex. He groaned.

“You all right? You want me to get you anything? You need a doctor?”

“No, no doctor. Some painkillers would be nice though. My head is killing me. And my hand. What the fuck happened to my hand?”

“You kinda hit me with it.” Liam rubbed his chin. “And then the wall, I think. Let me see.”

The big fingers were gentle and Will closed his eyes, thinking of what they could be doing to him if he hadn’t behaved like an arse. “Listen, I’m sorry. I was a wanker lashing out like that. Bloody stupid.”

Liam put the hand down. “We should put some ice on that. And I’ll get you painkillers from my room.” He paused by the door then looked over at Will where he lay on the bed. “Only plan I had was to make you like me.” Then he turned around and left Will staring after him, a heavy lump in his throat.


VII: My Absence Of Faith

The pills slid down his throat and he leaned back on the pillows, his hand throbbing in its icy confinement. The light hurt his eyes and he threw his good arm over them. He could hear Liam pulling the curtains for the window, not that it mattered; it would be dark soon enough.

“I’ll leave so you can turn off the lights.” Liam’s voice was still subdued, unsure. Sad. Shameful.

“Wait. I’m…” Will hesitated. God, he felt stupid. “You don’t have to go. If you don’t want to.” The darkness underneath his shaking arm was oddly comforting.

Silence.

“You want me to stay?”

Will squeezed his eyes even tighter together. “I mean, it’s up to you, if you don’t want to…”

Fuck it.

“Yes.” He swallowed. “Please.”

Silence.

“Ok.”

There was a moment of awkward silence and then he heard Liam move around and the bed dipped beneath him. They lay side by side, their breathing sounding loud and unsettling in the quiet room. Slowly the ache faded away and after a while Will opened his eyes, slightly surprised by the bright light in the room. When he turned his head he found Liam lying stiff by his side, staring up at the ceiling.

“What time is it?”

Liam blinked. “Seven. I think.”

“Oh.” He frowned. “A bit early for bed maybe.” He rubbed his temples. “Don’t know why I thought it was night.”

“It’s seven A.M.”

“What? Fuck.” He sat up, wincing at the sting at the back of his neck, and looked around blearily. They were both fully dressed on top of the covers, the sun was doing its best to try and shine through the heavy curtains and his mouth was dry and tasted like carpet. The cold wrapping had been removed from his hand sometime during the night. It was slightly blue but the ache was mostly gone as well as the swelling. He looked over at Liam. He was lying on the edge of the bed, pale and drawn with dark circles under his eyes. Funny how someone could look like shit and still be beautiful. He swallowed. “You been here all night?”

“Yeah.” Liam glanced up, a guarded look in his eyes. “You asked me to, right?”

“Right.” He paused. “You didn’t sleep? You look like a zombie.”

Liam slowly sat up, like moving hurt after lying in the same position all night. He rubbed his face with the palm of his right hand before standing up. “Didn’t get much sleep, no. Got things on my mind.”

Will sat still, looking up at the tall and tired man in his wrinkled silk shirt and probably boiling hot leather pants as he walked slowly into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. Fuck.

He got up and started pacing the room, ignoring the dull headache that was slowly increasing. What the fuck were they doing? They were like cats and dogs. No really. He was the scared little kitten that still wanted to be petted but couldn’t decide whether he should purr or hiss. Liam was the puppy, begging for approval, waiting to be forgiven for biting his master’s leg. When he wasn’t humping said leg, that was.

Groaning with frustration Will walked over to the window and drew back the curtains. The bright sun and the annoyingly cheerful birds did nothing to lighten his mood. This would never work. He’d been stupid to think they could start over again. Every time Liam touched him he didn’t know whether to kiss him or curl up and cry. He hated this turmoil of feelings inside, he felt like in a way he’d lost himself, lost who he was supposed to be and it terrified him that he might never find that person again.

“You feeling better?”

He hadn’t heard the bathroom door open so the soft voice made him jump and swirl around in his usual paranoid fashion. The hurt and guilt in Liam’s eyes made him feel awful. “Sorry, you just startled me. Yes, I’m fine. Thank you.”

Liam bit his lip. “Right. Whatever. I’m gonna go take a shower in my room. We’re not meeting the family until noon anyway.” He turned around and for a moment Will contemplated letting him just leave. Wouldn’t it be for the best? Shouldn’t he…?

“Liam.” He hesitantly touched Liam’s elbow, then let his arm fall limp by his side, head bowed. “Really, thank you. For staying here with me. I haven’t slept this soundly in…” He paused. “Anyway, thank you.”

Liam didn’t look back. “You’re welcome.” He reached for the door and suddenly Will had a vision of him never coming back, leaving him to be all alone for the rest of his life.

“Liam!” Don’t leave. Please don’t leave. I can’t do this alone. “I do want you, it’s just…” He swallowed. “I’m all fucked up. Please don’t… don’t give up on me.”

Liam turned around slowly. He hesitated for a moment but then he took one step forward and suddenly Will was pressed against his chest, strong arms pulling him close. He squeezed his eyes shut, biting his lip to shut down the sob.

“I won’t. I promise. And you’re not the only one fucked up.” Will could feel him breathing against his neck. “I need this. You’re helping me just as much as I’m helping you. More even.” He sighed. “Maybe we should take things slower. Wait a few days.”

“Maybe.” Will wrapped his arms tighter around Liam’s waist, the silk shirt smooth against his cheek; leather pants warm under his fingers. He breathed in Liam’s heat, wishing he could soak it in straight from the skin.

Waiting was good. Waiting was sensible and smart and… God, he wanted to rip Liam’s clothes off and throw him on the bed and fuck him so hard he wouldn’t be able to walk for days! His body shivered and Liam pulled him closer. “Sshh, it’s ok.”

No. It wasn’t. He wasn’t.

Breathing deeply, he pushed his sick thoughts back inside.

When they finally broke apart the tension was gone and they smiled sheepishly at each other.

