Dreams


Chapter 1 - Prologue

"Dreams"

Dreams(Written by Stevie Nicks)

Now there you go again, You say you want your freedom.
Well, who am I to keep you down.
It's only right that you should play the way you feel it.
But listen carefully to the sound of your loneliness.
Like a heartbeat drives you mad,
In the stillness of remembering what you had,
And what you lost. And what you had. And what you lost.

Thunder only happens when it's raining.
Players only love you when they're playing.
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat... drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost. And what you had. And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know.

New Orleans, Louisiana
Sunday, 11:15 am
September 24, 2000

Spike was on his feet even as Jean's scream cut off. He was beside his son instantly. "It's all right. It was just a nightmare," he said as he dropped down onto the old mattress beside Jean. Jean was panting, gasping for breath that he no longer needed. Had his heart still beat, he knew it would have been pounding hard enough to shake his ribs. As it was, he trembled from the force of the dream.

Baby joined them, kneeling on Jean's other side and wrapping her arms about him. "Was it the same dream again, Jean?"

He nodded and let her simply hug him, her warmth seeping into his flesh. He desperately needed that warmth right now. He felt chilled through and through, though the day was hot and their few fans did little to cool the room, simply stirring the humid air about the old warehouse. Sweat glistened on Baby's upper lip and darkened a spot on her cotton gown, making it cling to her breasts.

Spike laid a hand on Jean's shoulder, sympathy on his face. "It's a hard thing, dying. I'm not surprised you keep dreaming it."

Jean Claude shook his head. How could he tell them the rest of it? They'd been so kind to him over the last month. They truly tried to treat him as though he was a member of their family. How could he tell them he dreamed of the emptiness of his new life? How could he reveal that it was loneliness, fear, and homesickness that plagued his attempts at rest?

Spike sensed his son's unease and decided it was time to delve a bit deeper into why a day seldom passed without Jean waking screaming. "Son, there's more to this than dying, isn't there?"

Jean looked into the clear blue eyes of the man who claimed to be his father now. He was the only one who might have the answers. "I… Who am I? I don't know anymore. I feel… lost. Alone."

Baby turned distressed eyes on her husband. She didn't know what to say. She simply held Jean tighter.

Spike shifted from kneeling to sitting. He placed a comforting hand on Jean's thigh. "I don't know how to answer you except to say that you're my son. Jean, I know you've had a hard time with all this. And it is hard. You've had to give up everything and what we are… well, it's a bit of a shock to the system. But you're not alone. You never have to be alone."

Baby nodded. "I'm very fond of you, Jean." She didn't know what else to tell him. She'd walked away from everything and into this odd life but it had been her choice. Jean had had his life ripped from him, his very existence terminated and a new one thrust upon him. She wasn't sure she could have dealt with such an event with even half the fortitude he'd shown. "You're a good man and I'm glad you're here with us."

Jean Claude lifted his head and looked at her. "Are you? Truly?"

Spike considered him carefully. There was more to that question than what lay upon the surface. "Why do you ask that, son?"

Jean wished he hadn't said anything. But he couldn't very well take it back now. And after his many kindnesses, Spike deserved the truth. "I… I sometimes feel like I'm an intruder here. I know you've said I'm your family but somehow, I can't feel it." He didn't want to be the cause of any distress for his sire and rushed through his explanation. "I feel like the two of you would be happier if I wasn't here. That I'm… a distraction."

Baby's heart contracted with sorrow for him. She knew how very wrapped up in Spike she could become. There were days when he consumed her every thought. Still, she had never intended to shut Jean out. "I'm so sorry! I never meant for you feel like that! I am happy you're here, Jean. It's been so good to have someone that we could just talk to." How could she explain how wonderful it was to simply have his companionship? For over two years, she'd had little contact with anyone other than Spike. Jean had brought a new facet to the simple jewel her life had become. "Spike and I, well, we get lonely, too. I'm glad you're here."

Jean looked at her gratefully but Spike could tell that the other man didn't really believe her. He had to find some way to convince Jean Claude of their sincerity. He leaned over and kissed Jean gently on the lips. After a few moments, he drew back, noting with pleasure that the surprise on Jean's face was untinged by revulsion. "I'm glad I turned you, Jean. I don't regret it. I'm glad you're my childe." He leaned back in and pressed his lips to Jean's again.

Jean's mind whirled. It felt as though all his senses were exploding. There was something about being in physical contact with his sire that eased the pain, that brought peace flooding through him. It also brought desire. He gasped and pulled away from Spike, realizing that he actually deepened the kiss without being aware of it.