“Shower…”

“Yeah.” Will took a step back. “Me too.” He hesitated. “Maybe we can take a look at your shots after? Unless you want to take a nap…”

“No. Sure, we can do that. Just… come over when you’re ready. And bring your laptop.” Liam gave him a quick smile and then left for his own room.

~~~~~

“Liam, these are…” Will stared at the screen as the pictures were revealed one after another. “Fuck, you’re a bloody artist.” He glanced quickly at Liam who was watching him nervously before turning back to the wonders in front of him. “I had no idea you were this good. Why the bloody hell are you working for a shit like Giles when you have beauty like this to sell?”

Liam shrugged but he looked pleased. “Beauty doesn’t pay bills.”

“Fuck it doesn’t. Beauty rules the capitalistic world, my friend. You just need the right contacts and I bet you’d be living in a mansion within a year.”

Liam snorted but Will could tell he was flattered. He clicked on the next and stilled. It was the kiss from the church. Reaching out he slowly traced the tears running down the young mans cheek, disappearing between the touching lips. His profile hid the bruises that had covered the left side of the boy’s face, making it look like he was sleeping.

“I hoped you had captured that. God, it’s so horribly beautiful.” His hand dropped down on his lap and he suddenly felt old and tired. They sat in silence, staring at the couple on the screen. “You know,” Will finally whispered, “what you said in the car, about who would come to your funeral if you died? It made me think of my own death and I realised it would be exactly like yours. Alone. No family, no friends. No one.” He looked up at Liam who was watching him uncertainly. “What happened to us? Why is our life like that? Worthless. Why are we even still here if we make no impact, have no purpose?”

“Will…”

“No, seriously.” He closed his eyes. His head was starting to hurt again. “I could die today and no one would even notice. My mother would probably wonder a few Christmases from now why she hasn’t had a card but otherwise…”

“Giles would notice. He’d probably have an aneurysm when you didn’t turn in your story.”

Will smiled sarcastically. “Well, at least my death would count for something then.”

“I’d notice.”

Will rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah. Because we happen to be working together right this moment. But a month ago you wouldn’t have had a clue.”

Liam sat in silence for a long time before answering. “I would have noticed your lights weren’t turned on.”

“What?” Will stared at Liam who kept his eyes down, cheeks flushed red. “Are you saying…? Have you been stalking me?”

“No!” Liam blushed and squirmed. “I wasn’t stalking, I just, you know, walked by every now and then, hoping I’d see you. I wanted to see if you were ok and…” Seeing the look on Will’s face he blushed even further. “Maybe I stalked you just a little.”

Will felt cold. He remembered all the times he’d hurried out to the corner shop to buy his daily ration of alcohol and fags, looking over his shoulder like a scared rabbit. Thinking someone was watching him and then telling himself he was paranoid. God, what must he have looked like to Liam? Some days he’d hardly even got dressed, just scampered over in his jammies, unshaven and still smelling of last night’s sweaty nightmare, too desperate for his fix to care about appearances. Not like anyone looked at him anyway.

Except someone had.

He closed the laptop and got slowly off the bed where they had been sitting. It was one thing having told Liam about his pathetic life, it was quite another knowing he’d been watching him, had seen what a shitty bum he was.

“Will…”

“Shut up. Please, just… don’t say anything.”

He ran the palm of his hand over his face. It was clammy and trembling and he stuffed both his hands in the pockets of his jeans to hide them. Drink. He really needed a drink. “You watched me?”

“Just a couple of times.” His gaze dropped again when Will glared at him. “Or maybe ten. I know I shouldn’t have, I just… I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop thinking about you but I didn’t dare approach you. Not after what happened.”

“So you watched me. Like what you saw? Find it funny, watching your pathetic prey, seeing what a fucking loser I’d become?” His arms were pulling up, fists drawn.

Liam moved to stand up but another glare from Will made him sit back, defeated. “I didn’t see anything like that. All I saw was you. And you were beautiful.”

Will opened his mouth to spit out some bitter retort, preferably followed by a punch, but the earnest look in Liam’s eyes made him pause. He blinked. “You really mean that.”

“Yes.”

“I was…”

“You still are.”

Will stood still and then turned to stare at himself in the small mirror on the wall. His skin was pale, his bleached hair grown out into a two-toned jungle of curls, his cheekbones were even more prominent than before. His blue eyes seemed huge in the thin face, shadowed by dark circles. He knew that underneath the clothes he was too skinny, too pale, too… ugly. Slowly he shook his head. “No. I’m not.”

He turned reluctantly as Liam took his hand and pulled him towards him. Sitting on the bed Liam wrapped his arms around Will’s thin body and buried his face in his belly. Then he looked up, his eyes dark. “You’re too thin and you could use about a month’s sleep but you’re still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” He pulled up the thin t-shirt and kissed Will’s smooth stomach. “So beautiful.” Fingers running over his back. “So sexy.” Kisses raining over his abdomen. “Never wanted a man like I want you.” He tipped his head and stared up at Will in adoration. “William.”

Will’s breath hitched and he ran his fingers through the dark hair brushing his belly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

The kiss was hesitant at first but when Liam parted his lips Will followed, welcoming the warm tongue into his mouth. As the kiss deepened Will’s fingers entangled in Liam’s hair, drawing him closer. Then he was falling forward, twisting, until he landed on his back on the bed with Liam towering over him. The old fear tried to burst forward but he pushed it back. Liam’s heavy body was pressing down on him and he let it, suddenly wanting despite everything to feel owned again. To feel safe. When Liam grabbed his wrists and pulled them over his head he didn’t fight back but bucked up, moaning.

Liam suddenly froze and raised his head, gasping for breath. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take over like that.” He started to pull away but Will bucked up again, grinding their groins together.

“No. Don’t stop.” He stretched his neck and kissed Liam hard. “I want you to…” He closed his eyes for a moment before continuing. “I need it. Please.”

Liam still hesitated but Will could see the lust burning in his eyes. “You sure? Because I’ll stop if…”

Will kissed him again then looked him straight into the eye. “Rape. That’s the safe word.”

Liam swallowed. “Ok.”

His kisses were timid at first but Will’s moans and thrusts soon impassioned him. He pinned Will’s wrists together with one hand while the other moved down and worked on the jeans, finally getting the buttons undone. When his hand slipped inside Will jerked up into the warm hand on his cock. “Fuck, Liam, yes.” He wriggled until his hips were more or less free of the jeans as well as the boxers and one tug from Liam helped his cock free.

“Like this?” Liam swallowed and started stroking him. “Tell me what you want, Will.”

“Want you. Want you to…” Will stared up at him, his eyes dark with desperation. “Kiss me, Liam. Kiss me and touch me and… please, fix me. Please.”

Liam stared back then nodded. He bowed down and kissed Will with closed lips before parting them and slipping his tongue inside. He let go of Will’s cock, moving his hands up to either side of his head as he lowered his body and rubbed his jeans clad erection against it instead. Then he moved down and pulled Will’s t-shirt up again, kissing his way down to his waist and then lower still.

As the hot lips touched the head of his cock Will sobbed and braided his trembling fingers into Liam’s hair. God, it felt good. Finally feeling again another man’s touch, tongue and, oh my god, mouth. He could feel his walls of fear crumbling as he gave himself over to the man who’d brought on their construction all those months ago. He had forgotten it could be so good… no, he was pretty sure it had never been this good. He was whimpering and moaning and when Liam pushed up his legs and hesitantly touched his entrance with the tip of his tongue he started begging in a pained voice ‘Please, please. Oh god, Liam… please.”

Liam hesitated only for a second. Then he started licking him over and over until the soft massage made the muscle relax and with a push his tongue slipped inside. It couldn’t have been more different than the last time he was penetrated. Liam’s tongue was smooth and wet, licking the inside of his walls, prodding him, pushing as deep as he could. Will writhed and whimpered, his whole being giving in to the overwhelming pleasure. It was happening too fast, was too much, but he didn’t care. He could feel his orgasm building up in his balls, begging to be released and when Liam’s slick fingers wrapped around his cock he only needed a few tugs before coming with a cry, his seed spilling over his stomach and Liam’s hand. Riding the waves of orgasm he threw his arm over his wet face, his limp hand slipping from Liam’s hair and down on the bed. He could feel Liam kissing the inside of his thighs again and again, then moving up his stomach and chest before kissing him lightly on the lips. His breath was still heaving, his thighs trembling and he didn’t know whether he wanted to laugh or cry.

“Are you all right? Will?”

He nodded, still not able to speak. He could feel Liam lie down beside him and then he was pulled into a warm embrace and the blanket thrown over him. Too exhausted to think he fell asleep.


VIII: Help Me Become Somebody Else

“Will? You have to wake up. It’s almost noon.”

The voice was kind but insistent and with a groan he opened his eyes. Liam was crouching by the bed and stroking his hair, the look in his eyes so caring that for a moment Will wondered if maybe this was more than just lust. Annoyed with himself for teasing his heart like that he yawned and ran sticky fingers through his hair. “Give me a minute.”

“Sure.” Liam stood up and Will wanted to reach out for him and pull him back down. Pull the blanket over their heads and forget the rest of the world. Instead he sat up and tugged up his pants. He stood up and went into the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water before looking into the mirror. He was still pale but his cheeks were flushed and his eyes looked more alive then he could ever remember them being. He tried to slick back his hair but it was too long and in the end he gave up, letting the curls fall down either side of his face. Giving himself a small smile in the mirror he went out to join Liam.

~~~~~~

Their meeting with the family went beyond his expectations. After talking for over an hour about Oz, getting a general feeling of the boy and his relationship with his family and friends, Will told them what he had in mind and they nodded with a dazed expression on their faces. Liam brought out the pictures they had chosen for the article and although they made his mother cry and his father turn away in grief they agreed. When they came to the shot of the kiss Alexander stared at it in amazement before mimicking Will’s action, tracing the tears with the tip of one finger. Then he looked at Liam and murmured ‘Thank you’ before standing up and leaving the room.

An hour later they were in the car, heading back for London. Will had his laptop up, typing on it with an enthusiasm he had missed more than he realised. After hardly looking up for two hours he was more or less done, only needing to look up the specific statistics and he put the laptop away, planning to give it a final look over when they arrived.

Halfway there they stopped for a bite to eat. Their conversation was effortless and they deliberately kept it light, steering away from topics they didn’t dare talk about. Eyes kept glancing, hands twitched to touch but they held back, not really knowing why. Liam had a coke with his ribs while Will nibbled his burger and drank beer. He finished two and was about to order a third when Liam wiped his mouth, got up and said they’d better get going. He hadn’t finished his meal and Will looked at him quizzically but Liam only gave him a smile and went to pay the bill. Will was left staring at the remaining inch in his glass. Then with a determination he didn’t really feel he put it down and left the table.

The rest of the trip seemed to go by too fast. Will was quiet, tossing and turning all kinds of openings in his head but they all sounded stupid. ‘So are we gonna…?’ or ‘Do you want to…?’ or ‘Hey, let’s meet up and…’ He groaned and he could sense Liam glancing at him. He gave him a quick smile and resumed his inner dialogue. The closer they got the worse ideas he came up with until all words had departed his brain except a mantra of ‘What now? What now? What now?’

He jerked awake when the car suddenly came to a halt and he looked up to find them parked outside his block of flats. Panicking he turned his head and blurted out “What now?” just as Liam said “So are we gonna meet up and…?”

They stared at each other and then Will felt a smile tugging at the corner of his lips just as Liam bit his in amusement and soon they were both grinning like old friends.

“How about I go in and finish this while you go to your place to sleep, because you look absolutely exhausted? Then we can meet up for coffee tomorrow morning and I’ll let you read it over before we go and have our battle with old Rupe?”

Liam smiled. “Sure.” He got out as Will got his laptop and bag out of the car and then stood awkwardly while he unlocked the front door of the building. Will turned and looked at him and he smiled nervously. “Liam?”

“Well, I was thinking…” He blushed and looked away. “See, I…”

Will hesitated only a second before leaning forward and kissing him softly on the lips. “You want to come in?”

“Ok.”

He held the door open and Liam stepped inside. As the door clicked shut behind them they were wrapped in darkness. Will could hear Liam breathing somewhere to his left. Shivering he flipped the switch but nothing happened. His stomach twisted and his heart started beating faster and faster in his chest. Angry with himself for his weakness he searched for his keys and finally dug them up, only to drop them on the floor. Shit. His eyes didn’t seem to adjust to the darkness at all. Instead it got blacker and heavier, suffocating him with its possibilities. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good id…”

Liam huffed as he was pushed against the wall, hot lips pressing against his. When Will finally pulled back they were both gasping for breath. He turned his head and licked the hand that was cupping his face, pressing back the memory of it backhanding him. “I wanna fuck you, Liam.”

He shivered when Liam drew in a sharp breath, his cock pressing hard against his stomach. “Fuck!” He panted, fingers rubbing Will’s neck. “God, yes. I want you to fuck me, Will. Want you to take me. Please.” He rained kisses down Will’s throat, then nibbled his ear. “If… if you’re sure you’re ready?”

Will swallowed. “No. But I don’t care. I can’t wait. I want you. I want you so fucking much.” He pushed Liam’s jacket aside and slipped his hands under his t-shirt. He wanted skin, wanted heat, wanted to feel the blood pumping in the veins under his tongue.

“Wait. We can’t do this here. We’ve got to find the keys.” Liam slipped away from him and Will could hear him move below him in the dark. “Bingo!” The keys were thrust into his hand and he unlocked the door. They stumbled inside and Will turned on the lights, squinting against the bright assault.

Fuck, his place looked like shit. Empty bottles and smelly pizza boxes everywhere. Dirty clothes and dust bunnies covering his floor and furniture. The whole place smelled of drunken depression. He could feel his cheeks reddening. God, what must Liam think of him? He turned around to apologise, to suggest they’d find somewhere else, even though a part of him wanted it to be here. Needed it to be here.

Liam wasn’t looking around or wrinkling his nose. He was staring at him with a longing so strong Will could feel it like waves, caressing his skin, making every hair on his body stand on end. “Please, can I undress you?”

All he managed was a small nod. Liam took one step, two steps, and then he was slipping his hands inside Will’s jacket, up to his shoulder and slowly pushing it until it slipped off and on the floor. Next he pulled on the t-shirt, tugging it over Will’s head and arms. The stale air felt cool against his skin. His arms moved unconsciously to hug his body.