Spike's laugh was soft and without ridicule. "It's all right, Jean. This is part of what we are, too. It's as much what we are as the blood we drink."

"I've never…" he stammered. He couldn't believe he'd just kissed Spike that way. And enjoyed it.

"Of course you haven't." Spike was not surprised that Jean had never had a homosexual encounter. He'd no doubt that his son had been quite straight in life. He was rather pleased that he was the first man to kiss Jean. "Neither had I. Not until I became a vampire," Spike said gently. Baby shivered at that particular memory. Angelus was not always a loving sire.

Perhaps this was part of the answer. Maybe this was a missing piece to helping Spike integrate them all into a family unit. Maybe he could ease Jean's worries and bring his son some sort of contentment in his new life. He was troubled that Jean felt so alone and separate from him. Spike had not considered that his childe might need physical assurance that he was wanted. Jean was so strong it was easy to forget that he was still a fledgling, an infant in need of the things all infants needed: food, shelter, and affection. Jean deserved whatever affection Spike could give him. Jean had added immeasurably to their lives. Sometimes Spike felt as though Jean had always been beside him. Spike knew that already, he would feel incomplete if something happened to Jean. Now he needed to give Jean the surety of those emotions. Jean needed to know how much he meant to Spike and how much Spike needed his son.

"It's normal for vampires to bond with their bodies as well as their blood," he explained. "I… well, I didn't want to force anything on you, Jean. I never want to dominate you that way." He took Jean's hand and placed it on his own chest. "I do care, Jean. My heart doesn't beat anymore but it still feels and it still loves. So does yours. And that's why you're so sad." He didn't care if the Church or the Watchers considered them somehow less than mortals. Spike knew the emotions that ran through him were every bit as deep and strong as those that had run through him when his heart still beat and his lungs still pumped. "You are loved, Jean. You're wanted. Your mother and I want you here with us." He looked at Baby for a moment, wondering if she would protest against what he was about to do. "I want you with us." Her eyes were huge and filled with some trepidation but she didn't say anything. He knew that she understood what he was suggesting. "If that's what you want."

Jean's eyes were even bigger than Baby's. He swallowed. "You're saying the three of us would…"

"Would become a real family in vampire terms. I'm not talking about you becoming my lover, Jean. This is something different." How could he explain this to them? How could he make them understand the importance of what he was proposing? "I want both of you to understand that this is something beyond sex. That's the least of it. We'll bond. You'll know how we all truly feel. There's no hiding in this sort of bonding, no duplicity. You'll both know how much I really do love you." And each time it happened that bond would only grow stronger. Each time he brought them together the connection to each other would last a bit longer. If they shared this often enough, it wouldn't matter if they were in physical contact or not, they would be aware of each other wherever they were. "The only thing that matters now, is do you want to take that step?"

"I don't know." Jean reached up to touch Spike's face but withdrew his hand before he actually touched his father. He was afraid that touching Spike would sear his fingers. "I think maybe I do."

Spike nodded. "Pet?" He wasn't sure what effect a human would have on the exchange but he refused to contemplate doing this without her. She was his consort and she would be a part of his family or he would never make another childe. He would not shut her out.

"I don't know either." She looked at the two men who now made up her world. "I know exactly what you're talking about Spike. I do have all your memories, remember." Jean looked at her in surprise. He hadn't known that. It explained a great many things. He'd often wondered at the depth of understanding between them. If she truly possessed Spike's memories then his sire's entire life was in her keeping. "I'd like to have that with you and Jean. But I'm a little afraid."

Jean reached for her hand. "Me, too." It felt good to admit that.

She smiled at him. "I've just never done anything like this." She turned rather pink. "I have the silliest urge to ask if you'll respect me in the morning."

Jean lost it. He started laughing so hard he was soon gasping and wiping tears from his eyes. "I have that same urge."

Jean didn't know how to admit that he'd only ever been with one person in his whole life. He had been very young when he and Marie had succumbed to temptation and he'd married her as soon as they'd discovered she was pregnant. Though that child had not survived, he'd never thought of divorcing her. And he'd been true to his marriage vows. Regardless of what he sometimes felt and how bad things sometimes were between he and Marie, he'd never cheated on her. He'd always feared that one day he would. He'd feared that one day he would fall in love and he knew that if that happened, he'd be lost. There were times when he longed so much to hold someone he loved. And he knew that if he ever truly loved someone, he would love them with all his being: mind, heart, and body. The ring he still wore on his hand would not keep him from them though he'd wear it until Marie was in the ground. He was rather glad he'd died before he could commit that cardinal sin. At least his soul was free of that stain. He wondered fleetingly if it was possible for demons to love. He hoped so. He wasn't sure he could face eternity if it was going to be as loveless as the last decade-and-a-half of his life had been. He caught a glimpse of his father's face as he looked at Baby and that question was answered. He suddenly had no doubts that demons could and did love.