“Need to feed you, Will. Shouldn’t neglect such a beautiful body.”

He closed his eyes, tears pricking under his eyelids. “I’m sorry. I know I’m…”

“So beautiful. God, you’re beautiful.”

He heard a thump and when he opened his eyes Liam was kneeling on the floor and looking up at him with that same adoration he’d shown that morning. Then he reached out and started unbuttoning his jeans, slowly until they slipped off his hips and pooled around his ankles. Feeling awkward he watched as Liam lifted each foot and removed the boots and socks. Then he looked up at him and with a nod Will slipped his thumbs under the waist of his boxers and pushed them down.

He was standing completely naked and he felt utterly vulnerable. His arms moved to hide his body again but Liam took his wrists gently and held them to his side. “Don’t hide it. I want to see you.”

He swallowed and gave him a small nod, then stood still as Liam undressed slowly, his hands trembling slightly. Finally they stood facing each other and Liam bit his lip, his earlier confidence dwindling. “So, how do you want to do this?”

Will blinked. He opened his mouth to say whatever way was good with him when he saw the fear in Liam’s eyes and realised he was waiting for him to guide him through something he had never done and was very unsure about. And suddenly all his own doubts evaporated.

“Well, I don’t know.” He stepped forward and ran a finger up Liam’s arm until he reached his neck, pulling him down for a deep kiss. He could feel Liam slowly relaxing as their tongues entangled and gently he pushed him towards the bed. “We can do it like this.”

Liam sat down on the bed as his knees hit the brink, eyes wide. Will smiled at him, kissed him and then pushed him again so he fell flat on his back. Then he crawled his way up the tense body until they were parallel and he gave Liam another light kiss. “With me on top of you,” he licked his neck, “staring into your eyes as I push inside you, feeling you tight around my cock.”

Liam gasped and when Will lowered his body he bucked up to meet him, grinding their cocks together. Will groaned as electric sparks travelled through his body. God, it felt so good.

“Or I can turn you around,” he slid down, rubbing against the big throbbing cock all the way. “Spread your legs and fuck you hard, biting your shoulder as I come inside you.” His lips closed around Liam’s right nipple, sucking it into his mouth, twirling his tongue around it before biting down, hard enough to make Liam yelp. “Like that?”

“Ye… yes. Oh God.” Liam closed his eyes and whimpered as Will moved over to the other nipple, treating it the same way as his fingers twisted the one he left behind.

“Like me hurting you?” Another whimper as he twisted both nipples hard, then took turns licking them, soothing the blushing skin with his tongue. “Pain and pleasure. That’s us, luv.” He moved lower, licking the tense stomach, kissing around the belly button. “For now it’s just pleasure though. That all right?” He felt Liam nod but he didn’t look up, suddenly mesmerised by the cock swaying in front of his face. “Fuck, Liam.”

It felt smooth in his mouth, soft like babyskin, hard like a rock. He twirled his tongue around its head, loving the way it struggled to get out of the foreskin. Sucking, nibbling, licking. A part of him wanted to keep on until he had Liam screaming his name but another part, a very hard and insistent part, longed to get inside the hot body, to feel it clench around him.

Reluctantly he let the wet cock slip out of his mouth, then licked his way down around Liam’s balls. When he pushed Liam’s knees up he tensed but Will just kept on licking and sucking until he felt him relax again. Then he moved further down and flicked his tongue over the tight entrance.

“Oh Jesus! Oh holy fucking Christ!”

He laughed softly and pushed Liam back down on the bed. “Calm down, luv. I’ve only just started.”

“Just… don’t stop. Please… don’t stop.”

Will smiled. “Wasn’t planning on it.”

As he licked and pressed and pushed first his tongue then slicked up his finger and slid it inside the tight hole, Liam writhed and moaned and begged, gulping down tiny sobs, twisting the sheets in his fists, pressing his heels deep into the mattress. Will could feel him slowly stretching, the tense walls softening. When he felt confident that Liam was ready he added another finger, stretching him even further, slowly but insisting. He could feel Liam tensing up again and he pushed in just a little further, finally finding the right spot.

His neighbours were so hating him right now, he thought with a grin. Liam was yelling and growling, hitting the wall every now and then with his fist. “Fuck, Will! God! Nnnghh… right there! God yes, right there!! I can’t… Jesus!” Suddenly he sat up and pulled Will in for a hard kiss, pushing his feverish tongue deep into his mouth again and again before pulling back, eyes black.

“Fuck me. Now, Will. I want… I need you to fuck me now.”

Will kept his stare for a moment before nodding. His hands were shaking as he reached for the half full tube of KY and emptied it into the palm of his hand. He smeared it on his cock and then held Liam’s gaze as he pressed the blunt head against the slick entrance, finally slipping in. He paused as Liam winced but he grabbed Will’s hand and squeezed it tight. “Don’t stop. I’m ok. Just… don’t stop.”

Will leaned over and kissed him, keeping their lips pressed together as he pushed deeper and deeper inside, swallowing Liam’s moans. He didn’t stop until he was all the way in, balls pressing against Liam’s arse. He kept still, waiting until the tight muscle started to soften, until Liam resumed breathing, until he was sure he wasn’t hurting him.

“Ok?”

“Yeah. God! It’s so…” Liam licked his dry lips. “Fuck!”

Will smiled. “That’s the plan.”

“I think… I think I like that plan.”

“Good.” He pulled out slowly until only the tip remained inside then pushed in again, watching the emotions play on Liam’s face. A little pain at first but it was soon replaced by a look of intense pleasure. He kept a slow pace, so excruciatingly slow that he thought he might go mad with the longing to thrust in with all his might. His cock was being squeezed tight but it wasn’t enough. More, he needed more. He needed it…

“Harder.” Liam dug his fingers into his arms. “Please. Fuck me harder.”

He shook his head. “I… don’t… want… to… hurt… you.”

“You won’t hurt me and even if you did, that’s what I want. Don’t you know? It’s what we both want.” Liam stared at him, nostrils flaring. “Do it, Will. Fuck me. Fuck me like you want to.”

Will shook his head again, sweat running down his back. “No. I’m not that kind of man. I won’t… I won’t…”

“What, Will? You won’t what? Fuck me? Take me?” Liam reached up and cupped his face. “Love me?”

“Rape you! I won’t…” Will stilled, voice turning into a whisper. “I won’t rape you.”

They stopped. Their breaths were heaving, making their joint bodies pulsate like a strange beast. Will tasted salt in his mouth and when he slowly sat up and felt his face it was wet. Liam was watching him with a sad look in his eyes.

“God, Will. You’re not raping me. I want it. I want you to take me hard, even if it hurts me some. It doesn’t make you a bad man. It doesn’t even make me a bad man.” He sat up, wrapping his arms around Will’s shaking body. “It just makes us a bit kinky.”

Will let loose a small laugh but it turned into a sob and he clung to Liam, burying his face into his neck.

“But if you want to stop, we can stop. It’s ok. We have plenty of time. I’m not going anywhere. Unless you want me to?”

Will clutched him harder, panicking. “No! Don’t go. And I don’t want to stop. I want…” He released his grip slowly and pulled back. He felt like he was standing on the brink, about to take a step over to a land unknown and scary. He took a deep breath and looked straight into Liam’s eyes. “I want to do this.” He kissed Liam softly on the lips. “If you’re sure?”

“Never been so sure about anything.”

They held each other’s gaze for a moment longer and then Liam leaned back and Will started moving again, his cock soon regaining its hardness as Liam once again began moaning and thrusting back. He started slow but as he became confident that it was all right he picked up the pace. Shifting his hips a little he finally struck home.

“Oh God! Yes, Will! Please! Harder! Do it harder!”

Pulling almost all the way back he thrust inside hard, hitting him again and again.

God yes! This was exactly what he’d been craving. Liam’s hands were gripping the headboard that was banging against the wall with each thrust, the whole bed squeaking and complaining. Liam’s face was a picture of ecstasy; his knuckles white, his eyes squeezed shut, his cock bouncing against his belly.

“Fuck! Yes! Oh! Oh! Oh! Will! Will! WILL!!”

Liam’s cum splattered over his stomach and chest, a drop landing on his chin. A couple of more thrusts and Will was coming, stars twinkling behind his eyelids, his whole body convulsing, milking out every drop of energy he had left. With a cry he slumped on top of Liam in a boneless heap, sticking their bodies together.

They lay still, heaving for breath until Liam grunted and Will rolled off, his soft penis slipping out and slapping against his thigh. He lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling that he knew so well, had spent endless nights staring up at, too scared to fall asleep. And suddenly it all became too much.

Liam held him as he cried, held him as he whispered ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank you’; all his emotions mixing together until he was too exhausted to think and he fell asleep, dreaming of everything except his father’s rage.

When he woke up Liam was still asleep beside him, arms wrapped around him in a possessive hug. He wriggled until he was facing him and lay still for a long time, watching his peaceful face before he drifted off again.

Through the haze of sleep he felt Liam’s cock press against his thigh and he dreamt of it pushing inside him, fucking him hard until he came with a scream that echoed all over London. His lips twitched and he smiled, snuggling further into Liam’s embrace.


IX: You Make Me Perfect

Some time later he woke to Liam watching him, fingers trailing unknown patterns on his chest. “Morning.” He kissed him sweetly. “I hope I didn’t wake you?”

“Don’t mind that you did.” Will yawned and stretched, smiling as he felt his erection sway. “What time is it?”

“Seven. Plenty of time.”

“Yeah? You have something specific in mind?”

“Maybe.”

An hour later Will lay smiling softly, every muscle in his body limp with satisfaction. Liam was in the shower, having had a sudden craving for coffee and pastry and Will was quite happy letting him do the honours of early morning shopping. He had no plans of leaving the bed for hours yet. The water was turned off and when Liam emerged, naked and drying his hair on an almost clean towel he looked so at home; like he had always been there, an essential part of Will’s life. Not to mention a very delicious and tantalising part of Will’s life. He pouted as the naked vision began putting on clothes, hiding itself from his eyes. “Come back as quick as you can, yeah?”

Liam grinned. “What? You hungry?”

“Always hungry.” He grinned mischievously and Liam chuckled.

“You are insatiable, you know that? I thought I had worn you out with that blow job.”

Will shook his head although he very much doubted he could go again for a couple of hours at least. “Can never get enough of you, luv.”

Liam paused. Then he came over and sat on the bed, running his fingers through Will’s damp curls. “Is this…? Are we…?” He bit his lip, then took a deep breath. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Will blinked. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Is that…?” Liam looked down. “Do you mind?”

“No. I don’t mind.” He swallowed, the air around him suddenly feeling very dry. “It’s just… I thought this was just, you know, lust. I never expected it to be anything more.”

Liam kissed him softly. “It’s ok. I just wanted you to know.” He stood up. “I’ll be right back.”

He put on his shoes and pulled on his jacket, shoulders slightly hunched. Will wanted to reach out for him, tell him ‘Me too’ but he couldn’t do that any more than he could really believe Liam’s words. He watched in silence as Liam opened the door, stepped out and closed it behind him. Then he sank back on the bed, sighing in frustration.

It was stupid, being so scared. Scared of words, scared of touches, scared of that predatory look in Liam’s eyes that told him how much he wanted to take him. Fuck him. The thought made him gasp. His body twinkled with anticipation, his spent cock rising slowly to the images playing in his head. He remembered Liam filling him up, taking him, possessing him. Fucking him into oblivion. Scared, yes. But he still wanted it.

The doorbell woke him up from his daydream and he cursed as he stumbled out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweats that lay on the floor. Dust twirled around in a dance and he grimaced. He really had to do some cleaning.

Liam was standing outside the door, carrying two mugs of coffee and a bag of pastries. “They’ve stopped selling those big cinnamon buns. Damn, I was really looking forward to having one.”

Will tilted his head and gave him an innocent look. “How many times did you say you hung around outside, stalking me?”

Liam blinked a few times and then he blushed. “Ten?” He blushed further as Will quirked his eyebrow. “Erm…” Shyly he lifted the bag. “Croissants?”

“You trying to distract me with…oh, those smell really good.”

“Not as good as the buns.”

“Stop sulking and get in.”

They snuggled up in bed, drinking coffee and sprinkling crumpets of croissants all over the covers. Liam kept leaning over, kissing his hair, his ear, his shoulder. At first it made Will smile, then as the kisses got wetter and harder he closed his eyes, his hand moving in blindness to place the almost empty mug on the bedside table. Slowly he slid down on the bed until he lay flat, hands gripping the headboard, sweats tenting.

“God, Will. You taste so good.” The kisses turned into licks and nibbles. His ear, his neck, down his chest…

He knew where they were going with this. His heart was beating fast but he didn’t even consider asking Liam to stop. Not this time. He wanted it. He was ready.

Liam undid the string of the sweats and pushed them down, his breath hot against the exposed skin. With the tip of his tongue he licked up the shaft, then lowered his head, letting the proud cock slip into his mouth.

“Oh God… Liam. Yes…”

“Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!”

“Fuck!”

Liam looked up, licking his lips. “Don’t answer.”

“Wasn’t going to.”

“Good.” He resumed his licking and sucking as the phone rang on until the answering machine picked it up.

“This is William. Leave a message.”

“Will! You better be back. I have reserved a space for tomorrow’s edition. 1000 words and two pictures, you got that? “Gay Grieving” how does that sound? Be here before two o’clock. I can’t reach Liam, you better not have left him up there. You didn’t, did you? Anyway, try getting a hold of him and bring him with you.”