Spike turned from his wife to his son and it was his turn to smile. "Well, I'll still respect you. I love you both." He was so serious that Jean couldn't help but believe him. Jean also couldn't help but kiss Spike. He came as close to blushing as a vampire could as he drew back. He had no idea where that boldness came from. Spike's smile only increased the faint touch of pink that managed to tint Jean's pale cheeks. That smile was too intense. Jean dropped his eyes, unable to meet his sire's cerulean blue gaze. Spike laid a hand on Jean's cheek, gently lifting his face. "You're my son. You and Baby are my family. And I do love you." He took Baby's hand in his and placed it where his had been, gently cradling Jean's face. Spike's hand now covered Baby's. He could hear her heart beginning to pound. "Jean, you're wanted." He grinned. "In more ways than one."

Jean couldn't help smiling. Six months earlier and he'd have decked any man that said that to him. Now it sent a jolt of electricity flowing through him. His mind might not be sure about what was happening but his body was. His body wanted to be close to Spike. It wanted to feel his sire's touch. His mind might be pondering philosophical questions and wondering about the future but his body had already determined the answers and was ready for the now. Spike felt that need and leaned in to place his lips once more on Jean's. This time Jean didn't withdraw when he felt that rush of desire. This time he let it flow through him and ignite something dormant and long asleep deep inside him.

When he broke from the kiss, Jean was gasping. He suddenly knew that this was what had been missing. This was what he needed. He grabbed Spike and kissed him with an intensity he hadn't known was possible. He'd never wanted anyone this much. He'd never felt desire like this. It burned through him, rushing like molten metal through his veins and setting his mind and heart aflame. Spike gently pulled away. "Calm, Jean. Be calm. You'll get everything you want," he said softly, welcoming the fire in those sable eyes. Jean was going to be magnificent in every way; Spike had no doubts about that. But there needed to be some small degree of caution until they were all past this first needed but frightening encounter. "We need to take this first time easy. I don't want to hurt you." He caressed Jean's face with strong, loving fingers. "Now, just be calm. Lie back." He eased Jean onto the mattress. "Shh. It's all right. Everything's going to be fine now," he said soothingly. "I'll take care of everything."

He looked at his wife, willing her to understand what he needed from her. She did. She leaned over and kissed Jean for the first time. In the three years she'd been with Spike she had never thought of kissing another man, yet now she found that she not only wanted to kiss Jean Claude but somehow she needed to. She didn't protest when Jean wrapped his arms around her and pulled her tightly too him.

"Yes, Jean. That's right," Spike whispered. "Love her."

Deep in Jean's heart he remembered the words his sire had said on the night he'd awakened. That love that Spike had commanded from him gushed forth and he did love her. Just as his father had ordered weeks ago, Jean loved Baby. And wanted her. He wanted her badly. He pulled away from her lips. "I need... I need..." He couldn't find the words for what was rushing through him. He was finally holding someone he loved, someone he wanted with more than a just physical need. That same feeling engulfed him when he looked at Spike. There were two people here that he wanted to hold, two people that he loved. It was more than he could verbalize.

"Shhh," Spike breathed in Jean's ear. "I'm here. I know what you need. I know what you both need." He ran his hand over Jean's chest and urged Baby to sit up. "Let me lead you to it. Be calm, my son. I'm here." He moved behind Baby and, reaching around her, began to unbutton her nightgown. He ran his hand over her collarbone as Jean watched with smoldering eyes. Baby closed her eyes, suddenly afraid. Spike rubbed his cheek against her ear. "It's all right, pet. There's nothing here but love. Nothing to be ashamed of. Not ever. Jean and I will be with you forever. This isn't some passing fancy. This is our life. From now on, there'll be the three of us." Now that the neck opening was loosened, Spike eased the worn cotton up and over her head, leaving her revealed to his son. Spike settled his lips on her shoulder while he reached out and drew Jean up until he was kneeling before Baby. Spike took Jean's wrist and guided Jean's hand to the spot he'd just kissed. He laid his hand over Jean's. "She has the softest skin. I like the way she feels."

Jean nodded, speechless and mesmerized by the play of even the dim light on her milky skin. He allowed Spike to lead his hand over her shoulder, cupping its roundness, feeling muscle and bone beneath that soft skin. He wanted to kiss that spot where his sire had rested his lips. He wanted to taste Spike on her skin. He knew that nothing could taste sweeter. He rose up on his knees and placed his hands on the curve of her shoulders, holding her still. His whole body trembling with need, he bent his head until he could lick that spot. It was there, as he knew it would be, the faint essence of his sire. It sent that current of electricity running through him again and he moaned softly.