The phone clicked off. Will lay on his back, Liam looking up at him with uncertainty. Five seconds, ten seconds and then Will slammed his fist down on the covers. “Fuck! Fucking shit!”

“He wouldn’t, would he?”

“Oh, he so would. Bastard.” Will sighed and sat up, rubbing his eyes. “I hate to say this but…”

“Rain check?”

“Yes. Fuck! I’ll kill him.” He got up, scowling as he looked around for his jeans.

“Count me in on that.”

Will turned to apologise but a movement caught his eye and he switched his gaze from one erection to the other, unable to keep from smiling at the absurdity of their situation. “Batter him to death with our dicks.” He laughed. “How’s that for gay bashing?”

Liam chuckled, then walked over and cupped him by the neck, pulling him in for a kiss. Will pressed their naked bodies together, moaning when Liam’s other hand palmed his arse. Their kiss deepened as they rubbed against each other, but after a while Will pulled back, gasping for breath. “Better… better save it for later.”

“Yeah. Not too much later though.” Liam licked up his neck, one hand still kneading Will’s arse. “I hadn’t finished tasting you.”

Will shivered and for a moment he considered forgetting about Giles and the story and just run back to bed instead. Groaning he kissed Liam again, then stepped back. “Soon. I promise.”

“Ok.”

They got dressed in a hurry, then Will grabbed his laptop and they left.

~~~~~~~~

“You must be joking. I’m not going to give you four pages for this, Will.” Giles stood up and walked in front of his desk, leaning against it casually. “This isn’t the Pink Paper. Ordinary people have no interest in these things.”

“Ordinary people?” Will threw away the printout he’d been trying to show Giles in anger. “I’m not talking about aliens, Rupert. I’m talking about almost 10% of the population. I’m talking about their family and friends. I’m talking about human beings like you and me. Well, me anyway.”

“Spare me the drama. I’m not changing my mind. Cut it down and we’ll put the kiss and one other picture from Liam’s collection as well.” He turned to Liam who until then had been sitting in silence. “Good work by the way. Remind me to write you a check.” He nodded and turned back to Will.

“No.”

Giles frowned and slowly turned around. “No?” He pushed his glasses further up his nose. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”

“No. My pictures aren’t just good, they’re brilliant. They’re art. And I won’t have them used in any other way than they were intended.” Liam reached forward and clicked the keyboard before turning the laptop around so the screen was facing Giles. “I saw the look on your face when we showed you this. You want this because you know what it is. Art. Humanity. Love.” He smiled. “Money.” Lazily he leaned back on the couch. “If you want it, read Will’s article instead of just counting the words. And then we’ll talk.”

They kept each other’s gaze for a moment. Then Giles pursed his lips and sighed. “Give it over then. But I’m not promising anything.”

Will managed to keep his smirk to a minimum as he put the sheets into Giles’ outstretched hand. Then he sat down by Liam’s side on the couch, their thighs pressed close. Liam’s arm was stretched casually on top of the couch, fingers stroking Will’s neck.

Ten minutes of silence and then Giles once again removed his glasses and cleared his throat. “Well, yes. I see your point.” He stared out of the window for a moment before continuing. “I guess I can move the Star Trek Convention Article until next week.” He sighed. “Jonathan is going to be so disappointed. Oh well.” Putting his glasses back on, he gave them a quick glance. “Leave it with Willow.”

He started shuffling around papers on his desk, the meeting obviously over. Sharing a triumphant smile they stood up to leave the office but as the door was closing Rupert called out to Will. Warily he turned around, not sure what to expect.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, Will. I was worried.” Giles looked uncomfortable but he didn’t waver. “I know I can be a right bastard but we’ve known each other for a long time and… well, I was concerned. But you do seem better.”

Will swallowed. “I am. Thank you.”

“Anything…anything you want to talk about?”

“No, not really. Just…” Will hesitated. “Personal problems. Family and such.”

“Right. Yes.” Giles nodded. “Well, if you ever need anything…”

“Thank you.”

They held their gaze for a few civilised seconds and then Giles lowered his eyes, muttering a goodbye and Will stepped out, closing the door behind him.

Liam was waiting for him in the hall, a quizzical look on his face but Will gave him a smile and a shrug and together they went over to the cubicle area to talk to Willow. Half an hour later, her exclamations of wonder still echoing in their ears, they left the building.

It was noon and the busy streets seemed to have doubled its number of people rushing to different destinations, pushing, crowding, closing in on them. Someone shoved Will from behind, not even bothering to apologise as he stumbled forward. His chest tightened, the air suddenly too thick to breathe. Away. He had to get away.

Just as his thin grip on reality began to give away he felt Liam’s arm squeezing his shoulders and he closed his eyes for a second before slipping his arm around Liam’s waist and together they started walking down the street, dividing the flood.

By the time they reached the car he was weak in the knees, his heart beating so fast in his chest he felt it might burst. Liam didn’t let go of him until the car was open and he could collapse on the seat, eyes closed, sweat running down his back. Liam hurried over to the other side and, as soon as he was seated, grabbed his hand and squeezed it on top of his thigh, keeping silent as Will sat shaking and panting, eyes shut against his world.

Finally Will pulled away, wiping the sweat of his palms on his jeans. Without commenting Liam put the car in gear and they headed off. Traffic was heavy, the fuming cars moving no faster than snails. They sat in silence until Will growled in frustration. “Who relatively sane drives a car in London anyway?”

Liam laughed. “You saying I’m insane?”

Will stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” He sighed. “I was only joking. Trying to lighten the mood a bit.”

“Well, I’m sorry if I’m not happy-happy all the time…” He snatched a packet of cigarettes out of his breast pocket.
“I don’t expect you to…”

“…I told you I was all fucked up, what did you think I meant?” He broke the first fag, the second, finally stuffing the third in between his thinned lips.

“I didn’t think…”

“I’m not just gonna bounce right back, you know. This is how I am and this is what you get…” He clutched the Zippo in his shaking hand then flipped it open. Ritch. Nothing happened. Fuck! Ritch-ritch-ritch…

“I know! I never said…”

“And if you can’t deal with that maybe we should just stop right now because…” Ritch-ritch-ritch-ritch… Stupid thing. He shook it in frustration. Ritch-ritch-ritch… His thumb started to hurt but that only made him more determined. He had to make it work. Had to, had to, had to… Tears were prickling his eyes.

“I don’t want to…”

“I’m never gonna be what you want. Never gonna be normal. Never gonna be anything but a fucking useless wimp who can’t even make this fucking stupid thing work…” Ritch-ritch-ritch-ritch…

“Will! Stop it!” Liam’s loud yell made Will jump and he shrunk back in fear, cigarette falling from his lips, lighter tumbling from his hand onto the floor. Glancing up at Liam he saw the hurt look in his eyes and his face crumbled.

“I can’t… I can’t help it. Liam. Liam. I feel like I’m suffocating. Like… I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe…” Shallow gasps. Air; why was there no air in here? “We need to get out of here. I can’t be here. I can’t…” He started struggling with the door when Liam grabbed him by the neck.

The kiss was hard and quick and then he was being crushed to a tense chest, kisses raining down his neck. “It’s all right, Will. Sshh… Calm down.” Fingers in his hair, stroking, soothing, tugging on the curls at his neck. Comforting. “I’m right here with you. I’ll help you breath.”

He started laughing hysterically at the way Liam’s words contradicted his tight embrace, at the total absurdity of their situation, at the fucked up reality of his life. And then he was crying, sobbing into Liam’s hair, clinging onto him for dear life. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“Sshh… it’s all right.”

Cars were honking, people yelling, but Liam didn’t pull away, just held Will until he started to feel dull and sleepy and he leaned back closing his eyes as Liam put the car into gear again and drove off, ignoring the fingered salutes and angry looks from the drivers around him.

By the time they reached Will’s block of flats he was fast asleep, waking up with a confused frown when Liam roused him. He turned his head and looked over at the old and ugly door that led to his even older and uglier apartment. “Can we… can we go to your place?”

Liam hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” He closed his eyes again and was asleep before they reached the end of the street.

Liam’s flat was in a nice little street on the other side of Camden. The house had the usual postal stamp sized garden but everything was freshly painted and when he opened the door they were met by a cosy smell of flowers and coffee. Smelled like home. They’d barely closed the door when there was a loud yelp and a tiny mongrel came running down the stairs, jumping up to try and reach Liam’s hand with his tongue.

“Let me guess; the puppy that wouldn’t learn to sit?”

Liam laughed. “That would be the one. Will, meet Ring. Ring, Will.”

Will raised his eyebrow. “Ring?”

“Yeah, well. He…” The telephone rang and the little furball started howling like a banshee. “…doesn’t like the phone very much.” Liam went for the phone, trying not to step on Ring who was running around in circles. “Sshh, Ring. Calm down. Hello? Yes. No, I don’t… No thank you. No, really…”

As soon as the noise stopped the dog went quiet and started sniffing Will’s leg.

“Hey there…” He crouched to pet the dog only to be rewarded with a snap of teeth and a yelp before the dog ran away and hid under the couch. Sighing, Will straightened up and looked around.

The place wasn’t quite what he had expected. Actually he wasn’t sure what he had expected but definitely not the quiet dignified aura of heavy oak and brown leather or the inviting mood brought on by soft lighting and crowded bookcases. Every photographer he’d known seemed to be more into modern design, cold steel, bright plastic, naked white walls except for gigantic blown ups of their own work.

A light touch on his shoulder made him turn around to face Liam who stood back wearily. He gave him a smile and Liam visibly relaxed. It twisted Will’s gut when he realised Liam had been afraid of what such a simple touch might trigger.

Pushing back his guilt he looked around in admiration. “Wow. Your place is a lot nicer than mine.” He walked over to the couch and sat down as the puppy scrambled away in panic, straight to Liam who picked him up. He watched as Will ran his hand over the smooth leather. “Of course most places are nicer than mine but this… this is great.”

Liam smiled. “You like it? Not too dark and dreary? Some people seem to think so.”

“You know me. All dark and dreary myself.” Will grinned sarcastically and jumped to his feet, suddenly filled with energy. “So, gonna give me the grand tour?”

“Sure.”

The kitchen was sparkling clean although obviously much used. There were herbs growing in the windowsill, a Jamie Oliver book lay open on the counter showing off Jamie’s Amazing Chicken and perfectly placed around the kitchen were every kind of appliances a cook might need. Will thought of his microwave, yellowed by stains, and the tiny heating plate he hardly ever used. Liam scooped some dog food into a bowl and refreshed the dog’s water. The mongrel started gobbling down food like he had been starving for days even though Will knew the girl next door had been pampering him all weekend.

“You going to cook me something sometime?”

“I might. No chips though.”

“I can live with that.”