He felt his sire's fingers combing through his hair, rubbing his neck, silently urging him to release the need inside him. He lifted his head and met eyes as electric as the desire that ran through him. Spike leaned in and welded his lips to Jean's. Trapped between them, Baby was now pressed tightly to Jean. She could feel the silky-rough hairs of his chest against her bare breasts. Each breath she took caused his body to slide slightly against hers. She laid her head back against Spike's shoulder and bit her lip.

Jean felt her desire, fed to him through his link with his sire. She wanted him. He had never felt someone else's desire before, never felt their emotions like this. She wanted him and there was no duplicity in that desire. It was pure and unencumbered by any ulterior motives. He was simply needed. He slid his hand down until it covered her breast and she breathed her pleasure in his touch.

Spike nodded. "Yes, Jean. This is real. This is how it can be for us," he whispered. "You don't have to be alone. Not ever again." He kissed Baby's shoulder again, his hand resting lightly on the side of Jean's head. "Is this what you want? I can give you this. Do you want to be with her? Do you want to be with me?"

Jean nodded, too overcome to speak.

"And you, dove? Is this what you want? I'll not force anything on you."

She opened her eyes. "I want this," she whispered. "I do." She looked at Jean and saw him, really saw him for the first time. As he could feel her through Spike, so she could feel him. His desire, his love, they all flooded her mind. And overriding them all was goodness. There was a core of goodness to Jean Claude DuValliere that was as sweet and as soothing as fresh water in the desert. Jean was a demon, of that she had no doubt, but he was also a good man who cared for her. And now he wanted her as intensely as she wanted him. She thought she might drown in the sheer beauty of it. Any doubts she had about the rightness of this joining were swept away. Spike was right. There was nothing here to be ashamed of. There was nothing evil or wrong in being with these two men. This was right. It was more right than anything she'd ever felt before.

So when Spike urged her to touch Jean, when he urged Jean to touch her, she didn't protest it; she welcomed it. Jean was every bit as gentle as she could have wished. He touched her as though she were fine porcelain, too precious to handle with rough fingers. His lips were soft against her skin, his body cool against her. He reminded her of Spike. As she lay back, encradled in Spike's strong arms, she sighed and murmured her love for Jean. It was Spike's hand that tenderly opened her to Jean. And it was Spike who whispered love and devotion in her ear as Jean entered her. And it was Spike who kissed her as she called both Spike's and Jean's name as she climaxed, lost to desire and love for these two men.

Jean had thought nothing could exceed the joy he felt as he finally lay back on the old mattress, panting and filled with the echoes of Baby's coming. He didn't open his eyes when he felt her placed beside him; he simply gathered her to him, luxuriating in her warmth. He was unprepared for the surge of pure desire that suddenly erupted from his link with his sire. He was unprepared for the exhilaration and sheer pleasure that rocketed through his whole body at the feel of Spike's mouth around him. He cried out and arched his back, holding Baby closely, his anchor in a sea of sensation and desire. He had thought his needs were met, he'd thought his desire quenched, but they now burned brighter than ever. His bond with his sire vibrated with Spike's need to join with him. It resonated with the love and want his sire was feeling. Jean felt faint with the intensity of it. No one had ever wanted him this much. No one could ever want him this much. This was glory and splendor. This was radiance and bliss. This was where he belonged.

As Spike's hands roved over his body, touching him in ways that no one had ever touched him before, Jean could only focus on the love and the acceptance. Spike led him unfalteringly into a new world where Jean was loved and needed and where he could love however he chose. Gender suddenly didn't matter. Jean didn't care that Spike was a man. Spike loved him and he loved Spike. And he wanted and needed Spike. Spike was his sire. Spike's blood flowed in Jean's veins and that blood was calling to him now. Like unto like, it called. And when Spike led him into a painless joining of their bodies, Jean felt complete in a way he had never imagined possible. Whatever the future held for him, however long he lived, he would not doubt that he was worthy of love. As long as Spike walked, as long as Baby moved, Jean would never be alone. He could stand against the darkness because they were standing beside him. He need not fear that he would fall because they would catch him. As Spike pushed Jean's body beyond the bounds of pleasure, as the sky itself exploded around him, Jean thanked whatever Power dwelt in the firmament above him for sending this demon to him in the hour of his death. Jean understood now that only by dying had he truly found life. Only by becoming Spike's son had he achieved his true potential. In Spike's arms, Jean Claude became the man he was meant to be.



To Be Continued...

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