The bathroom had a tub and a big shower. Everything seemed clean enough to eat off and he hadn’t even been expecting visitors. Will rolled his eyes and checked the sink for stubbles. Nothing. “You have some kind of compulsive cleaning disorder?”

“No. Why?”

“Oh, nothing.” He smiled. Freak.

There was an extra room that seemed cluttered compared to the others but only because there were a few books on the small desk and a collection of photos strewn over the bed. “Tsk tsk. You should really tidy up in here.”

Liam blinked. “Are you making fun of me?”

“Me? Never.”

The next room was dark, windows covered by heavy curtains, and when Liam clicked on the lights they softly illuminated a big bed with a burgundy coloured Indian bedspread. There was a big closet and an old comfy chair but that was it. When Will stepped into the room the Persian carpet felt smooth under his feet. The room smelled so intensely of Liam that for one moment he felt as if he was wrapped up in him.

Arms sneaked around his waist. “Like it?”

“Yeah.”

He leaned his head back against Liam’s shoulder, sighing softly as he started kissing his neck. When the hot lips reached his ear he shivered slightly, then moaned as his earlobe was licked and nibbled.

“Don’t know how many nights I’ve laid in that bed, thinking of you.” The tongue slipped into his ear and he gasped. “Hearing your voice, feeling your heart beat under my fingertips, smelling your skin.” Fingers started unbuttoning his shirt. “Never thought I’d actually have the real you here, in my arms.”

“Never expected to see you again.” Will whispered as warm hands slipped underneath his shirt, stroking his skin. “Scared I would, more scared I wouldn’t.”

“I’m so sorry.” Liam turned him around and sank to his knees, soft kisses raining over his belly. “Know you don’t want to hear it but I am. So selfish, so stupid.” He looked up, pain in his eyes. “Never knew it could be like this, you know.”

“Liam…”

“No, I mean it. God, Will…” Liam leaned his forehead against Will’s stomach. “I promise, I’ll make it up to you. Not only what I did but… everything.”

Sighing, Will reached out and stroked the soft hair, tickling his belly. “Liam, you can’t erase that. No one can.”

The lowered head rubbed against him. “I know. I know. Can I try though? If only to make you forget for a short moment.”

Will closed his eyes. “Yeah. I would like that.”

He kept his eyes closed as his jeans were unbuttoned and slowly pulled down, kept them closed as his socks were removed and each foot kissed before put back down, and squeezed them tight as hot air was blown through the thin cotton of his boxers, warming up the erection straining to get out. A few tugs and he was absolutely naked. When he felt Liam stand up he finally opened his eyes, swaying dizzily. He stood dazed as Liam slid the shirt of his shoulders and moved away to undress himself.

He should be feeling nervous, scared, but as Liam stripped out of each item he could only watch him, struck by his beauty. Liam turned away as he removed his boxers then slowly faced him. His erection was swaying, thick and long, a drop of precum trickling down the slit. He took a step forward, then stopped and for a long time they stood like that, facing each other, the soft light casting shadows on their naked bodies.

“God, I want you. You’re so beautiful, Will.”

Liam took another step forward and Will mimicked him in trance. They were now only inches apart and Will slowly reached out and traced a finger down Liam’s hip. Liam looked at him, then took his hand and placed it on his cock, gasping softly at the touch.

“Feel how hard you make me? Want you so much, Will. Do you want me?” He closed his fingers around Will’s hand on his cock. “Do you want this?”

Will stared down at their hands, his fingers curled around the big cock. Did he? It was heavy in his hand, hard as a rock. Thick as his wrist, long enough to frighten. Could he really? He closed his eyes, his thoughts going back to that night in the club then straying to their second time. He could still feel the pain, hear his screams, remember the fear, the panic, as he realised what was happening. His grip tightened.

“It’s ok, Will. We don’t need to.”

But he could also remember stars exploding before his eyes, pleasure so great he thought he would die, and for a short moment feeling like he was finally complete, had finally found what he had unconsciously been craving all his life. Taking a deep breath he opened his eyes.

“Yes. I want you. Please.”

Liam searched his eyes quietly. Finding what he was looking for he released Will then took his face in his hands and slowly bowed his head. The kiss was gentle, his lips warm and soft and Will opened up, allowing his tongue inside. It swept his own, then tangled around it, warm and persisting. He still tasted of coffee and pastry, a mix of bitter and sweet. Their noses touched, rubbing together. Liam’s hands moved to his neck, then stroke down his back until one arm wrapped around him, the other hand cupping his arse. Drawing him closer and closer until they were glued together, cock to cock, mouth to mouth. Touching, feeling, needing.

Will didn’t even realise he was falling until he lay on the bed, Liam heavy on top of him, grinding their cocks together. He felt dizzy. Liam’s face was hovering above his, slightly blurred. He blinked and his vision became slowly clearer. Liam was watching him, a deep furrow between his eyebrows, his lower lip caught between white teeth. He looked… scared.

“Liam…?”

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

That woke him. “What?”

“I… I don’t want to hurt you. I…” He rolled off and lay on his back, breath hitching. “I don’t know how not to.”

“Liam…”

“I’m scared I’ll loose control again. I’d rather kill myself than…”

“Liam, I trust you.”

Liam opened his eyes. “Maybe you shouldn’t.”

Will cupped his face, turning it towards him. “The safeword is 'fear'.”

They stared at each other for a long time and then Liam nodded.

They kissed, deep and slowly, then hands started roaming and soon they were caught up in their passions once again, touching, tasting, thrusting against each other. Will’s worries drifted away and he forgot everything except Liam’s kisses on his lips, Liam’s tongue licking his body, Liam’s fingers making his skin burn.

Liam’s cock thrusting against him, giving him promises of what was to come.

He was so lost in all the emotions and sensations running through him that he hardly even noticed when Liam moved down, licking his way down his body until he reached his destination. His mouth felt burning hot around Will’s cock, his tongue like silk as it tasted and caressed him. When his thighs were parted, knees pushed up, he didn’t hesitate, just lifted his arse to give Liam better access and he started working his tongue inside.

“Oh god! Yes!”

Fuck, it felt so good! Silky and wet and… so fucking good! He was gripping the bedspread tight in his sweaty fists, toes curling, head thrown back in a futile attempt to bite down the wail quivering in his throat. He started to thrust back, trying to force Liam‘s tongue deeper inside but it wasn’t enough and shaking with need he could hear himself begging, “Please, Liam! Please! I need… I need…Nnngh!”

When the finger pushed inside him it was like something clicked in his brain and he cried out, fucking himself frantically against the hand. It had been so long, so long, too bloody long. God, he had needed this, longed for this, dreamed about it but been too damn scared of his own past to realise it. “More! God, Liam… Please! It’s not enough! It’s not… Aaaaaah!”

He was stretched beyond imagination, it hurt, it burned, but it didn’t matter because he was flying high, free from his fears, from his shame. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this way; so… complete. “Yes! Yes! Liam! Need… need you. You! Please!”

The fingers thrust in a couple of more times but then they withdrew and he held his breath as Liam shifted and pushed his knees up to his chest. And then finally there it was, pushing slowly but steadily against his entrance, blunt and sharp, hard and smooth, bigbigbig!!

He screamed as Liam entered him. Screamed out in pain and a pleasure so exquisite he thought he’d pass out. He felt Liam freeze and start to withdraw but he grabbed him, digging his fingers into his biceps, pulling him closer. “Don’t stop! Don’t stop! Don’t you dare stop!”

“I’m hurting you.”

“Yes. And it’s so good. So good. Please!”

Liam hesitated only for a second then thrust in the remaining inches, his moan deafened by Will’s cries. He paused again, waiting for them both to adjust and then slowly he drew out and with a quick thrust pushed in again.

Will didn’t remember much afterwards except cries of ‘Harder!’ and ‘More!’ and ‘Fuck me, Liam. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me!!’ as his whole body was filled with Liam. Liam’s cock, Liam’s tongue, Liam’s words and scent and heat. His fingers kept digging into Liam’s flesh, like letting go would make him stop, would make it all disappear. His legs were wrapped around Liam’s waist, trying to pull him deeper inside. Wanting to go on forever and ever and at the same time feeling like he would die if he couldn’t come soon.

Liam’s thrusting became harder and faster, sweat running down his face and chest, arms shaking from holding up his weight. Will stared up at him, needing for him to say it and Liam stared back until his eyes widened in understanding and he crushed their lips hard together in a quick kiss before commanding:

“Come, Will. Come for me. Now.”

It was like an explosion that started in his balls, shockwaves riding through his body, making him arch off the bed, shaking and shuddering for what seemed like a lifetime until there was nothing left except the feeling of a deeper satisfaction than he had ever known. He heard Liam cry out, felt him stiffen and shudder violently and then he collapsed on top of him, gulping down air like a parched man drinking water.

They lay there, gasping and shivering, trembles of aftershocks running through them. When Liam finally rolled off Will winced slightly as his bruised passage was evacuated. Liam looked at him in alarm but he only smiled and wrapped his arms around Liam’s waist, resting his head on his broad chest, listening to his heart beat gradually slowing down.

“You… you ok?”

“Yeah. Perfect.”

He felt Liam relax under him and then he was pulled closer by shaking arms. He lifted his head and they kissed, lazily, lovingly. Then he settled down again, loving the way his body ached all over, sighing in content as Liam pulled the rumbled bedspread over them.

He closed his eyes and waited until Liam’s breathing slowed down and the arm around him slackened before taking a deep breath and whispering: “I think I’m in love with you too.”

He thought he heard Liam’s heart quicken but before he had time to wonder about it he was fast asleep.

A few moments later Liam carefully stretched his hand out and turned of the light, enveloping them in complete darkness.

~Fin